Tag: child

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A parent writes that she’s overwhelmed by her two girls constantly demanding her attention, following her around their home and calling “Mommy! Mommy!” even if they are in the same room. “It’s driving me mad,” she writes. “It’s like a dripping tap. It is getting to the point where I just want to scream.” This mom notices that the girls don’t have this dynamic with their father. In fact, even if he is sitting beside them and she is in another room, they still call to her. Understandably, she feels drained and wonders if Janet can tell her what she’s doing wrong.

Transcript of “Calming Our Reactivity to Children’s Irritating, Demanding Behaviors”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today, I have a question that I received on Facebook. This mother is having difficulty because her daughters keep constantly calling, “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,” and it’s driving this parent up the wall. And I want to flush this topic out a little to talk about our reactivity as parents and how we can ease that.

So behaviors like this one, children repeatedly calling our name and also whining and other repetitive behaviors that children sometimes will do… How can we respond in a way that doesn’t actually amplify the behaviors and cause them to persist? That’s what I would like to explore a little in this podcast.

Okay. So here’s the question I received on Facebook:

My four and a half and 2.9 year old girls constantly call, “Mommy.” If I leave the room, they call after me to ask where I am, even following me. If they ask a question, the word “Mommy” could be said three or four times before the question. They call me from where they are instead of coming to me. It’s constant all day. The only time they won’t, is if I give them an iPad to look at something or the TV.

It’s driving me mad, it’s like a dripping tap. It is getting to the point where I just want to scream. It’s overwhelming me and I’m getting angry. I don’t know what to do. When their dad is home, they still call me even if he is beside them and I’m in another room. At the end of the day, I’m so drained. What am I doing wrong or not doing right?

So first of all, I want to respond to the very last thing she says here, “What am I doing wrong or not doing right?” I would love to encourage this parent or any parent that this isn’t about wrong or right, it’s about a pattern that we may be a little stuck in or a child is stuck in that isn’t serving us, that’s making our lives harder. But it’s not the self judgment thing of what am I doing wrong? What am I doing right?

One of the most important qualities that we can have as parents is self-compassion, especially in a time like we’re in right now with so many stressful situations going on in our world. And also if we want to make changes in some of the dynamics between us and our children. A lot of times this means changing generational cycles. It is huge work. And we need to love ourselves and have patience with ourselves. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent or anything close to a perfect parent, I truly believe that. And attachment experts will tell you that even the most attuned parent will mis-respond to a child something like 50% of the time.

So let’s get realistic here and give ourselves a break, because when we are judging ourselves like this parent may be doing, it’s actually directly involved in the problem she’s having here. It’s part of why she’s getting angry and wants to scream and this is driving her mad. She’s feeling like she’s doing something wrong. She’s judging herself that she’s not a good parent for the way that she’s feeling.

Whining is a very unpleasant sound. Studies show that children of every nationality and every language whine. It’s a global behavior. And it’s typical for children the ages of this parent’s to get stuck repeating and repeating and whining and demanding in that way. So these are unpleasant behaviors that children have.

A second ago, I talked about attunement. So what’s going on with this parent is she is used to being an attuned parent. She may be a sensitive person and she’s kind of over-attuned to this behavior that her children started and now has become kind of a thing between them. When we’re a little over-attuned, it means that we’re taking everything in. We’re feeling responsible to respond to it. We’re feeling it impacting us. It’s cutting into us. Every time they call Mommy, I need to react. I’ve got to do something. And there’s no way that’s not going to get us exhausted and frustrated — get us angry — because what children are doing right there, it’s almost like they’re moving with us as one being. They’re reacting off of us, reacting off of them, reacting off of us. They’re feeling this irritation and it’s feeding their irritation. So it can become a cycle.

One thing that helps us a lot as parents is to learn how to tune in and also how to have buffers. And that’s not the same as I’m ignoring you and you don’t exist for me, when you do this and I’m turning away and I’m pretending it’s not happening. It’s just a softening, as if we’ve got padding around us. And when we hear this Mommy, instead of it penetrating into our being, it gets slowed down in the padding, it softly lands there. And so we can hold our own.

We’re not feeling battered. We’re not feeling shaken and rattled by everything. We’re hearing it. It’s going into the padding and we’re going to respond, while staying centered in ourselves, not being prey to whatever our child does that seems needy, or wanting us or demanding of us.

And the interesting thing, too, is that children actually are on a slower frequency than us. So while it may seem like their call to mommy needs an immediate response, they’re actually not ready to take in an immediate response. So it’s actually more appropriate for us to slow our responses down by imagining this padding or this space between us.

It’s common for us as parents to feel urgent about everything that happens with children. They might act as if everything’s an emergency but there are very, very few actual emergencies with children. It’s something that we have to work on and practice so that we’re not reactive in a way that’s going to wear us out and affect our mood and again, draw children into the cycle.

I’ve had parents online or parents say to me that they hate this word “mommy” because they are so sick of hearing their child say it again and again and again. And that’s certainly understandable. But the reason that we are annoyed by it is the responsibility we feel around it, that we’ve got to do something to fix this and that and somebody is calling and I’ve got to jump.

We can shift this when we hold our own. There’s a time that I have loved being able to practice this idea, and it’s become very clear to me the importance of it and that I can do it, even though I’m a very sensitive, reactive person, I have this opportunity that we have as teachers of RIE parent-infant classes and parent-toddler classes. During the class, which is mostly about observation… And one of the main reasons for observation is to be able to recognize our children as separate beings. We’re able to see that our child is separate from us as a whole person. But they’re not a mature person who knows not to do irritating things and stop when they’re bothering us. They literally can’t a lot of the time.

So we do observation of the children, which is fascinating because they’re always doing interesting things on their own with the materials that are there and with each other, engaging in conflicts, engaging in exploration, learning how to play together, being creative with materials. It’s a blast. And we recommend this at home and it’s what all my podcasts around play are about: how to enjoy your child in this manner.

Then when children are maybe 10 or 11 or 12-months-old in the RIE classes, we have snack time. And snack time — the tradition that Magda Gerber started is that the children sit at a child-sized low table. We sit on the floor or on a pillow on the floor. There can be up to eight children sitting around this table that’s kidney shaped. We serve bananas and we hand the pieces to the children.

I have videos on my YouTube channel and on my website where we demonstrate this. And there are all these bodies there and just one adult, and they’re sitting because they want to. And they know that that’s the routine and the ritual that we wipe their hands first with a wet towel, we do each one individually, paying a moment of attention to each child.

Then we invite them to help peel the banana, for certain children who seem interested. And of course that takes a while for them to get the hang of, but they actually quickly do. And then they’re peeling the banana and then we’re giving them each a piece. And there’s a moment of attention given to each child. We aren’t just handing things off without engaging with that child.

Then we give them glasses with water in them. So all kinds of things are going on.

Maybe a child pushes another child or somebody wants more and more and more over here and I’m at the other side of the table or somebody knocks their glass over, but actually it’s surprising how calm and focused these experiences are considering these are 11-month-olds up to three-year-olds. And even the most active child is able to sit for the time that they’re eating, be there, focused.

So most of the time it’s surprisingly smooth, but there are times when it’s not, there’s a lot going on. And what we have to do as the facilitator in this class is hold our own, prioritize, this person needs me here.  But we hold our own pace, we hold our center and we don’t get frazzled. It’s an interesting feeling.

What I feel like is there’s something that I’m unplugging inside me — some nerves that I’m unplugging so that I’m not going to get impacted by everything that goes on. I’m not ignoring anything, I’m going to respond, but it may not be right away or my response might be, “Oh, I see you wanting this and I’ll be with you in one minute. Right now I’m over here.”

But I’m not going to let the children escalate me. I’m not going to be reactive to their pace and their demands, their energy. I have to center in myself.

So I’ve learned how to do it. I’ve gotten a lot of practice this way and it’s amazing. It’s such a confidence-building experience that you can do this. And, of course, it’s really vital if we have one child, or more than one child, especially, that we’re not feeling pulled and impacted by every thing they say or do or everything that goes on, everything they want right now. Children want everything right now. They want everything right now, but they don’t need it right now.

