Category: Parenting

Becoming a parent is a big responsibility and one that brings joy and some uncertainty too. You may wonder if you will know how to respond to your baby, and as they grow, you will still have those same questions. Parents want to feel like they know what their children need, and they want to … Continue reading Accentuate the Positive

The uncertainty around many of the situations that families may have been experiencing lately can cause us to experience the “s” word…also known as STRESS! While stress can take many forms and it can be considered both positive and negative, all of us, at one time or another, have probably experienced stress! Over time, each … Continue reading Getting After Stress

The parenting years can be both a blur of activity and sleepless nights, a time of great excitement and unending joy for many families. As parents work to figure out how best to meet the needs of the little ones in their care, they must also realize their own self-care needs. We often hear the … Continue reading Being Both a Parent and a Person

Children may be seeing images and videos of protests and violence. They may be hearing loud and angry voices. They may even be part of sad or traumatic events. They may be wondering and possibly even asking really hard questions that we as parents don’t know how to answer. Lori Hayungs, co-host of the Science … Continue reading Talking with children about race and racial bias

We just wrapped up Season One: Parenting Foundations. Yes, I just said that. It’s hard for us to get our heads around that fact. When we began talking about the possibility of podcasting about parenting, we had no idea we would actually be wrapping up an official season less than eight months later, let alone … Continue reading What Have We Learned

“I’m tired. My feet hurt. I don’t want to walk anymore and it’s really hot. I need to stop and rest. Can you carry me? Why can’t you carry me?”

In her defense, my 8 year old made it all the way up and most of the way down a fairly steep hike before the whining began. My husband reminded her of what a good hiker she is, and that the more she practiced hiking, the better she would get at it, and that the hardest part of the trek was already behind us, and that she just needed to keep walking and we would get her a giant plate of pasta (without the dreaded red sauce, of course) as soon as we got back to the car.

None of it helped. She was a grumplestiltskin.

Fortunately, this was my moment to shine, and not just because I’ve spent the better part of a decade practicing mindfulness in a desperate attempt to get a little space from my own obnoxious, unhelpful thoughts. It’s also because I have years of experience suffering my way up and down various hills and mountains. I love hiking, but steep inclines can be particularly challenging for me and I can easily end up as cranky as, well, an 8 year old.

“Ok, kiddo,” I said as I took her sweaty little hand in mine. “Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re going to count our steps, 1-8, and then start again. I’m going to count to 8 first, and then it’s your turn.” And so I started counting, saying each number out loud as my feet hit the ground. I counted and then my daughter counted and together we fell into a steady rhythm as we walked along the rocky trail.

Within a couple of minutes, my daughter asked if she could make up a song instead. Sure! Here’s what she came up with:

Hiking. Boom. Hiking. Boom. Ha Ha Hiking Boom.

Walking. Boom. Walking. Boom. Wa Wa Walking Boom.

We held hands and repeated her chant in a steady rhythm for the next twenty minutes. My older daughter and husband walked ahead of us, occasionally looking back and smiling at our ridiculous little ditty.

Once we were back in the car, my daughter commented on how helpful the counting and singing had been. I explained that it was a little trick I invented in college, when I often went hiking with friends. I was embarrassed to stop in front of them so I had to figure out a way to keep going even when I was tired. 

And then we talked about why, and how, my strategy worked. (Because when your mother is a social worker, you get to process *everything*.) This is what we came up with:

1. It helped tame my daughter’s unruly thinking. Her tired brain got stuck in cranky thought patterns, which made it hard for her to think about anything else. (This is just what the human brain does when it’s tired.) Instead of trying to force her exhausted brain to do something it couldn’t do, we just gave it something super easy to focus on.

2. It kept her brain in the present moment, focused on one step at a time. Tired brains are particularly prone to stressing about the past or worrying about the future. In this case, my kiddo just kept worrying about how much longer the hike would last and whether it would get hard again and if her body was going to get even more tired. All that future thinking made the hike seem harder than it actually was.

3. My daughter’s body was feeling particularly sore and tired, which meant it needed a little extra help to keep walking. A walking stick might have worked, but we couldn’t find a good one. A piggy back ride from a parent might have also done the trick, but we were both carrying backpacks, and besides, she’s going to outgrow that option in the next year or two. Rather, we needed help from her brain; chanting or singing something with a steady rhythm did the trick and kept her moving.

