Month: September 2020

I can’t stop thinking about the Royal Wedding.

You bet your tushy we watched it. A friend came over with fascinators, homemade scones, and clotted cream. I broke a cardinal rule of parenting and woke my daughters up on a weekend morning, and we turned on the TV an hour before the ceremony even started.

My husband thought it was all a bit ridiculous, so he stayed in bed. His loss. (Actually his win, because #sleep, but whatever.)

I loved it. I loved the celebrity sightings and the page boys and flower girls and Harry’s beard and Meghan’s dress and the tiara (OMG THE TIARA) and the singing and the preaching and the carriage ride and the commentary and I loved every single minute.

Mostly I loved Meghan’s mom. I was riveted, and not just because she’s a social worker and yogini. *Swoon.* I loved her because she managed to look gorgeous and poised and strong and collected while at the same time seeming vulnerable and scared and unsure and totally relatable.

I kept imagining what it must have been like for her to be there, on that day, watching her only daughter marry a prince. In a castle. And not some BS sorta-kinda-prince in some dusty old castle. We’re talking PRINCE HARRY in Windsor Freaking Castle, people. This was the real deal, and Doria Ragland literally had a front row seat. She must have been freaking out. Actually, she sort of looked like she was freaking out, but in the most composed way possible.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, I looked over at my daughters. They were sprawled on the couch, arms and legs draped in all different directions. There was definitely a finger up a nose, and I’m pretty sure there was a fart, too. I looked back at Meghan who beat all the odds not once, but twice, first by becoming a successful actress and then again, by becoming the first biracial American divorcee to marry a royal.

I glanced back at my daughters. Despite the fact that I have no royal aspirations for either of them, I couldn’t help but wonder how the hell I’m supposed to get them ready for such a  life. I mean, if it could happen to Meghan and Dorea, it could happen to us, right?

I thought about meal time; they still don’t remember to use their forks with any consistency. And their language. OMG I have to work on the language. I don’t know for sure, but I doubt it’s proper etiquette to respond to the Queen with, “So is your face. HAHAHAHAHA.”

We’re screwed. One might even say we’re royally screwed.

The thing is, there is no way Doria Ragland could have prepared herself or her daughter for this moment, this wedding. Even if someone had informed her thirty-six years ago that her daughter would grow up to be a Duchess, it’s hard to imagine what she could have possibly done differently. Chances are that if she had tried to groom her daughter to be a princess, she would have altered the course of history and Meghan would still be shilling suitcases on game shows (not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course).

Even if my daughters don’t grow up to be the first Jewish-American Princesses (Don’t say it, people. Just don’t.), there is a very real possibility that they will end up in jobs that I can’t even imagine right now. Until recently, my husband worked for a company that made an app. Apps require smartphones and the Internet to function, none of which even existed when we were kids. Not only could my girls grow up to be anything they want to be, whatever they want to be could include something that literally doesn’t exist yet.

Yikes.

I’m not the only parent who worries about this. (Jennifer Senior explored this dynamic in her bestselling 2015 book, All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood. If you haven’t read it, check it out. It’s an important and enlightening read.) While it can be tempting to try to teach our children anything and everything we can in hopes of preparing them, that’s not the most skillful strategy.

For one, you will drive yourself nuts. There’s only so much schlepping and scheduling and planning and paying any of us can do, and that’s ok. In addition, there’s no way to predict which instrument or language or sport or ballroom dancing or computer programming class will make the difference. Putting that kind of pressure on yourself and your ids can have the opposite effect; it will stress everyone out to the point of limiting creativity and growth. Finally, getting our kids ready for the future isn’t about content. It’s not about the information or techniques or skills they have.

Rather, our kids need to know how to think clearly and creatively, how to stay patient and engaged with challenging problems, how to be curious about the world around them, how to collaborate with others, how to fail without giving up, and how to manage uncomfortable emotions without freaking out.

I was going to write an entire post about this, but Phyllis Fagell beat me to the punch with her recent piece in The Washington Post’s On Parenting column. Don’t freak out when you read it; you don’t have to have a rocket scientist in the family to prepare your children for the future, but you might want to consider some of her excellent suggestions.