Another aspect of this is our realistic expectations of our children’s behavior, because that affects our feelings, which are going to guide us to react a certain way. So if I understand that my children are going to do this thing that they do, which is call me 50,000 times, check up on me and make me answer them immediately and be demanding in this way which again, without meaning to… I’ve kind of gotten into this with them as one body. And now I’m going to separate myself out, be my own separate person on my own, very different pace and I’m going to respond from that place. So finding this in yourself. Whether it feels like I’m unplugging, I’m loosening up the nerves inside, I’ve got padding around me, slowing down.

The way that will look with this parent… She says, first of all, “If I leave the room, they call after me to ask where I am.”

So I don’t have to answer that right away. I’m going into the other room. They’re asking me again. Now they’re coming closer. I’m not going to be yelling out to them, feeling like I’ve got to report to them, like I’ve got to respond right away.

Slowing myself down, I hear them say it a couple of times maybe and I say, “Oh, I’m over here actually.”

Not, “I’m here!” Not that reactive place, but my own center, taking on my leadership role that I know that my children want me to have in their heart of hearts, letting some of the demands and “Mommys” just flow by.

So they decide to follow me. I’m in this other room. They’re asking me a question where they’re saying “Mommy” a whole bunch of times before they ask the question, which is super annoying but I’m expecting it. I know this is their thing. I’m not going to dig into each Mommy that they say and try to make it stop. I’m going to let it go.

So I’m going to wait. They’re saying, “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,” and now I’m doing this other thing, not able to focus very well at first because this is a new dynamic for me to be leading, and it’s going to take a little while for me to get the practice I need to believe in this. And it’s going to take a while for my children to notice something different that will release them from being caught up with me in this pattern because they see that I’m okay, and that this behavior they have doesn’t have power with me and I’m not escalating in my frustration and it will lose interest for them.

So I’m letting those Mommys go. Here comes a question… I’m going to give it a moment to think what the answer is and then I’ll answer the question. “Oh, you’re asking me about the TV, that answer’s going to be no. Sorry, my love.”

So I have my own pace that this is stemming from, not theirs.

And then they can get mad at me all they want to and ask me the same thing a whole bunch of times and I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing and just nod and be empathetic. “It’s hard when you hear a no to that, it really is.” But it’s not my responsibility to fix them or to get caught up in them. In fact, I want to do everything I can to not get caught up.

So she says, “They call me from where they are instead of coming to me.”

Well, let them call from where they are. It’s okay. It’s safe for them to do that. If we don’t respond in a way that makes that work for them, then they’ll come over. So the most I would do is say something like, “If you need me, I’m here.” And not get sucked into trying to please them wherever they are.

So this parent is doing this wonderful attunement. But it’s over-attunement. It’s again, coming from this positive, healthy, wonderful parent place but it’s not helping this parent to the extent that she’s taking it. We have to find this other part too where we can be separate and whole in ourselves and understand that they are very young with low self regulation and a low threshold for emotional expression. They’re going to share every little thing with us. It’s not an emergency.

So she says it’s constant all day and I don’t think it will be constant all day if this parent wants to work on buffering herself, being unplugged, slowing down. She says, “The only time they won’t is if I give them an iPad to look at something or the TV.” That is an understandable help for this parent. I’ve just got to shut this down because I can’t take it anymore. But what I want to help this parent and other parents work on is that you’re not going to let yourself get to that point, because you’re perceiving your role a whole different way. You’re not going to be a victim to your children. Their repetitive Mommys and whining is not yours to fix. Don’t let it in.

She says, “It’s like a dripping tap.” Yes, I get that.

“It’s getting to the point where I just want to scream.”  Totally.

“It’s overwhelming me and I’m getting angry, I don’t know what to do. Even when their dad is home, they still call me, even if he’s beside them and I’m in another room.”  Right, because he doesn’t have this particular issue and they’re not getting stuck in something with him.

And she’s drained at the end of the day.

So I 100% believe this parent can change this, starting with a lot of self compassion, finding the imagery and the perspective to believe in herself as this whole person leader with her own center and pace. I really hope that helps.

Please check out some of the other podcasts on my website, janetlansbury.com. They’re all indexed by subject and category, so you should be able to find whatever topic you might be interested in, and both of my books are available in paperback at Amazon, Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting and No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame.  You can get them in ebook at Amazon, Apple, Google Play, or barnesandnoble.com and in audio at audible.com. As a matter of fact, you can get a free audio copy of either book at Audible by following the LINK in the liner notes of this podcast.

Thanks so much for listening. We can do this.

 

The post Calming Our Reactivity to Children’s Irritating, Demanding Behaviors appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

On this week’s episode: Jamilah is joined by Rebecca Lavoie to answer this week’s listener questions from moms contemplating changing schools because their biracial daughter is bothered about not fitting in, and a mother whose childcare provider is offering to do it for free. How can she ensure her neighbor is properly compensated for this service? For Slate Plus, Jamilah and Rebecca take advantage of Dan’s absence and respond to his article “The Decade in Dads” article with the Decade in Moms. Sign up for Slate Plus here.

Recommendations:

Jamilah recommends My Quotable Kid: A Parents’ Journal of Unforgettable Quotes.

Rebecca recommends recording your kids, stashing the audio away and surprising yourself with this self-made time capsule years later.

Join us on Facebook and email us at momanddad@slate.com to tell us what you thought of today’s show and give us ideas for what we should talk about in future episodes. Got questions that you’d like us to answer? Call and leave us a message at 424-255-7833.

Podcast produced by Rosemary Belson.

 

Hosts

Jamilah Lemieux is a writer, cultural critic, and communications strategist based in California.

Rebecca Lavoie is a host of the podcasts Crime Writers On … and … These Are Their Stories: The Law and Order Podcast. She is the co-author of four books with her husband, Kevin Flynn: Our Little Secret, Legally Dead, Notes on a Killing, and Dark Heart.

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COVID-19 has added another layer of complexity to an already difficult and life altering question: How many children to have.

Rosalia Rivera, an abuse prevention specialist and consent educator, joins Janet to outline how parents and caregivers can help prevent sexual abuse by educating the children in their lives about body safety, boundaries and consent. Rosalia is the mother of three young children and is herself a child sexual abuse survivor. She hosts the podcast “AboutConsent” and is the founder of Consent Parenting, an online platform that offers courses, workshops, a support group, and a plan of action for parents to protect their children.

Transcript of “Abuse Prevention Strategies to Keep Our Kids Safe (with Rosalia Rivera)”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today, I’m so excited, I have a very special guest with me. Her name is Rosalia Rivera. She’s a passionate consent educator. She’s an abuse prevention specialist, a sexual literacy advocate, and a survivor turned thriver. That’s how she describes herself. She’s the host of the podcast About Consent. She’s also the founder of Consent Parenting, which is an online platform where she offers courses, workshops, and membership for adult CSA survivor parents, so that they can learn how to protect their families from abuse.

So welcome, Rosalia. Thank you so much for being here.

Rosalia Rivera: Thank you so much for inviting me. I love all of your work, so I’m super excited to be here.

Janet Lansbury: Thank you.

Well, I think it will help the parents listening if we can focus in to start out with at least on this very scary issue of child sexual abuse. As you know, and I only know a little bit about this, the statistics are daunting.

Rosalia Rivera: Very, and it’s the scary thing too is these are just the numbers that are reported. So the numbers are likely higher than what is being put out there. And parents are surprisingly still unaware of how prevalent and what the potential is for their families. And it’s been increased by the access through online predators. So it’s now a twofold situation.

Janet Lansbury: So what are some of the basics that we can do as parents to arm our children, or to help them to develop that healthy sense of their boundaries, and asserting them, making it less likely that they’re going to be victims?