4. Keeping your body and brain working on the same thing often makes hard tasks easier. If your body is doing one thing, but your brain is doing something else, then your brain has to think about what it’s doing while also trying to keep an eye on your body and that’s stressful and makes things harder. And yes, whining and complaining (even if you’re whining and complaining about what your body is actually doing in that very moment) counts as doing two different things because your brain gets distracted by how unhappy you are. Counting, chanting, or just describing whatever you’re doing keeps your brain in sync with your body.

We also talked about how this strategy can be helpful for almost any hard activity, not just hiking. You can count your way through boring tasks like cleaning up beads that have fallen all over the floor or chant to keep your mind focused while you fold laundry or jump rope. I also briefly mentioned that we were practicing mindfulness. I didn’t push it though, because when you’re mama’s a social worker, well, sometimes it’s enough already.

Want more mindful parenting and updates on my forthcoming book, How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids? Sign up for my free newsletter here.

Father’s Day is coming up this weekend, which has got me thinking about my Dad. He gave me a lot of advice over the years. I listened to all of it, and then promptly forgot or blatantly ignored most of what he said (sorry, Dad!). However, there were a few nuggets of wisdom that I took to heart, and one suggestion in particular has made my life and parenting significantly easier.

Don’t take the last run.

These four words come from the years we spent on the ski slopes of northern New Mexico. My Dad was a ski instructor and I was a squirt on Mickey Mouse skis. Eventually I grew into an adolescent pain in the butt who spent my chair lift rides scraping the snow off my skis onto unsuspecting skiers below. No matter how old I was, I loved being on the slopes, and I always wanted to take just one more run.

Nope, my father said, don’t do it.

The last run of the day happens when we’re the most tired (and/or hungry, tired, dehydrated, or overstimulated, depending on the situation) and thus the most likely to have an accident or injury. Even if it’s not that bad, that last run may be the one to put us over the edge into a meltdown, adults and children alike.

The last run doesn’t just happen on the ski slopes. It’s one more TV show, one more trip around the block on the bicycle, one more cookie, two more minutes on the swing, three more jumps on the trampoline, five more minutes at the playdate, two more stories before bedtime.

Basically, you want to stop while the stopping’s good. Because when the stopping gets bad, it can get really bad, especially when kids are involved.

Sometimes I have a hard time keeping my own advice in mind; the girls are having so much fun, or maybe they’re not having that much fun but I’m enjoying talking to my friends so what do I care, or maybe they’re just asking really nicely. Either way, it can be so damn tempting to just let them take one more run. What can possibly go wrong?

Uhhhhh… a lot. A lot can go wrong.

Don’t do it. Notice that urge to eek out every last minute of fun, and resist it. Remind yourself and your kids not to take that last run. Pack it up while you still have a chance at getting off the mountain without a major meltdown or sprained ankle. You can get back out there tomorrow, when everyone’s had a chance to sleep and eat and return to normal functioning.

There you have it, folks. Some of the most useful advice I’ve ever gotten, courtesy of my Dad. What’s the most helpful advice your father ever gave you? I’ll share the best nuggets of wisdom in my newsletter, which, incidentally, you can sign up for here.

I can’t stop thinking about the Royal Wedding.

You bet your tushy we watched it. A friend came over with fascinators, homemade scones, and clotted cream. I broke a cardinal rule of parenting and woke my daughters up on a weekend morning, and we turned on the TV an hour before the ceremony even started.

My husband thought it was all a bit ridiculous, so he stayed in bed. His loss. (Actually his win, because #sleep, but whatever.)

I loved it. I loved the celebrity sightings and the page boys and flower girls and Harry’s beard and Meghan’s dress and the tiara (OMG THE TIARA) and the singing and the preaching and the carriage ride and the commentary and I loved every single minute.

Mostly I loved Meghan’s mom. I was riveted, and not just because she’s a social worker and yogini. *Swoon.* I loved her because she managed to look gorgeous and poised and strong and collected while at the same time seeming vulnerable and scared and unsure and totally relatable.