Meanwhile, I’ll be over here fantasizing about that tiara and trying to get my daughters to use their forks.

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“Can we have some screen time?”

I get this request from my daughters (ages 7 & 9) almost every afternoon. Sometimes I say yes, sometimes I say no. When I say no, sometimes my kids throw tantrums, but mostly they don’t. Mostly they find something else to do, sometimes on their own, and sometimes with a little help and prompting from me.

Here’s how we manage screen time for our kids: No screens in the mornings, during meal times, or from Friday night to Saturday night, in acknowledgment of Shabbat (the Jewish Sabbath). We do flex these rules for special occasions; when the Olympics were on, they were allowed to watch during dinner. They can watch one tv show (30 minutes or shorter) 2-3 nights during the week, and sometimes they get screen time or watch a movie on Sundays. When they’re sick or we’re on a road trip or flight, they can fry their little brains as much as they want.

We’ve come to this schedule through a lot of trial and error, and right now it’s working for us. But it’s not always easy; there’s a lot of limit setting and negotiating and re-evaluating and tolerating tantrums and talking to the girls about why we limit their screen time. But it’s worth it.

Excessive screen time has been linked to obesity, disturbed sleep, behavioral issues, poor social skills, and less play time (which in itself can lead to all of those other concerns).

If you’re struggling to manage screen time in your family, know that you’re not alone. I work with many families who feel that they have lost control of the screens in their homes. They know it’s not working for them, but they’re not sure how to change it. Please don’t beat yourself up about this; we are the first generation of parents to face this challenge, and we’re making it up as we go along. Cut yourself some slack. Getting a handle on all of this isn’t easy, but it is possible.

Here are some tips to get you started:

It must start with you. At the risk of sounding like a Hallmark card, you must be the change you want to see in your family. If you’re in the habit of always having the TV on in the background or checking your email during dinner or talking on the phone in the car, it will be essentially impossible for you to set limits with your kids. You need to change your habits before you can do the same for them. This stinks, I know it does, but it’s worth it. Not only will your mood and attention and sleep and relationships and all of that good stuff improve, but you’ll be providing a powerful model for your children.

Make a plan with your parenting partner (if you have one). You need to get on the same page about what the rules are. There’s no one right way to do this; you can figure out what works for your family. If screen time in the morning works but it’s too disruptive in the afternoon, that’s fine. Some families don’t allow any screen time during the week, but let their kids binge out on the weekend. That’s cool too. Figure out something that makes sense for your schedule and style and the times when you need your kids to leave you the hell alone so you can get stuff done. Think of it as a big experiment, something you’re going to try and see how it goes.

Tell your kids. HAHAHA GOOD LUCK WITH THIS. Seriously, though, how you break the news matters, and there are easier and harder ways to do it. Make sure everyone is well-rested and well-fed, and that you’re not too cranky or irritable. Be prepared to talk to them about the research (if you think they’ll give a hoot), but try not to lecture too much. Listen to their questions, answer them honestly, and give them space to bitch and whine and complain. They’re not wrong to be annoyed; screen time is super fun and limiting it sucks and wouldn’t it be great if we could all just stare at screens all day long and come out the other end thinner, healthier, happier, and more socialized? Of course it would! So let it be ok for them to say it; you can connect with their feelings while still setting the limits.

Make it happen. Set the limits, and stick to them, both for your kids and yourself. Do not waver. Do not show weakness. They might throw massive, epic tantrums, and that’s ok. Hang in there. Stay calm and be strong. If you can tolerate their frustration, they will learn to tolerate it too. The minute you give in, they will have you. You will be defeated, and you will have to go back to step #2 and start again. Remember, this is a slow rip of a particularly sticky band-aid, and it’s going to hurt, but hang in there. You can be more flexible once the new habits are firmly established, but this is not the time.

Help your kids figure out what to do when they’re not zoning out in front of a screen. For most kids, it’s not enough to just turn off the screens. You need to help them figure out what to do instead, and you need to get involved. Pull out a puzzle. Read a book. Throw a ball. Make some cookies. Play a card game. Teach them to knit. Pull out the play-doh. Listen to a podcast. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it doesn’t involve a screen. This will get easier as your kids adjust, but in the first days and weeks, you’ll need to step up and do some serious parenting.