Rosalia Rivera: So I always recommend to parents to start as early as possible. You can teach about consent from birth. A lot of it is more about the way that we speak to our children and our intention, and how we communicate to let them know that we are willing to communicate about our physical exchanges — everything from changing a diaper to bathing them. Usually it’s around the time when parents are starting to potty train that this starts to come up because they’re realizing that other people may start to need to help them with this process. And the concept of “private parts” starts to come into play. So usually, that’s when parents will start to think about it.

But you can start from as early as possible by teaching children some of the basics of body safety, which is teaching them the correct anatomical names for their private parts — that’s part of body safety. Also in the fact that you’re teaching body positivity.

I was raised with not using the correct terms because there was a lot of shame in the household around bodies and sexuality. And my mom’s also a survivor, and she just didn’t know how to approach it.

So if we can start with some of those basics of body safety — of teaching the right names and then talking about safe and unsafe touch.

There’s three, really, that you can start with, which is the private parts, correct anatomical names, teaching about safe and unsafe touch, and privacy, right?  Around those parts.

And then the third piece is about secrets, and explaining the difference between secrets and surprises, that sort of distinction, right? To help a child understand. Because there are a lot of well-meaning adults who… a lot of times it could be grandparents who want to gift a child something, and they think it’s just an innocent thing to tell the child: “Don’t tell your parents, because they’re probably not going to approve of me giving you candy.” Or whatever it is, right? And again, a well-meaning person. But it sets up the wrong precedent for being able to keep secrets.

So if we can make the distinction for kids about secrets and surprises, and encourage the adults in our children’s lives not to ever ask our children to keep even well-meaning secrets — educating the people in our child’s lives who are caregivers about the fact that we’re going to be embarking on abuse prevention education. You’re sort of putting up a red flag to potential predators to say: “We’re going to be on top of this. We’re going to be aware.”

And then, as the child develops, to layer the different aspects that are a little bit more complex, while still making it accessible for them.

Janet Lansbury: I love that you brought up talking to the adults, because I think that’s so important when we consider the imbalance of power between young children and adults. Especially if it’s Grandmother, or Uncle, or somebody that’s part of their family. How hard is it for a child to still overrule, in a way, something that this adult is doing with them?

Rosalia Rivera: Yeah. And that’s one of the things that I teach is how to communicate with those adults. Because we tend to have this fear, like we don’t want to insult anyone or make them feel uncomfortable. Because it’s a different way of seeing and approaching children, I think, than a lot of our own parents had, right? Grandparents, or even relatives. Sometimes it’s cultural. They’re just used to being able to go in and give a hug and a kiss. And I think that that is starting to shift. There’s a lot more talk about giving kids the right to choose how they want to show affection and how they want to greet someone. But there’s still a lot of pushback from those adults. And sometimes they may try to guilt a child and make them feel bad for not giving affection. And if we don’t communicate with those adults and say that’s actually against what we’re teaching… There are diplomatic ways of saying it and having these conservations. All of it always comes down to communication.

But if we can be that frontline for our kids, particularly when they’re so young that they’re still learning this… We’re teaching through modeling. Because when we vocalize that on behalf of our kids and they hear us talking about it, they’re learning that language and they’re learning that they have the right. We’re encouraging them and backing them up. It’s being vocalized. And it gives them that reassurance that they can assert their rights to their boundaries.

When we do that, we create consent culture within our homes, within our families, and then ultimately within our communities. Because those adults will think twice about doing that to other kids. Again, it’s all well-intentioned, but ultimately it sets up the potential for abuse and for grooming.

The statistics are that 90% of abuse happens to kids by people that they know. And more specifically, it’s not just by people that they know, but people that they trust, that they love, and that they’ve developed a bond with. So when abuse happens, it can be really confusing for a child because this is someone that they learned to trust and care for who’s now eroded a boundary or crossed a line, or violated a boundary. And if we don’t reassure children that it’s okay to talk about it, to disclose it, and to do it in a way that is honoring their intuition, their physiological response to an event like that… If we don’t teach those things, we are really kind of setting them up for not reporting. For feeling guilty about this is somebody that I love and I care for, I guess it’s okay. Or I don’t know what to do.

And if that person has threatened or bribed them, that’s another layer that they have to figure out how to navigate. Because they may still love that person, but they just want the abuse to end. And they don’t know what would happen if they told someone. So us helping set them up for being able to uphold their boundaries. And then if they get crossed, that they can go to someone to get help really goes a long way between prevention and then at least reporting so it doesn’t become a repeat situation.

Janet Lansbury: Yeah. That makes sense. And also you’re reminding me of a very powerful way that can be kind of organic for us to intervene, and model, and have the boundary with the adults that we’re teaching — the adult and the child at the same time. And this could be true with a tiny newborn as well to kind of interpret for the child. So let’s say somebody wants to hold my baby. And I look at my baby and I say, “Grandma would like to hold you now. Is that okay with you?” And then I will get a sense right there of whether my child is pulling back. Maybe not with a newborn, but with a very young infant. You can tell when they’re kind of hesitant or if they’re open to it. So we can say to the adult, “It seems like she’s saying no, for now.”

So right there, you’ve taught so many lessons. You’ve taught this adult this is a person with a point of view, actually. What they think matters. And we’re teaching our child: You have a point of view that matters, and I’m going to stick up for you and make sure that you know that and other people know that.

So those opportunities where we are there I think are really, really important as teaching times.

Rosalia Rivera: Yeah.

And one of the things you had mentioned before, and I want to just kind of circle back to for a second is that we tend to think of abuse prevention education as something scary. And I think that’s why a lot of people have apprehension about where to start or how to teach it. And the way that I approach it, particularly because I’m a survivor and I know how almost debilitating the triggers can be when you start to talk about certain things that were part of your own experience, is that we want to start by empowering our children with information that makes them feel good about the rights that they do have and how we are going to honor them and help them uphold them. Versus talking about dangers that are potential things that they’re going to come across.

So with the framework that I teach, I always start from this place of empowerment. And it starts with teaching kids about their autonomy. And we can support that concept with them by the way that we interact with them, besides just how we teach them how they can interact with others.

So a lot of times when I’m going through this education process, we start with simple little things that may seem like not a big deal, but they’re really big. And when you start to put them all together, you start to notice how many times we inadvertently just manage our children instead of giving them the autonomy to learn how to manage themselves.

A simple example would be when we tell a child to go brush their teeth and we’re commanding them to do something with their body. Versus asking them if they can go brush their teeth. That may seem like a very minute shift. But when we start to apply that to all the ways that we talk to our kids, it really makes you understand how we cross boundary lines all the time or we remove their autonomy on a regular basis.

I always talk about that this is going to require you to make a big shift in your parenting. Going from telling your child what to do to asking your child, as long as it doesn’t interfere with health and safety. And we have to even think about these little caveats of if my child doesn’t eat, is that a health and safety issue, knowing that they had really nutritious lunch? And they’re saying that they’re full now, do I push that I think that they should be eating more? Or is it that I was conditioned by my own parents to finish everything on my plate?

There are a lot of shifts that happen just from this one piece. But it’s the biggest foundation for consent because you’re teaching a child about their body rights. And when we are not congruent, we’re not matching our words with our actions to say: Your body belongs to you, but I’m still going to tell you how to run your life as it relates to your body. We’re giving them mixed messages. So it has to start with this foundation, which is really empowering for kids. But it’s a little bit of a struggle for parents.

But if you start with that solid foundation of educating them about their rights and layering it from there to boundaries, and consent, and all those pieces, it really sets them up for this feeling of empowerment. And from there, the scary stuff isn’t as scary because they know that they have resources and tools, and rights that they are entitled to. And it takes a lot of that fear out of it.

At the end of the process that I teach, we talk about exit strategies. So by the time they get to that piece, that learning piece of exit strategies, they’re not fearful. They feel like: Okay, I have some ways to get out of potentially dangerous situations that are empowering.