I kept imagining what it must have been like for her to be there, on that day, watching her only daughter marry a prince. In a castle. And not some BS sorta-kinda-prince in some dusty old castle. We’re talking PRINCE HARRY in Windsor Freaking Castle, people. This was the real deal, and Doria Ragland literally had a front row seat. She must have been freaking out. Actually, she sort of looked like she was freaking out, but in the most composed way possible.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, I looked over at my daughters. They were sprawled on the couch, arms and legs draped in all different directions. There was definitely a finger up a nose, and I’m pretty sure there was a fart, too. I looked back at Meghan who beat all the odds not once, but twice, first by becoming a successful actress and then again, by becoming the first biracial American divorcee to marry a royal.

I glanced back at my daughters. Despite the fact that I have no royal aspirations for either of them, I couldn’t help but wonder how the hell I’m supposed to get them ready for such a  life. I mean, if it could happen to Meghan and Dorea, it could happen to us, right?

I thought about meal time; they still don’t remember to use their forks with any consistency. And their language. OMG I have to work on the language. I don’t know for sure, but I doubt it’s proper etiquette to respond to the Queen with, “So is your face. HAHAHAHAHA.”

We’re screwed. One might even say we’re royally screwed.

The thing is, there is no way Doria Ragland could have prepared herself or her daughter for this moment, this wedding. Even if someone had informed her thirty-six years ago that her daughter would grow up to be a Duchess, it’s hard to imagine what she could have possibly done differently. Chances are that if she had tried to groom her daughter to be a princess, she would have altered the course of history and Meghan would still be shilling suitcases on game shows (not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course).

Even if my daughters don’t grow up to be the first Jewish-American Princesses (Don’t say it, people. Just don’t.), there is a very real possibility that they will end up in jobs that I can’t even imagine right now. Until recently, my husband worked for a company that made an app. Apps require smartphones and the Internet to function, none of which even existed when we were kids. Not only could my girls grow up to be anything they want to be, whatever they want to be could include something that literally doesn’t exist yet.

Yikes.

I’m not the only parent who worries about this. (Jennifer Senior explored this dynamic in her bestselling 2015 book, All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood. If you haven’t read it, check it out. It’s an important and enlightening read.) While it can be tempting to try to teach our children anything and everything we can in hopes of preparing them, that’s not the most skillful strategy.

For one, you will drive yourself nuts. There’s only so much schlepping and scheduling and planning and paying any of us can do, and that’s ok. In addition, there’s no way to predict which instrument or language or sport or ballroom dancing or computer programming class will make the difference. Putting that kind of pressure on yourself and your ids can have the opposite effect; it will stress everyone out to the point of limiting creativity and growth. Finally, getting our kids ready for the future isn’t about content. It’s not about the information or techniques or skills they have.

Rather, our kids need to know how to think clearly and creatively, how to stay patient and engaged with challenging problems, how to be curious about the world around them, how to collaborate with others, how to fail without giving up, and how to manage uncomfortable emotions without freaking out.

I was going to write an entire post about this, but Phyllis Fagell beat me to the punch with her recent piece in The Washington Post’s On Parenting column. Don’t freak out when you read it; you don’t have to have a rocket scientist in the family to prepare your children for the future, but you might want to consider some of her excellent suggestions.

Meanwhile, I’ll be over here fantasizing about that tiara and trying to get my daughters to use their forks.

Want more mindful parenting and updates on my forthcoming book, How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids? Sign up for my free newsletter here.

“Can we have some screen time?”

I get this request from my daughters (ages 7 & 9) almost every afternoon. Sometimes I say yes, sometimes I say no. When I say no, sometimes my kids throw tantrums, but mostly they don’t. Mostly they find something else to do, sometimes on their own, and sometimes with a little help and prompting from me.

Here’s how we manage screen time for our kids: No screens in the mornings, during meal times, or from Friday night to Saturday night, in acknowledgment of Shabbat (the Jewish Sabbath). We do flex these rules for special occasions; when the Olympics were on, they were allowed to watch during dinner. They can watch one tv show (30 minutes or shorter) 2-3 nights during the week, and sometimes they get screen time or watch a movie on Sundays. When they’re sick or we’re on a road trip or flight, they can fry their little brains as much as they want.

We’ve come to this schedule through a lot of trial and error, and right now it’s working for us. But it’s not always easy; there’s a lot of limit setting and negotiating and re-evaluating and tolerating tantrums and talking to the girls about why we limit their screen time. But it’s worth it.

Excessive screen time has been linked to obesity, disturbed sleep, behavioral issues, poor social skills, and less play time (which in itself can lead to all of those other concerns).