Consider getting your kids a dumb phone. If your kids have a smartphone and it’s just too hard to set limits around it, get them a dumb phone. They can still stay in touch with you and talk and text with their friends, but they don’t have the appeal of social media constantly pulling at them.

Talk to the parents at your school about Wait Until 8th. This is a national movement to encourage parents to hold off on giving their children smartphones until 8th grade. We’re having these conversations at my daughters’ school, and I’m psyched about it. It’s much easier to limit screen time if your kids don’t feel like they’re missing out on all the action on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or whatever app their friends are hanging out on these days.

Re-evaluate. After a few weeks, check in with your family. How’s it going? Do you need to change the schedule? Loosen up on a few rules, or tighten down on others? You’re allowed to change your mind and your plan. Just be clear about what the new rules are going forward.

Remember this isn’t easy; these screens were meant to be addictive. Social media companies make money by getting ads in front of our eyes, so they are specifically designed to keep us glued to them for as long as possible. This is not because you are a flawed human being, it’s because you’re up against something that’s bigger than you. Here are some resources to help you make the changes you want to see in your family:

This article I wrote for the Washington Post about how making my smartphone less useful made me a better parent.

How to Break Up With Your Phone by Catherine Price

Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive and Survive in Their Digital World by Devorah Heitner

Wait Until 8th

Screenagers: Growing Up in the Digital Age (Documentary)

What’s worked for you? Do you have any other advice to share? I’d love to hear it!

Want more mindful parenting and updates on my forthcoming book, How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids? Sign up for my free newsletter here.

Bedtime can be rough, and not just for the kids. Folks get cranky, it’s hard to get motivated, and kids rarely fall asleep as quickly as we want them to. (In their defense, many of us adults also struggle with that same issue.)

The reality is that bedtime is easier for some families than others, for lots of different reasons. If your kids have to share a room and one of them is a grunty sleeper, that can make things harder. If one of your children is on a medication that screws up their sleep, that’s going to make it harder. And if your kids are night owls, they might have a harder time going to sleep or waking up on the schedule you would prefer. (And yes, in case you were wondering, night owls and early birds are actually a real thing, and if you’re one and your kid is the other, well, that just stinks. I’m super sorry because it’s really damn hard to re-adjust your internal clock.)

The reason I mention all of this is not because you should be fixing it, but because it’s a good reminder to cut yourself a whole lotta slack. This parenting gig ain’t easy, especially when we’re exhausted.

Fortunately, there are choices you can make and habits you can develop that will make bedtime easier. Here are a few tips, all of which are relevant for parents and kids:

The calmer and more present you are, the smoother it will go. This is the ultimate truth of parenting, and it can be way hard to do at bedtime because tired brains are easily distracted and super bitchy. But you’re the adult here with the fully-formed pre-frontal cortex, and the last thing you want to do is lose your sh*t and get your kid all jacked up and freaked out right when you’re trying to get them to calm down and fall asleep. So suck it up, buttercup. Put down your phone, keep taking those deep breaths, and remember that your couch and clicker await.

Routine. Routine. Routine. As much as you can, do it the same way every night. Same order of events, same songs, same kisses, same way you turn off the light and click the door shut. This predictability is soothing to children, and can help reduce anxiety and get their bodies and brains into sleep mode. (Side note: the routine is your child’s rock at bedtime, the solid ground that helps them feel safe and steady as they drift off to sleep. When the routine gets disrupted, due to travel or illness or whatever, that’s ok, but you may need to be your child’s rock more than usual.)

Put your kids to bed the same time every night. This is one of the first piece of advice given to adults struggling with insomnia, and it’s the same for kids. Get on a schedule that works for your family, and stick to it. It can feel super inconvenient at times, but if it makes bedtime easier, it’s worth it.

Put away the screens and dim the lights around the house about 30-60 minutes before bedtime. Our brains were evolutionarily wired to respond to light as a wake-up cue, and those brains can’t tell the difference between sunlight and Minecraft light. Letting them stare at phones and tablets in the evening is basically like shooting WAKE UP NOW lasers directly into your kids’ eyes, and you wouldn’t do that (and if for some reason you are doing that, well, you should stop), so put away the screens. If the thoughts of getting through the end of the evening without some sort of electronic babysitter makes you want to rip your hair out, then let them watch a TV show from across the room as opposed to staring at a tablet in their laps.