Janet Lansbury: That makes a lot of sense. And you’re speaking to something really important, I guess it’s kind of obvious, but we tend to forget that what we do matters much more than what we say. It will always be the most powerful thing and always overrule in terms of what children are learning. We can read books to our children or talk about consent, and “this is your body” and all that. But the way that we approach our child as early as possible, and with the approach I teach we’re, from birth, laying the foundation, it’s giving our child a message about where they fit in the world, where they are in a relationship with us, if their point of view matters, if they’re in partnership with us, or if they are passive and we do things to them.

So that’s why with the RIE approach that I teach, we talk to them right away about, “I’m going to pick you up now. Are you ready?” But I think people misunderstand that you’re waiting for an infant to tell you it’s okay to pick them up or change their diaper or something. And it’s not so much that we’re waiting for them to say yes, but we’re teaching them from the beginning that they’re a part of this and that we’re open to their ideas about things and their feelings about things. And we’re not going to just be the ones that do things to them. That they’re a part of a relationship and that they’re respected.

So before this term ‘consent’ became a popular term, we just talked about respect — that you develop this relationship of respect with your child. And that means so many things, like what you were saying about brushing your teeth. We forget as parents sometimes this voice can come out of us that might be our own parents… It’s this kind of authoritarian voice maybe that’s more like, “Do this, do that.” And that’s how we think we’re supposed to be with our child instead of being really polite, and warm, and caring. “I know you don’t love to do this, but we got to do it. Can you do it yourself? Or should we do it together?” Just those pleases and kind words about doing things can make a big difference to show a child that they’re respected, and that you’re there to kind of guide them. Because they can’t make every decision themselves of course. They do need us.

Rosalia Rivera: Yeah, exactly. And also that teaches them that their voice can be heard, right? And a lot of times, if we did grow up with authoritarian parents, which I did, I just thought that my opinion about whatever it was that I didn’t want to do just didn’t count. So I had to comply. And I think a lot of parents kind of go into that default, like you said, where they think the child has to listen. And the child essentially is being taught that their voice doesn’t matter or their voice is not going to be heard. You do that often enough, and it shuts that down a lot of times for a child.

So we want them to always know that their voice does matter and that they can use it, and they should use it especially if they find themselves in unsafe situations. So practicing that and giving them that ability, it really does need to be practiced. Consent has to be embodied. That means knowing what it sounds like, feels like, looks like when somebody is saying no and that no is being respected. Getting kids used to that being the standard.

All of that is about that two way communication that you develop with your child. So instead of it being a one way where you’re telling them what to do and they don’t have a say.

Janet Lansbury: Right. But then there are times that we do have to insist physically if you don’t want to hold my hand when we’re on the sidewalk. But my child has shown me that they tend to run off sometimes during this time of life, for whatever reason. So there, you can still respect by encouraging them to share how mad they are that you’re doing that. “I know I have to do this thing that makes you really mad, but I’ve got to do it. You’re too important.” So we still need to be the adult that’s guiding them.

Rosalia Rivera: For sure. That’s what I was saying when it comes to health and safety, and those are conversations you can also have ahead of time.

When you’re making this parenting shift, I always tell parents you need to have this conversation with them to say, “I’ve been doing things this way, but this is some new education that I wasn’t raised with. So we’re going to transition to doing things this way. And that means you get more autonomy. And this is what that means. However, my job is to keep you safe and keep you healthy. So there are times when you won’t be able to say yes or no to certain things, because it’s a safety type situation.”

I say talk to your kids and get them to figure out what could be some health and safety situations where I will have to step in. So they may say, “Crossing the street.” Or, “if we are in the mall, we have to hold hands because you don’t want to get lost.” So things like that. Right? And you can set them up ahead of time. Or if you know you’re going somewhere to remind them, “Okay, so we’re going to the doctors and we’re going to be doing this vaccination.” So talking ahead to say that these are the exceptions that we have to make sure we’re keeping you safe with.

It’s just always a communication, you know?

And I always encourage parents to leave some white space to be able to implement those things without it being a dramatic event. Sometimes it’s inevitable and it will be. But the more we can communicate and let them know what’s going on instead of just assuming that they know or that we’re just going to do things the way that we intend to do them and not include them in that conversation or that process, the more we can give them room to assert, but also to understand that there’s situations that require safety. Then it makes it a lot easier to navigate that relationship.

Janet Lansbury: That’s a great point to prepare them for that and allow them to partner in that, even thinking of the ideas themselves. And then it’s like these stories that come true that children love, even if it’s something somewhat unpleasant like: You’re making me hold your hand. We talked about this, and I knew this was going to happen. There’s a real acceptance and kind of confidence building that happens there when children are a part of it.

I just want to say one more time, because so many people that I talk to, there’s this misconception that the first year or first two years for some people is this part that doesn’t matter. But if we can start this early (and this doesn’t mean if you didn’t, it’s too late — you can make changes at any time), but the beginning of life is the most impressionable time. This is when the foundation is getting built. So I just can’t encourage parents enough to start engaging with your baby as a full human being, from the beginning, that’s a part of a relationship with you, and preparing them for the things that are going to kind of happen. It’s so important.

Rosalia Rivera: Yeah.

Janet Lansbury: I’m wondering what you think about, I guess these are sort of hot button topics: tickling, rough housing. How do these activities fit with empowering our children?

Rosalia Rivera: So do you mean between adults and kids or kids and kids?

Janet Lansbury: Adults and kids.

Rosalia Rivera: Okay. The tickling thing is actually one of the more common questions that I get, because there’s this whole idea that tickling is just fun. And if you’re tickling a child and they’re laughing, then that means that that’s consent.

When they’re really young, we can still make it fun and ask them, “Do you want to play a tickling game?” With my kids for example, they love me pretending to be the tickle monster. And we’ve actually turned it into a consent game. So I will pretend to be the tickle monster chasing them around. And they’ve learned that if they don’t want to be tickled for whatever reason, it’s almost kind of part of the game that they’ll say, “No consent.” And then I have to stop right away.

So I think that we just have to shift the way that we approach it. We can still engage in these fun activities, but we want to make sure that they know they can always say stop. And we stop immediately instead of pushing that boundary, which is tempting to do when kids are really tiny and they’re so cute, and you just want to tickle them. We are teaching them that we honor that vocalized no.

And even adults who may not know our kids all that well, maybe a family member who wants to go in for a tickle, we can on behalf of our kids let them know: “this is something that we’re exploring because we’re doing consent education.” So tickling is only if that permission has been granted.

So a lot of times, it’s just communicating with all the adults in our kids’ lives and then letting our kids know, “All of these activities are fun as long as you feel that they’re fun. And you always have the right to say stop because consent can always be withdrawn.” And I think that that part about consent and learning that consent can be withdrawn is also really powerful because predators could take advantage of that. And if a child thinks, “Well, I consented to being tickled, but now it’s turned into something else.” And the adult is telling me, “Well, you said it was okay.” They can really mess with a child’s mind about that.

So teaching a child that consent can always be withdrawn in any situation, it can be taught as part of that play. Part of learning about physical interaction is through play and through exploring communication styles.

A lot of times we’re also teaching kids that communication is nonverbal as well, right? So if my nonverbal communication is that I’m suddenly closing up, or my face isn’t happy, then those are also signals that should be paid attention to.

So we want to give kids as many communication tools as possible, and then honor that, and teach other people in their lives to honor that.

I have something called “consent letters.” These consent letters, they’re a communication tool for the adults in my child’s life. So there’s a medical consent letter which explains that when they are in a doctor’s appointment, my child’s expectations are that they are asked for informed consent. So that means that the doctor needs to inform the child of what they need to do, why they need to do it, and how they need to do it, and then actually ask for the consent to do it. And then the child has to say yes or no.

So we went to this new doctor and we gave him the letter. It’s someone that my husband actually has known for all of his life. So we know that this is a good doctor, safe doctor, to my knowledge. So we gave him the letter, and he’s like, “This is really cool. I think this is really an awesome thing. And I’m actually glad that you gave it to me because I have a tendency of just wanting to tickle kids. It’s obviously a well intentioned thing, but I always kind of go in for this tickle.” And he’s like, “But you’re absolutely right. I shouldn’t just be doing that just because it’s my patient and it’s a cute little kid.”