If you’re struggling to manage screen time in your family, know that you’re not alone. I work with many families who feel that they have lost control of the screens in their homes. They know it’s not working for them, but they’re not sure how to change it. Please don’t beat yourself up about this; we are the first generation of parents to face this challenge, and we’re making it up as we go along. Cut yourself some slack. Getting a handle on all of this isn’t easy, but it is possible.

Here are some tips to get you started:

It must start with you. At the risk of sounding like a Hallmark card, you must be the change you want to see in your family. If you’re in the habit of always having the TV on in the background or checking your email during dinner or talking on the phone in the car, it will be essentially impossible for you to set limits with your kids. You need to change your habits before you can do the same for them. This stinks, I know it does, but it’s worth it. Not only will your mood and attention and sleep and relationships and all of that good stuff improve, but you’ll be providing a powerful model for your children.

Make a plan with your parenting partner (if you have one). You need to get on the same page about what the rules are. There’s no one right way to do this; you can figure out what works for your family. If screen time in the morning works but it’s too disruptive in the afternoon, that’s fine. Some families don’t allow any screen time during the week, but let their kids binge out on the weekend. That’s cool too. Figure out something that makes sense for your schedule and style and the times when you need your kids to leave you the hell alone so you can get stuff done. Think of it as a big experiment, something you’re going to try and see how it goes.

Tell your kids. HAHAHA GOOD LUCK WITH THIS. Seriously, though, how you break the news matters, and there are easier and harder ways to do it. Make sure everyone is well-rested and well-fed, and that you’re not too cranky or irritable. Be prepared to talk to them about the research (if you think they’ll give a hoot), but try not to lecture too much. Listen to their questions, answer them honestly, and give them space to bitch and whine and complain. They’re not wrong to be annoyed; screen time is super fun and limiting it sucks and wouldn’t it be great if we could all just stare at screens all day long and come out the other end thinner, healthier, happier, and more socialized? Of course it would! So let it be ok for them to say it; you can connect with their feelings while still setting the limits.

Make it happen. Set the limits, and stick to them, both for your kids and yourself. Do not waver. Do not show weakness. They might throw massive, epic tantrums, and that’s ok. Hang in there. Stay calm and be strong. If you can tolerate their frustration, they will learn to tolerate it too. The minute you give in, they will have you. You will be defeated, and you will have to go back to step #2 and start again. Remember, this is a slow rip of a particularly sticky band-aid, and it’s going to hurt, but hang in there. You can be more flexible once the new habits are firmly established, but this is not the time.

Help your kids figure out what to do when they’re not zoning out in front of a screen. For most kids, it’s not enough to just turn off the screens. You need to help them figure out what to do instead, and you need to get involved. Pull out a puzzle. Read a book. Throw a ball. Make some cookies. Play a card game. Teach them to knit. Pull out the play-doh. Listen to a podcast. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it doesn’t involve a screen. This will get easier as your kids adjust, but in the first days and weeks, you’ll need to step up and do some serious parenting.

Consider getting your kids a dumb phone. If your kids have a smartphone and it’s just too hard to set limits around it, get them a dumb phone. They can still stay in touch with you and talk and text with their friends, but they don’t have the appeal of social media constantly pulling at them.

Talk to the parents at your school about Wait Until 8th. This is a national movement to encourage parents to hold off on giving their children smartphones until 8th grade. We’re having these conversations at my daughters’ school, and I’m psyched about it. It’s much easier to limit screen time if your kids don’t feel like they’re missing out on all the action on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or whatever app their friends are hanging out on these days.

Re-evaluate. After a few weeks, check in with your family. How’s it going? Do you need to change the schedule? Loosen up on a few rules, or tighten down on others? You’re allowed to change your mind and your plan. Just be clear about what the new rules are going forward.

Remember this isn’t easy; these screens were meant to be addictive. Social media companies make money by getting ads in front of our eyes, so they are specifically designed to keep us glued to them for as long as possible. This is not because you are a flawed human being, it’s because you’re up against something that’s bigger than you. Here are some resources to help you make the changes you want to see in your family:

This article I wrote for the Washington Post about how making my smartphone less useful made me a better parent.