No screens in the bedroom. None. Nope. Nada. Not that one either. Just stop it. (Now if you’re going to come at me with some story about how your kids just can’t live without a little Toca City before they drift off to sleep, and they sleep just fine, well, that’s cool. If it’s working, then don’t mess with it. But if it’s not working, then you need to switch things up, and you should probably start by ripping off this particularly sticky band-aid.)

Get ready for bed well before bedtime. This one was a game changer for us. It’s so much harder to put on jammies and brush teeth when you’re tired, which is why my kids often end up rolling around on the floor with a plastic sword when they’re supposed to be brushing their hair. So, don’t wait until everyone is too exhausted to function. The minute we’re done with dinner, we get ready for bed – pajamas, hair, teeth, and clothes picked out for the next day. After that, we can do homework or play games or watch a TV show or whatever. By the time bedtime rolls around and my kids are even more tired, all we have to do is go upstairs, read a book, and get into bed. Done and done.

Don’t let your kids get overtired. Hopefully you learned this lesson when your kids were babies, but it’s always good to be reminded. Remember, exhausted brains are crazypants, which means overtired kids are more likely to think that creak in the house is a spider (because spiders are so damn creaky, of course) which leads to an epic freak out just as you were finally settling into your beloved couch. You don’t want that. Nobody wants that. So get them in bed before they get too damn tired.

Bring on the lovies. The fancy pants phrase for lovies is “transitional object,” and the whole point is to help kids feel connected to their parents when we have the nerve to leave them alone in the dark. If your kiddo is connected to a special stuffed animal, you can include it in the bedroom routine. And remember, loveys are special and important, so please don’t threaten to take them away for any reason. That’s what screen time is for. (HA!)

Don’t tell them they need to fall asleep. Honestly, folks, when was the last time that advice worked for you? Never. It never worked, so don’t dump it on your kids. Don’t remind them that they’re going to be too tired the next day if they don’t fall asleep; that’s going to make them even more stressed out. When your kids say they can’t fall asleep, tell them they don’t need to worry about it. Tell them that resting quietly in bed is almost as good as sleep, and all they need to do is relax and notice how good it feels to be cozy warm in bed.

Teach someone else to put them to sleep. I know, I know, I just got all up in your face about routine and being your kid’s rock at bedtime and here I am telling you to mix up that routine. Well, in case you hadn’t noticed, one of the super “fun” parts of parenting is that the opposite of most truths are also true, which makes it even harder to know what to do at any given point. YAY! The truth here is that every parent needs a break from bedtime, and if you’re not already getting one from a grandparent, au pair, or occasional babysitter, well, get on it if you can. (And it’s not just good for you; the more practice kids get at being flexible, well, the more flexible they’ll be. And that’s not nothing.)

Remember it will get better. Even if your kids never become great sleepers , eventually they’ll be able to get through the night without waking you up every 5 minutes. I promise. Hang in there.

What would you add to this list? What has made bedtime easier for you and your family?

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This weekend was a shitshow, y’all.

Saturday morning found me dropping off one kid (not my own) who had spent the night at our house and then picking up my daughter, who had spent the night at another friends’ house. We had a busy day planned; it was our last chance to find dresses, shoes, and anything else the girls would need for my cousin’s fancy wedding next weekend. My daughters are seven and nine, and delicate little flowers to boot (except then they’re digging their elbows into my boobs with the force of a WWF wrestler). This sensitivity can make clothes shopping particularly challenging, especially if said clothes might entail any sort of unfamiliar fabric, cut, or embellishment that could potentially brush against their skin at any point.

And don’t even get me started on the shoes.

I’ll spare you the goring (gory + boring) details of the day, but there was whining, snapping, bickering, door slamming, and multiple trips to Costco (don’t ask) for reasonably priced fancy dresses. We followed that up with forty-five minutes spent trying on and summarily rejecting approximately 387 pairs of size 2 dress shoes before settling on sneakers. SNEAKERS. Yes, they are fancy sneakers, but sneakers nonetheless. Sigh.