So this really shifted the way that he’s now going to approach his patients that are little.

I mean, would you do that to an adult? We tend to think just because they’re little, we get to have these interactions. But if they were adults, we certainly would not go in and pinch someone’s cheeks, or pet them on the head, or go in for a tickle, right? So why are we okay with doing it to kids?

We can certainly always be playful and all of that, as long as we reinforce to our kids that when they say no or they verbalize a no, or have body language that says no, that we honor it, and keep confirming that so that that becomes their expectation.

Janet Lansbury: Also it helps the parent not to have to be so confrontational. It’s much better to give the doctor the advance notice that’s respectful. And it’s helpful to your child to know that it matters that much that you’re doing that when your child is old enough to know those things.

Rosalia Rivera: Right. And it helps them also when they’re older to know that they have rights over their physical health and how to interact with the practitioners in their lives, right? So anyone who has a uterus, when they get to that stage of reproductive health, that they feel empowered by those interactions as well.

Janet Lansbury: Right. And this again, begins with the infant. We’re changing their diaper, and it’s common to distract and say: Look over here and don’t pay any attention to what I’m doing. What is that teaching our child?

What you’re talking about with the doctor, it seems like there’s two issues that are getting in the way. One is that we’re not seeing the young child as a person. We’re seeing them as an object for us to do things to or whatever, which is understandable and, again, the way I used to probably think about children.

And then the other part is not really recognizing the power imbalance. You said something on your Instagram page that I love. Something to the effect of, “It’s not consent if your child is afraid to say no.” And that can happen even with Mom or Dad that are getting so excited about tickling you or roughhousing with you. Sometimes we can get, especially with the roughhousing, we can kind of lose control a little. Like we get so involved in it that we’re kind of out of ourselves.

We need to realize that our child is geared towards pleasing us. Our child is inclined to want to have fun when we’re having fun. So it’s not just that they’re afraid of us. It could be just that they so want to join with us there, that they’re not listening to their own discomfort. They’re just not able to separate it out that way and speak for themselves, especially if they’re an infant. So just keeping those two things in mind, I think is really important: the imbalance of power and that this is a thoughtful person who is very aware and impressionable.

Rosalia Rivera: Yeah. And I think one of the other aspects of that, too… I kind of mentioned this a little bit before, where you may get an adult like an aunt, for example, who goes in and wants a hug, and the child just wants to give a high five. And they may make a face of sadness because they didn’t get the hug. A lot of people don’t realize that it’s not ill intended in that way. But a lot of that can ultimately lead to a form of coercion, which trying to explain this without making people go, “What, what do you mean?” Emotional manipulation almost, but…

Janet Lansbury: Yeah. Like, “You’re going to make me sad.”

Rosalia Rivera: Exactly. I know that that’s not the intent of the aunt to manipulate the child, but a lot of times that’s just how we’ve grown up in this culture where if we’re not shown affection, then we have different ways of showing our disappointment for that. And I think with adults, they have so much power and influence over children. And children ultimately are so empathetic. They don’t want to make someone sad. Right?

And we have to remember as adults that it’s really our job to manage our own emotions and feelings about something. So if we’re disappointed with Johnny’s not giving us a hug, that’s something that we need to sort out on our own and manage ourselves. Because otherwise we’re sending this message that they owe other people affection. And we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. I guess I have to give them a hug, right?

Janet Lansbury: It’s codependency is what it is, right? I’m responsible for everyone else’s emotions.

Rosalia Rivera: Exactly. And we need to be more aware of how that is internalized by kids. I always say this to parents too. We tend to be afraid of, “I don’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings if my child doesn’t want to hug them. And then they’re going to feel really sad or disappointed.” I always say, “When you have these conversations, remind them ‘my child loves you.’ And, ‘We’re giving them these options because just like you, they may have an off day and they don’t really feel like doing a hug right now or doing a kiss.’ For whatever reason, we should never have these forced expectations. And ultimately: ‘Do you really want my child hugging you when they don’t really want to hug somebody?’ That’s just really forced affection anyway.”

So it’s just little things like that, they make a big difference, and having those conversations with those adults. Because it’s not just our children’s responsibility to communicate these things. As parents, we are their first line of defense. So if we utilize our voice on their behalf and they see that, again, you’re helping to model what that sounds like when someone is establishing a boundary in a kind and gentle way. It doesn’t have to come off as defensive or my guard is up. For me, respecting boundaries is the way that we show love. So when we are doing that, we are being respectful. And that’s the culture that I’m trying to create is that consent culture of implementing and upholding those boundaries. And then respecting that of others.

When we’re teaching abuse prevention in the early stage, we are also creating consent culture for the future by teaching those children how to respect the rights of others as well, and not coerce another person into owing them affection either, right? So when we’re teaching that to the adults in our lives to not do that to our kids, those kids are now going to grow up to not do that to other people.

Janet Lansbury: Right. And that holds true with us as well. That’s why it’s so important for us to have boundaries with our children that we express respectfully. If we don’t want them to be all over us in that moment, that we’re able to get a little distance with love, that we do that, that we’re not victims to our own children. Because then we’re modeling that they don’t have to respect other people’s boundaries.

Rosalia Rivera: Exactly. People think that abuse prevention is this set of rules. You do this, this, this, and this. But it’s really a whole shift in thinking when we’re talking about creating consent culture. Because we currently live in a culture that is constantly crossing boundaries. Our lines are blurred. And there’s this sense of I don’t know what’s right and what’s appropriate. And there’s this whole sort of pushback even with the #MeToo movement of, “Now everybody’s so sensitive. And now I can’t even talk to women because I’m afraid of what they’re going to say.” And it’s because this hasn’t been part of our lexicon of thinking. A lot of this is very new, both to this generation and the prior generation.

We are talking about rights and liberation, and through that is how we protect kids. It’s not just about the set, this checklist of reading certain books and teaching about private parts. That’s all part of it. But the bigger picture is how we are teaching through that daily interaction with our children and how we empower them with their rights. And that’s a big parenting shift for most people.

Janet Lansbury: Absolutely.

Can you just talk a little about a couple of the details? When we should have our antenna up, what kind of behaviors from people we should take notice of?

Rosalia Rivera: Yeah. So essentially, what that’s called are grooming signs. I think that that’s a terrible term. When I first learned about it, it’s like, “What do you mean grooming? Like when you brush your hair?” It should be really called manipulation or luring, because predators have almost a set of strategies or tactics that they use in order to gain that child’s trust and develop a bond with them, a relationship. And this is something that isn’t just done to the child, but also to the family, to the parents of that child, to get them to also trust, right? To gain their trust.

What these signs are, these grooming signs, when you put them together and you start to see that there’s more than two or three combined from a certain person, that’s when your antenna should go up.

But I always recommend if your spider senses, if your intuition or your gut is telling you something’s off, then pay more attention, limit the amount of one-on-one interaction with that person and your child. There’s a reason that you are sensing that.

And the signs that you should be looking for are, typically: you will have a person who is requesting one-on-one time with your child. So they may offer it in ways like, “I can do some babysitting, or I can take them off your hands for a couple of hours.” That may be fine because it’s a grandparent or a family member. But if you start to notice that they’re requesting it more often than what has seemed normal in the past, that’s something that you should pay attention to.

If they are gifting your child with things that could be expensive or not expensive, but it’s not at an appropriate time, like a birthday or Christmas, or some other kind of special event, that’s another potential sign of grooming.

If they are asking your child to keep secrets, even if they are considered good secrets, that’s another possible sign. Because predators sort of test or vet their possible victims through innocent things like keeping a secret about something that seems benign. So if it’s: I gave this child candy, or I treated them to ice cream and I asked them not to say anything, I want to see if they are actually going to keep that secret. And then if they do, that’s something that I can use against them later to say, “Well, you kept that secret. And if your parents find out,” or whatever threat or bribe they use. So that’s sort of proof to them that the child is willing to keep a secret and they can continue to erode a boundary. So if the child does say, “So-and-so gave me this, but they said not to say anything.” That’s a potential red flag.

Again, this is in combination. So like you may say: Well, my mom gave him some ice cream and I’m pretty sure that that should be fine. It likely is if it’s that one thing. But if it’s in combination with a bunch of other things, then it’s something to pay attention to.

I’ve even had a parent who said, “My mom was doing all these grooming things, and I know she’s not an abuser, but she is a narcissist. And she was kind of using my child in a manipulative way because she was trying to access this other thing or this information about the family.” So it’s like, well, you can have grooming that happens for a specific reason. It doesn’t always have to be abuse. But these are still the typical signs that a predator will use.

So those are three.

Another one is if they’re trying to get more of that one-on-one time, but they’re asking the child to ask the parents.

And suddenly then the child is trying to not hang out with that person if they have abused them already. And suddenly when the child originally was always wanting to hang out with that person and now they’re suddenly not wanting to hang out with that person, that’s another definite red flag that you should be paying attention to. And particularly if that person keeps insisting on getting more one-on-one time with them.

Janet Lansbury: And then I’m sure there are ways that you can broach these subjects with your child in terms of finding out more, asking them the right questions and —

Rosalia Rivera: Yeah. With the child, if you can have the communication of letting them know that they can always come to you, that there’s nothing that they could ever do that would make them unlovable. I think this is one of the biggest ones that parents don’t realize is the thing that would prevent a child from actually reporting —  that if they feel that they would be unloved because of what happened. And one of the best ways to preempt that, and I talk about this a lot when it comes to telling your child you did something bad or you did something good, and we do this with Christmas, right? You’re on the naughty list or you’re on the good list, right? Are you going to get coal or gifts? That whole concept gets really ingrained into kids’ minds. They think if they did something bad, that that makes them bad. And so if we reinforce to our children that they are always good, that there’s nothing that they can do that would make them unlovable, that your love is unconditional.

And for a lot of parents they’re like, “Well my kid knows that.” Well, do they know it because it’s in your mind and you’re expressing it through your actions, or do they know it because you have taken the time to reiterate this?

And this actually was something that I recently learned about with my youngest. They had drawn on the wall or something with crayons. And they could see that I wasn’t very happy about the fact that they did that. But I’ve learned at this point it’s removable. I don’t need to freak out or anything. So that had happened and we were, I think he was going to the bathroom and I have to go with him because it’s through this dark hallway, so I’m always having to walk with him there. And I don’t know why, I just looking at how adorable he is. And I said, “I love you so much.”

And he’s like, “You do?”

And I said, “Yeah, of course I do.”

He says, “Even though I drew on the wall with the crayons?”

I said, “Yeah, of course I love you even though you did that.”

And you could see the wheels turning in his head because he knew that I was not happy about it, right? But at the same time, I had not realized how he had internalized that maybe this somehow made him less lovable.

And he’s like, “I thought I was bad.”

And I said, “You’re not bad.” I said, “What you did was not good, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not good.” You know?

That’s a really big part of how kids will determine whether they tell us something based on what a predator would say to them. “Your parents aren’t going to love you.” Or, “After they know what you did, they’re going to be ashamed of you.” There are a lot of manipulative strategies that predators use.

We have to continuously reinforce this idea with our kids through not just our actions but through our words to let them know on a regular basis that no matter what anybody ever tells them, no matter what they do, that they are always unconditionally loved by us.

Janet Lansbury: Absolutely.

Rosalia Rivera: And the older they get, we may tend to think that they don’t need those reminders, but it’s actually when they need them even more. Because we aren’t as physically affectionate with our children as they get older. And they kind of have more of that independence, especially as they’re going into the teenage years. This is when they need to hear it. They need to be reassured a bit.

Janet Lansbury: And that they’re going to make mistakes and that we all do.

I always told my kids, “I’ve done worse than whatever you’re going to do. So you can always tell me, don’t worry. I’m not going to judge you. I’m not going to shame you,” in keeping those lines open. So important. Because, yeah, as kids get older, we expect more of them. It’s harder not to be judgmental, instead of just judging the behavior and helping them with the behavior.

Rosalia Rivera: Yeah. And when I think of what are the most important things that we should teach about abuse prevention, that’s one of the top three, I would say. Because that will always let them know that they have a safe place to land. And no matter what, we’ll always believe them. And no matter what, we’ll always love them. And there isn’t anything that they can do that would make them less lovable.

Unfortunately for a lot of survivors, that is one of the reasons why they never disclosed. So we know that based on that, it’s really important for kids to know that they’ll continue to be worthy of love regardless of what happens to them or how they may have been manipulated to believe that somehow they were complicit.

Janet Lansbury: Wow. Well this is heavy, heavy stuff. This is a really good note to end on. I hate to end because you’re such a wealth of information. I really meant it — I could talk with you for hours and hours, and maybe we will do another. I would like that — to explore some of these other topics that you specialize in. But in the meantime, thank you so much for your work. I love that it is passion driven. I’ve listened to your story about how you got into this. And it was fascinating, all the different careers that you had and different interests you had, and how you kept coming back to this important healing that you needed to do yourself. And now you’re offering it to others. So kudos to you and have a great rest of your day.

Rosalia Rivera: Thank you.

Janet Lansbury: Along with all of Rosalia’s other resources at Consent Parenting (HERE) that I’ve linked in the transcript of this podcast, she’s also reopening her membership group for adult child sexual abuse survivors. And I’ll have the link for that (HERE).

And both of my books are available on audio, please check them out. Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting and No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame. You can even get them for free from Audible by following the link in the liner notes of this podcast, or you can go to the books section of my website and find them there. You can also get them in paperback at Amazon, and in ebook at Amazon, Barnes And Noble, and apple.com.

Thanks again for listening. We can do this.

 

The post Abuse Prevention Strategies to Keep Our Kids Safe (with Rosalia Rivera) appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

When we call children “shy,” “lonely,” or “selfish,” we’re often surprisingly incorrect. Why?

If you have any school-aged children in your life, you know that lockdown and active shooter drills have become a routine part of their school experience. These drills now take place in 95 percent of American schools.

What you’re about to hear is a collaboration between Slate and The Trace, a nonprofit newsroom covering gun violence in the United States. It’s an audio project featuring firsthand accounts from kids of all ages about what it’s like to go through these drills. We hear a lot about school shootings, but we’re only starting to have a larger conversation about how they affect even those kids who may never go through one. 

You can hear more from the students at slate.com/lockdown.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Two families reach out to Janet for help because they are struggling to get work done at home. Separating from their young children causes whining, crying and tantrums, which in turn interrupts and frustrates the parents. One parent writes: ”My son has significant tantrums about why daddy has to work… I really can’t take the tantrums anymore every time he sees or hears him.” With so many parents at home these days trying to navigate this dynamic, Janet offers 3 suggestions for how they can communicate respectfully with their children and help to establish boundaries.

Transcript of “3 Hints for Parents Working at Home”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today, I’m going to offer some ideas to help make working at home work better. I’ve received several questions about this recently, and I know that working at home is in many ways a privilege that a lot of parents don’t have. But even parents that work outside the home have to do work at home sometimes — housework or computer work, paying bills and things like that. So hopefully these ideas will help those families too.

Okay. So I’m actually going to read two notes that I received about working at home, and I’ll call them Family One and Family Two. Here’s Family One:

Hi, Janet. First off, I love your podcast and the RIE approach to childcare. I’m having a challenge that I imagine I’m not alone in right now and I would so value your insight. We finally got little bit of childcare help during these crazy COVID times, a very responsible, socially distancing high schooler is coming over two mornings a week to play with our two and a half year old while my husband and I work. I am now working from home a hundred percent and he alternates a bit going to the office and being at home. The challenge is that anytime our son isn’t getting what he wants or is upset for any reason and he is fairly mercurial in his moods, he comes upstairs to find me.