Oh, and not to bury the lede or anything, but I shut the car door on my daughter’s finger in the middle of a busy parking lot. She wailed, I found a band-aid, and ultimately she was fine, but I felt AWFUL. Really, really awful. Mindful parenting? Yeah. Right. I’d be lucky if I could make it through the day without physically injuring them.

We ended up having dinner at a terrible restaurant, but at least there were screens on every table so we could spend the meal continually rejecting the girls’ requests to pay $1.99 to play some stupid game. Bonus!

Sunday wasn’t a whole lot better. Nobody drowned or lost their sh*t at swim lessons, so that was good, and the Target Gods smiled upon us by having white camisoles and capri leggings in stock (thereby minimizing the amount of fancy dress fabric touching the girls’ skin). Even so, there was still a shocking amount of fighting, nagging, whining, and yelling, and by the end of the day, I was DONE. DONE DONE DONE. Truth be told, I was done before lunch, but we were out in public so I did some serious adulting and held it together.

Once the girls were finally in bed (which in itself was a fairly epic endeavor that did not showcase my finer parenting skills), I retreated to My Happy Place, also known as The Couch. I spent some time trying to understand why the weekend had been so rough, and what I could do differently in the future. Here’s what I realized:

I forgot to look at the big picture.

I got so caught up in the moment-to-moment frustrations and power struggles that I forgot to step back and consider what might else might be going on. I was so busy being annoyed at the girls for not eating their chicken or giving me attitude about cleaning their rooms that I didn’t even think about everything our family had done the past couple of weeks.

We had spent our February vacation visiting family out west, flying back the night before Crazy Hair Day at school, which was followed by Pajama Day, Insight Out and Backwards Day, Costume Day, Spirit Day, and Can Somebody Please Get Mommy a Xanax Day. It was all good stuff, but two straight weeks of unpredictable schedules, new experiences, and overly fun activities had completely depleted our entire family. I then thoughtlessly allowed them to end the week with spontaneous sleepovers, thereby essentially guaranteeing they wouldn’t get the sleep they needed.

Whoops.

Once I figured out the likely source of the weekend chaos, I thought about what I could do better the next time this happens (make no mistake about it, there will always be a next time). It all boils down to two simple, but not always easy, steps.

Step 1: Slow everything down. Waaaaay down. When I move slowly, I make it less likely that I will forget, lose, drop, or break things. I also feel less stressed, which means I’m less likely to snap at the girls. Besides, it’s not like I’m Jack Bauer in 24, racing to save the world. There’s just no reason for me to rush as often as I do, and each time I do, I risk missing the the big picture, or worse, such as slamming my daughter’s finger in the car door. Doh. Now, slowing down isn’t easy, especially when I’ve gotten in the habit of rushing even we’re not running late. I have a little mantra that helps me remember to slow down, courtesy of my favorite Zen Master (and in all honesty, the only one I’ve ever heard of), Thich Nhat Hanh. Smile, breathe, and go slowly. I remind myself to smile, breathe, and go slowly several times each day, so if you see me wandering around with a ridiculous grin on my face, now you know why.

Step 2: Calm everything down. Yes, I need to calm down in the moment, but it’s more than that. I’m talking about calming the entire family down in the aftermath of a Big Adventure or Major Change. Had I remembered this, I wouldn’t have let the girls go on those sleepovers, and I would have made sure we had extra home time this weekend, time for reading, snuggling, playing, or even watching a movie together. Truth be told, even quiet afternoons aren’t enough to avoid the meltdowns, but they’re easier to handle when we’re not trying to get somewhere or get something done.

It’s helpful to remember that just because we’re free to do something that doesn’t mean we should do that thing. I need to look not just at each particular block of time, but the days and weeks on either side. Have we just come through a particularly busy time, or are we heading into one? Do we already have a few late nights scheduled, or even just one? When that’s happening, it’s especially important to leave some downtime in the schedule.

And finally, no matter what, I have to remember to go easy on myself when I forget what I should remember, when I rush instead of slowing down, when I snap instead of breathing. Remembering to smile, breathe, and go slowly in the middle of a difficult parenting moment isn’t easy, but fortunately my kids will give me lots of opportunities to practice.

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In my last post, I wrote about why I started teaching my kids to meditate. In this post, I’ll share how I taught them, and what I did when they lost interest.

I want to start out by saying that I don’t think formal meditation is the best way to teach mindfulness to young children. Kids often do better with concrete, fun activities, especially when they can move their bodies. (I’ve shared over 100 different ways to teach mindfulness to children in my book, Ready, Set, Breathe: Practicing Mindfulness with Your Children for Fewer Meltdowns and a More Peaceful Family.)

Having said that, my girls (ages 7 & 9) wanted to meditate with me, so I decided to give it a shot. I meditate sitting on a cushion on the floor, and the girls each have a cushion as well. They brought their cushions in, and I taught them how to sit comfortably. I reminded them how to do a basic breathing meditation, and then we pulled out my smartphone and launched the Insight Timer app. I let them each choose a bell tone they preferred, one to start the meditation, and one to end it.

(I’ve shared the instructions I used with my daughters at the end of this post. Feel free to modify them and use them with your own kids!)

We set the timer for three minutes (start small, people!), got comfortable, and started the meditation. The girls sat perfectly still and breathed slowly and carefully the entire time.

HA! Just kidding! You didn’t really believe that, did you?

They fidgeted and whispered and huffed and rolled around. Each time I found myself distracted by their noise or movement, I noticed that distraction and then brought my attention back to my breath. When the final bell rang, we sat and listened to the fading sound until we could no longer hear it. I asked them if they had any questions or thoughts, and while they didn’t have any brilliant insights, they did note that they might want to meditate lying down next time. I didn’t reprimand them for being so fidgety, and I didn’t tell them they should do it better. I just thanked them for meditating with me, and that was it.

This little routine lasted for about three days, and then they both lost interest. I invited them to join me for a few more days, they refused, so I let it go. They know I still meditate, and they know they can join me any time, but I’m not pushing it.

Yes, of course I want them to meditate, but I also know from my experience as both a mother and a child that pushing your kids to do something can backfire. Bigtime. So I’m going to keep doing what I have been doing all along: practicing mindfulness, meditating, and sharing it with the girls through books, stories, and a variety of other games and activities.

When they’re ready to rejoin me, they will.

How to Sit in Meditation:

There are four basic body positions for practicing mindfulness meditation: sitting down, lying down, standing up, or walking. For beginning meditators, I generally suggest sitting down or lying down. If you want to sit, you can sit on a cushion or on a chair.

Whatever position you choose, you want to be comfortable and stable, otherwise it will be hard for you to get calm and focused. If you’re sitting on a cushion, make sure you have 3 body parts touching the floor: your tushy and both knees. If you can sit cross-legged on the cushion and you are flexible enough to have your knees on the ground (I can’t!), that’s great. If not, you can put another cushion or a folded blanket under each knee for support, or you can try the modified kneeling position described in #5 in this article. (That’s how I sit.)

From there, you want to sit up straight. You don’t have to sit up so hard that your back and neck hurt, but you don’t want to slouch either. When you keep your back straight, it sends a message to your mind and body that what you’re doing is important. 

You can keep your eyes open or closed. If you keep them open, find a spot on the floor in front of you and try to rest your eyes on it. That means you don’t have to stare hard at it, just let your eyes rest on it. You can rest your hands on your legs, or in your lap.

Basic Breathing Meditation (for Grownups and Kids):

Start by taking a couple of deep breaths. When you take those breaths, notice where you feel them most easily. Do you notice the air moving in and out of your nose? Do you feel it in your chest? Or do you notice your belly getting bigger and smaller? There’s no right or wrong answer here; what matters is that you find the place in your body where it’s easiest to feel your breath.

From there, let your breathing settle into your normal routine. You don’t need to force, hold, or lengthen your breath. Just breathe, and notice the feeling of your breath moving in and out of your body. When your mind wanders (as it will!), notice the wandering and then return to your breathing. Don’t stress when you find yourself thinking; that’s just your mind doing what it was made to do. The goal is not to stay perfectly focused on your breath, the goal is to notice your mind’s wanderings over and over again, and then choose to come back to your breath, over and over again.