We have a gate at the top of the stairs and I’m working in the bedroom with the doors shut beyond that. But I just don’t really know the best way to approach this when I hear him yelling, Mommy, mommy,’ and the babysitter, doing her best to provide alternatives, distract, anything. I end up coming out to manage and refocus the situation, but it interrupts my workflow and undermines her authority, I think. But ignoring him feels disrespectful too. I’m just not sure what the best strategy is and would love your thoughts on the matter. Thanks.

All right. And here’s family two:

Hi, Janet. I’ve read several posts and books of yours but I’m still struggling. My three-and-a-half-year-old son is having difficulties with my husband working from home since April. My son has significant tantrums about why daddy has to work. My husband tries to stay in his office but often comes out for a break or to join us for a meal or play when he can. This is fantastic for the family but adds to the repeated daily tantrums about, ‘Where is daddy and why can’t he play?’ I try acknowledging his feelings of sadness and let him cry while repeating, “You’re sad, you miss daddy. Daddy is working.”Nothing seems to work, and I really can’t take the tantrums anymore every time he sees or hears him. This has been going on for months and doesn’t seem to have an end in sight with fall school work plans at home. Can you please offer any advice? Thanks so much.

Okay, so I want to talk about two important ways to facilitate working at home. The first one is: (1) the power of routine.

I’ve recently taken time off from doing phone consultations so that I can focus on some other work projects I have, but I’ve been continuing with a few long-time clients, and this one mom just had her third baby. And she was telling me on the phone the other day that she thinks I need to do a podcast all about scheduling, the power of scheduling, because she has discovered this recently and it’s changed everything for her. She and her husband both work and they live in an urban area and she had a maternity leave which is just about to end so she was home for a while. They only just recently were able to get their childcare person back. So they are privileged to have childcare.

But what this mom noticed was that when she was just there with the children on her own and then with the new baby even, she realized that having a schedule for the day was a godsend. It was the key to making naps work, to her children being better able to cope with the challenges of the day and to do all the things that she needed to do. Within reason. I mean, everybody’s noticing something that some of us noticed a long time ago and that’s that things aren’t smooth when you have children. And the more we expect them to be, the more difficult it can be for us, because our frustration tolerance is going to be lower and we’re going to be disappointed when the day invariably falls apart and surprises us and children don’t do what we want them to do or expect them to do.

But this parent found… She said in the old days, when her nanny was there, her children seemed to take their naps and do the things they needed to do. But with her in her husband on the weekends, it would always be kind of a a struggle. And that’s because they had a lot of outings planned and things they wanted to do and they did not follow a routine.

There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, but it just can make life harder. And when you do work at home and have those stretches of time to get things right, or even if you are a stay-at-home parent and you need to get things done, it is so helpful to be able to know that you will probably have this break coming up where your child is self-directing their play and doesn’t need you, even when they’re awake. So it not only works better for us that we have a rhythm for the things that we want to accomplish during a day, but our child is so empowered.

I have a post called “Empowering Our Babies With Rituals,” and it talks about, even with infants (or especially with infants), that rhythm that we find with them, and then stick to. This isn’t some schedule that we impose on a child that we’re deciding. It’s based on their needs and the rhythm that supports them — what they like to do when they first wake up, which is maybe have something to eat, or if they’re a baby, nursing or bottle feeding. So this isn’t something arbitrary we impose into our lives as parents, but rather something that we sensitively develop in accordance with our child’s rhythms.

And then as soon as possible, we communicate this routine to our child, beginning with babies. We say in the morning, “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. After we change your diaper, we’ll go to your play space.”

For this mother that I had the phone consultation with, she said that her son who was in kindergarten last year, and it was online, she would have this time in the morning, first thing after breakfast, where he would do his “work.” I don’t know what it was exactly, assignments given by the teacher. And even her younger son, who is only a toddler, he would do something at that time that was more focused at a table. I don’t know if he was drawing or what he was doing, but they had that time that was “schoolwork.” And then they would play at home and then they would have lunch and naps and then maybe have an outing at the park. I didn’t really get into all those details with her, but she was so sold on this. It had changed her life so much and made her life so much easier. Especially with a newborn baby, she felt that this was supporting her so much and she could see how her two sons were thriving with this schedule.

So this routine where our child knows, and then we communicate with them, about what happens each day. Some people even like to do a visual schedule where they draw pictures and they can show the child on a chart, “Now we’re going to do this and now we’re going to do that.” That’s probably the only kind of chart I like for children. And what this is is a story that we tell our child that they get to live out each day and feel confident about, feel sure of, even the parts of it that maybe they don’t like as much, the part where they have to wash their hands before meals, and we all go do that together. They are able to feel more cooperative when they are empowered to know: This is what’s going to happen next. This story that I’ve heard is going to repeat itself. I know what’s going to happen in my world.

The world is so overwhelming to young children. They don’t have much control over anything, but through this schedule, this routine, they feel a sense of control, that they are on top of it.

And so where I would take this with parents working from home… Well, first of all, a lot of parents rebel against routines. They do not like having schedules. And I understand that. I think I’m that kind of person naturally. So I had to realize how important it was for my children and how important it was for me to know that I was going to, most of the time, get this nap time period where I could really focus and lose myself in something. I had to be convinced of this (and I think this parent I was speaking to did as well), to realize that that is more important than me getting to be spontaneous and take the kids and do whatever I want to do with them each day.

And we can still do that once in a while. In fact, giving our children that routine helps them to be more flexible when we break it once in a while. It’s a little counterintuitive. And my mentor Magda Gerber used to speak about this, that we might believe that if we take babies everywhere with us and don’t have a schedule that they will be more adaptable. But she said, “Actually no, it’s the opposite. It’s the child that is secure in their routine, has that little bit of control in their life, that is the child that can break the routine with more confidence.”

So yes, we are trading off that fun idea of getting to do whatever we want when we want it with our children and whatever mood strikes us. But the trade-off is worth it. And as this parent I just spoke with said, it’s been night and day for her.

What that also means for parents working at home is that that, even though we can pop out and say hi and that maybe feels really nice to us to be able to do that, it’s going to be harder for our child to not know and to be waiting: Oh, at any moment, my parents might be available.

And schedules aren’t about being on the clock so much as a sequence of events. So if my child knows that after their play time, then I’m out there to help with lunch, or maybe I’m not, maybe my partner is. Developing that consistency will help children not to be distracted by the idea that they might possibly have us at any moment — and so they’ve got to ask for that and wait for that and yell about that maybe, and feel uncomfortable around that. Therefore, not being able to sink into the play that’s so productive for them.

So that is something I would say to both of these families. And maybe this Family Number One is already doing this. It sounds like family Number Two isn’t because “Daddy’s been able to get together for a meal or play when he can,” this parent says. So while that seems like a plus, it’s getting in the way. It’s making it harder for their boy to let go of Daddy. So that is probably the most important bit of advice I would give to that second family.

Both of these families, it sounds like, are having a harder time with the second important idea that I want to share, which is something that if you’ve listened to this podcast, you’ve heard me talk about many, many, many times, maybe in almost every podcast: (2) letting the feelings be. And even more than just letting them be, I would actually encourage them. And this is the exact opposite of the way most of us are naturally wired.

We see our child who we adore, we see their feelings as a big problem that we have to fix instead of the most important thing they could share with us, the most important part of them for us to welcome. Because what children want most is to be seen and understood and allowed to be themselves, all sides of themselves. Which doesn’t mean that we allow them to have destructive behavior of any kind. We stop that. But the feelings behind that behavior, those need to be acceptable to us.

So in this first note, the parent says she has this high schooler that’s coming over two mornings a week and that any time her son isn’t getting what he wants or is upset for any reason, and he’s fairly mercurial in his moods, she doesn’t say how old he is, but I’m picturing a toddler, especially the “mercurial in his moods” part. It’s just a classic toddler thing. “He comes upstairs to find me,” she says. “We have a gate at the top of the stairs and I’m working with the bedroom door shut. He’s yelling, ‘Mommy, mommy,’ and the babysitter’s doing her best to provide alternatives, distract, anything.”