You may want to start with shorter sessions, perhaps five minutes long. As I mentioned above, I use the Insight Timer app; it’s got several lovely bell tones to choose from and you can keep track of your meditation sessions with it. As you get more comfortable with the experience, you can lengthen the sessions.

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Teaching my girls to meditate wasn’t one of my resolutions for the new year. I’ve got a ton of tricks up my sleeve for practicing mindfulness with them; so many, in fact, that I wrote a book about it. But formal seated meditation can be hard for little ones, especially kiddos who are super twitchy after being stuck inside for a week because the temperature outside is approximately one bajillion degrees below zero.

But I’m still meditating, and I’m always looking for more support for my practice. (You can’t do this alone folks, none of us can.) So I signed up for Susan Piver’s 21 Day Meditation Challenge.* The first guided meditation landed in my email yesterday morning, and my kids wanted to try it with me. So, we tried it.

My older daughter (age 9) was interested in watching the introductory video, which she totally didn’t understand and so I explained to her as well as I could. By the time we actually sat down to meditate, she had ants in her pants, so she got up and walked away. My younger one (age 7) skipped the video, but she was able to sit with me for five minutes of breathing meditation. They both wanted to try again tomorrow, so I’m calling it a win.

In my next post, I’ll walk you through exactly how we meditated together (spoiler alert: it’s not hard at all, but there are a few tools and strategies that will make it easier). Right now I want to focus on why I’m teaching them to meditate.

• Meditation will help shape their brain (in a good way!). Researchers have found that meditation can strengthen the areas of our brains that help us solve problems, think creatively, manage our emotions, and connect with other people. In addition, when we sit and breathe in an intentional way, the part of our brain that makes us fight, flight, freeze, or freak out gets a little smaller and less reactive. Basically, a consistent meditation practice can lead to fewer meltdowns, which is pretty much the greatest thing ever.
• Meditation can teach my girls how to notice their thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. There are tons of different ways to meditate, but many of them involve noticing something about our internal experience (rather than getting caught up in it). The more we practice noticing, the more likely we will be to clue into what’s going on in our minds and bodies before the freak out happens. It’s the difference between your kiddo realizing she’s hungry and asking for a snack and flipping out all over the place because she didn’t realize how hangry she was until it was too late. I’ll take Option A, please.
• It teaches them that they don’t have to take their thoughts seriously. Just last night my daughter had a terrible nightmare, and she was having a hard time settling down. Rather than asking her about the details of her dream, I just reminded her that they aren’t real, they’re just thoughts. And then we practiced counting her breaths as a way to bring her awareness back to the present moment. It took a few minutes, because the thoughts that come from an exhausted brain can be pretty sticky, but eventually we got her calmed down and back to sleep. The more my kids meditate, the better they’ll get at noticing their thoughts and letting them go.
• They will practice, and get better at, paying attention – even in situations that are boring or hard. The ability to pay attention is a fundamental life skill, one that is becoming increasingly challenging in an age of screens and smartphones and notifications and social media and internet browsers with 27 open tabs. Fortunately, it’s also a skill that we can get better at through intentional practice. Meditating is like going to the gym for your brain, but without the risk of falling off the treadmill.
• Meditation teaches them how to calm themselves down in challenging moments. Most of us never even realize we’re breathing, which generally works out well for us. (Imagine if we had to remember to breathe all the time. YIKES!) But the ability to breathe intentionally is a powerful strategy for handling difficult moments; as I tell my daughters, it’s a quick, easy, and sneaky way to tell our bodies that everything is ok, and that they can calm down now.

I’m not sure how long our current meditation experiment will last, but I’m going to stick with my practice and share it with them as long as they’re interested. In my next post, I’ll walk you through every step of how we’re meditating together.

* Full disclosure: I’m not getting any kick-back or bonus from Susan Piver for this shout-out. I’m just a big fan of her teaching, and I want to share the good stuff with you all.

Want more mindful parenting and updates on my forthcoming book, How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids? Sign up for my free, not-at-all annoying newsletter. 

Today is Giving Tuesday, hot on the heels of Cyber Monday, Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, and Melt on The Couch Because You’re So Damn Tired Sunday.

Folks, we are officially in the holiday season. Yikes.

By now you’ve probably already read various posts about how to survive the holidays and make them more meaningful without getting sucked into the chaos. You also probably came across ideas such as gifting experiences rather than objects, remembering the reason for the season (which, despite what my kids will tell you, is not acquiring every Lego Friends set ever made)  and adopting an attitude of gratitude. Cheesy rhymes aside, this is all solid advice.

There’s just one problem with all of it: It’s hard to do.

It’s hard to be intentional and chill and super mindful during the holidays for a few different reasons:

• Very little about our popular culture supports you in doing anything other than buying all the crap all the time.
• You may have a history of getting sucked into the busyness of decorating and cooking and shopping and trying to make everyone else happy, all of which may have been exacerbated once you became a parent and wanted to make the holiday “perfect” for your kids.
• The holidays can be triggering because of loss, divorce, family tension, mental health concerns, financial stressors, or any number of other issues.
• You feel compelled to continue with old holiday traditions or rituals, even when they don’t work for you anymore.
• Your schedules and routines get disrupted by travel plans, guests, holiday events, and days off school.
• Things get so busy that you forget to take care of your basic needs (sleep, exercise, quiet time, etc), while holding yourself to even higher standards than you usually do.

This isn’t going to be another post reminding you to be breathe and go slowly (although that is excellent advice). Rather, I want to explore what you can to make easier to be intentional in how you spend your time, money, and energy during the holidays, rather than getting caught up in old habits or reactive behaviors.

• Take just a little time to figure out what really matters to you. There is no right answer here, other than what’s right for your family. Journaling can help, and if you have a parenting partner, discuss it with them. This is important because it’s hard to be mindful when you don’t know what you’re supposed to be mindful of.
• Check social media less often. This is important during this time of year for a very specific reason: the more time you spend staring at carefully curated and filtered images of beautifully decorated homes and perfectly iced gingerbread cookies and super meaningful religious experience and warm, loving family time, the more inadequate you will feel. I can remind you twenty-seven ways to Christmas that those images either aren’t real or aren’t the whole story, but your brain won’t remember that when you’re actually staring at them. So give yourself a break.
• Be flexible with your schedule, but honor the showstoppers. It’s ok for your daily routines to get a little wonky during the holidays because of your daughter’s Hanukkah performance at school or the annual family viewing of Elf. Your kids will likely eat more crap than they usually do, and that’s ok too. It’s part of what makes this time of year fun, so try not to stress about it. However, you would do well to honor the showstoppers in your family. I’m talking about the basic self-care that the each person in your family needs to keep functioning. I have one kid who has to get 11-12 hours of sleep each night or she gets sick. I have another one who gets super cranky if she doesn’t move her body. I get tired and irritable if I eat too much sugar. It’s different for everyone, and some folks are more flexible than others, but if you can figure out the showstoppers for each member of your family and do your best to honor them, the holiday will go more smoothly.
• Give yourself permission to change course. It’s ok to switch it up, to let go of old traditions and start new ones. It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to set limits. No, really, it is, and not just because some random lady on the internet says so. This is your life, and these are your holidays. How do you want to live them? If you’re not sure, go back to that conversation about your values. It will help.
• Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Whether you like it or not, sleep is a showstopper for everyone. Even if you think you can get by with six hours a night, you can’t. You just can’t. Everything about the holidays will be easier and more fun when you’re not sleep deprived, so do whatever it takes to get more sleep. Keep in mind that both alcohol and caffeine can screw up your sleep, so take it easy on the booze and coffee if sleep is a challenge for you.
• Connect with your peeps. Many of us spend time over the holidays with folks who we may love, but they aren’t our peeps. Our peeps are the friends we can be real and honest and hilarious with, and we know they’ll laugh at our crazy shit and share their insanities. You know you’re with your peeps because after you hang out with them, you feel better: more relaxed, less stressed, more empowered, less ashamed.
• Go easy on yourself. This can be a hard time of year for so many reasons. It’s ok to feel sad or disappointed or angry or confused. Do the best you can with what you have, take care of yourself, and remember that whatever you’re dealing with, you’re not alone.

Want more mindful parenting and updates on my forthcoming book, How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids? Sign up for my free, not-at-all annoying newsletter.