So what the babysitter is doing is the reaction that most of us would naturally have. She’s not comfortable with the feelings. And of course, this can be especially true when it’s someone else caring for our child, because they might worry that the parent is too uncomfortable, and therefore the caregiver has to make this go away for the parent to feel better. This is a high school student, but even for experienced caregivers, it is very hard to let a child grieve not getting what they want from the parent in a particular moment or not getting what they want, period. But this is exactly what this child needs to be able to do. And the more that we try to distract or give alternatives… It’s like us as adults trying to share something with someone, how upset we are, and they’re distracting and giving us alternatives. Children are no different in this way. They have the same need to express and have it be okay that they feel what they feel.

But what I would do as this parent is I would let the babysitter know that it’s not only okay with you, but that what you want for your child is for them to be able to be so mournful that their parent is on the other side of a door. It’s okay. That’s loving somebody. That’s adoring someone. It’s not going to hurt that child to feel those things. In fact, it will help them to feel better if we can support that. And he needs somebody to support it. So the babysitter can support it.

And then even the mother, if she feels like she needs to, she can say from the other side of that door, she can say, “Oh gosh, that is hard, isn’t it? I can’t wait to see you at lunchtime. In the meantime, thank you for sharing this with me. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I agree with you that this is hard for you. I want you to tell me about that as long as you need to, I still need to do my work.”

Instead of trying to make this disappear, make it better, make it go away… because it will keep coming back if we try to make it go away. That’s the thing.

So coming from a place of encouragement: “Yeah, you can share all that. I want you to. Tell me more.”

Instead of: I’m acknowledging your feelings so now you can stop. Because that’s where we might take this idea of acknowledging. Well, this is supposed to fix it if I just say this, so I’m just going to say it that way. I’m still uncomfortable. I’m still wanting you to stop. We have to really trust the emotions. It’s so hard. I know.

And I loved what Magda used to say. “Babies have a right to cry.” Children have a right to say they don’t like something. Let’s empower them to do that and show them that they’re safe to do that and that we welcome it with open arms.

So when this mother says that “I end up coming out to manage and refocus the situation,” that sounds like another way of her trying to fix it somehow and make it better.

Which again might work for a moment, but it’s not going to work in the bigger picture as this parent is discovering. As she says, “It interrupts my workflow and undermines the high schooler’s authority.” That’s right. But I would give the high schooler the permission and the instruction, also acknowledging with her how hard it is: “Yes, it’s really, really hard to hear him, but this is what I want you to try to do. Let him grieve.”

And you know what that also does? It will bond him to this caregiver, which is exactly what we want for our children when they have other caregivers. We want them to develop secondary attachments with them. It does wonders for a child’s confidence to know that they have people beyond their parents that they can trust. And I have experienced this so many times with other people’s children that were in classes with me or that I even just came to consult with for a couple of hours. Trust is built when we bravely encourage those uncomfortable feelings, it’s almost like an instant bonding taking us to another level in our relationship with the child. In the moment, it can feel so mean, right? It feels nicer to distract you and get you to stop. But that’s not the truth. The truth is that it is the most loving, generous, heroic thing that we can do.

So with this second family, it sounds like she’s on the right track but she’s not quite there. When she says she’s trying, “I try acknowledging his feelings of sadness and let him cry.” That tells me that, and I could be wrong, of course, because I don’t have a lot of information here, but that tells me that she’s maybe trying to acknowledge as a way to try to make it better instead of to really and truly all the way welcome the feelings about daddy. Even if he saw daddy one minute before, or with this other family, his mother played with him for an hour, and now two seconds later, he’s still feeling like this. So we might want to say, “Well, mom was just with you,” or, “You were just with daddy. You’re going to see him in a minute.” That reasonable way that we see things as adults. But the child feels the feelings anyway. So we need to trust and allow it all the way, ideally.

Children are very dramatic in these ways. They go all the way with things. I love that about them. The passion, right? The passion for this dad. I mean, how wonderful that the dad is so adored by his son! It’s okay to feel that, it’s safe.

But in the middle of the feelings, she calls these tantrums, that’s when I especially wouldn’t talk too much, because your child isn’t hearing it. All they’re feeling is pushback. Again, we may not even know we’re doing this, but they’re feeling you pushing back against what they’re expressing. I would wait. I would let your shoulders drop. Just maybe nod your head. Think acceptance. Think let the feelings be. It’s okay. Tell yourself that. Relax, breathe, know that this will pass, the waves always pass eventually.

And it will happen much less if I let it happen all the way. If I don’t push back on it at all. That’s how children clear feelings and are able to move out of them. It’s really the only way that a young child can do this.

So I know this parent says she can’t take the tantrums anymore. And I do understand that. I would spend some time thinking and focusing and meditating on letting them be, and the power of them to bond you, the power of him expressing feelings to make him feel better, to be able to function better. It’s a big load that children carry around sometimes when they can’t share their feelings all the way. We can relieve children of that load, but it takes reframing and it takes courage and patience and acceptance — letting go of fixing and doing and making it better.

So again, I would have Daddy come out at routine times just to make this a lot easier for her son. That is a kind of fix that will help. And then when he does have to say goodbye to daddy, let it rip, let him do it. Let him feel that all the way, in your loving, safe presence.

A lot of times when we feel like: I can’t take the tantrums anymore, it’s because we’ve put this pressure on ourselves that this is a problem that we have to fix. So then, yes, tantrums feel like this frustrating experience, like we’re failing.

Of course they’re going to bother us because it’s our baby. When my adult children are upset, it’s unbearable to me on one level, but I’ve learned how important it is for them and for me to allow them that space. So take this burden off your shoulders, take this burden off the high schooler’s shoulders of having to see this as a problem or a responsibility that they have to do something about. They really don’t.

And one more tip I want to share quickly is that when you can be with your child during the day, (3) be fully present without distraction. It’s very difficult for children to let go of us ever if they never really have us all the way. And these ideas will help work of any kind at home flow better. And actually everything flow better for young children.

So I hope some of that helps.

For more, both of my books are available in paperback at Amazon,  Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting and No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame. You can also get them in ebook at Amazon, Apple, Google Play, or Barnes and Noble, and in audio at Audible.com. As a matter of fact, you can get a free audio copy of either book at Audible by following the link in the liner notes of this podcast.

Thank you so much for listening. We can do this.

The post 3 Hints for Parents Working at Home appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

Two doctors clarify the science of COVID-19 in a free children’s book.

On this week’s episode: Dan and Jamilah are joined by guest host Michelle Herman, novelist, professor, and Care and Feeding columnist. They answer listener questions from a parent looking for ways to make Christmas enjoyable and a mother who is feeling left out of mother-child bonding experiences. For Slate Plus, Dan tells Lyra’s favorite new joke. (It’s awful.) Sign up for Slate Plus here. 

Recommendations:

Michelle recommends asking your kids for advice. And not just tech advice! 

Jamilah recommends How to Be a Family: The Year I Dragged My Kids Around the World to Find a New Way to Be Together by Dan Kois. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? 

Dan recommends “Hush,” a Season 3 episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. 

Join us on Facebook and email us at momanddad@slate.com to tell us what you thought of today’s show and give us ideas for what we should talk about in future episodes. Got questions that you’d like us to answer? Call and leave us a message at 424-255-7833. 

Podcast produced by Rosemary Belson. 

Hosts 

Jamilah Lemieux is a writer, cultural critic, and communications strategist based in California. 

Dan Kois is an editor and writer at Slate. He’s the author of How to Be a Family and the co-author of The World Only Spins Forward.

Michelle Herman is a novelist and essayist in Columbus, Ohio. Her books include The Middle of Everything: Memoirs of Motherhood and an advice book for children, A Girl’s Guide to Life.

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