How to Break Up With Your Phone by Catherine Price

Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive and Survive in Their Digital World by Devorah Heitner

Wait Until 8th

Screenagers: Growing Up in the Digital Age (Documentary)

What’s worked for you? Do you have any other advice to share? I’d love to hear it!

Want more mindful parenting and updates on my forthcoming book, How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids? Sign up for my free newsletter here.

Bedtime can be rough, and not just for the kids. Folks get cranky, it’s hard to get motivated, and kids rarely fall asleep as quickly as we want them to. (In their defense, many of us adults also struggle with that same issue.)

The reality is that bedtime is easier for some families than others, for lots of different reasons. If your kids have to share a room and one of them is a grunty sleeper, that can make things harder. If one of your children is on a medication that screws up their sleep, that’s going to make it harder. And if your kids are night owls, they might have a harder time going to sleep or waking up on the schedule you would prefer. (And yes, in case you were wondering, night owls and early birds are actually a real thing, and if you’re one and your kid is the other, well, that just stinks. I’m super sorry because it’s really damn hard to re-adjust your internal clock.)

The reason I mention all of this is not because you should be fixing it, but because it’s a good reminder to cut yourself a whole lotta slack. This parenting gig ain’t easy, especially when we’re exhausted.

Fortunately, there are choices you can make and habits you can develop that will make bedtime easier. Here are a few tips, all of which are relevant for parents and kids:

The calmer and more present you are, the smoother it will go. This is the ultimate truth of parenting, and it can be way hard to do at bedtime because tired brains are easily distracted and super bitchy. But you’re the adult here with the fully-formed pre-frontal cortex, and the last thing you want to do is lose your sh*t and get your kid all jacked up and freaked out right when you’re trying to get them to calm down and fall asleep. So suck it up, buttercup. Put down your phone, keep taking those deep breaths, and remember that your couch and clicker await.

Routine. Routine. Routine. As much as you can, do it the same way every night. Same order of events, same songs, same kisses, same way you turn off the light and click the door shut. This predictability is soothing to children, and can help reduce anxiety and get their bodies and brains into sleep mode. (Side note: the routine is your child’s rock at bedtime, the solid ground that helps them feel safe and steady as they drift off to sleep. When the routine gets disrupted, due to travel or illness or whatever, that’s ok, but you may need to be your child’s rock more than usual.)

Put your kids to bed the same time every night. This is one of the first piece of advice given to adults struggling with insomnia, and it’s the same for kids. Get on a schedule that works for your family, and stick to it. It can feel super inconvenient at times, but if it makes bedtime easier, it’s worth it.

Put away the screens and dim the lights around the house about 30-60 minutes before bedtime. Our brains were evolutionarily wired to respond to light as a wake-up cue, and those brains can’t tell the difference between sunlight and Minecraft light. Letting them stare at phones and tablets in the evening is basically like shooting WAKE UP NOW lasers directly into your kids’ eyes, and you wouldn’t do that (and if for some reason you are doing that, well, you should stop), so put away the screens. If the thoughts of getting through the end of the evening without some sort of electronic babysitter makes you want to rip your hair out, then let them watch a TV show from across the room as opposed to staring at a tablet in their laps.

No screens in the bedroom. None. Nope. Nada. Not that one either. Just stop it. (Now if you’re going to come at me with some story about how your kids just can’t live without a little Toca City before they drift off to sleep, and they sleep just fine, well, that’s cool. If it’s working, then don’t mess with it. But if it’s not working, then you need to switch things up, and you should probably start by ripping off this particularly sticky band-aid.)

Get ready for bed well before bedtime. This one was a game changer for us. It’s so much harder to put on jammies and brush teeth when you’re tired, which is why my kids often end up rolling around on the floor with a plastic sword when they’re supposed to be brushing their hair. So, don’t wait until everyone is too exhausted to function. The minute we’re done with dinner, we get ready for bed – pajamas, hair, teeth, and clothes picked out for the next day. After that, we can do homework or play games or watch a TV show or whatever. By the time bedtime rolls around and my kids are even more tired, all we have to do is go upstairs, read a book, and get into bed. Done and done.

Don’t let your kids get overtired. Hopefully you learned this lesson when your kids were babies, but it’s always good to be reminded. Remember, exhausted brains are crazypants, which means overtired kids are more likely to think that creak in the house is a spider (because spiders are so damn creaky, of course) which leads to an epic freak out just as you were finally settling into your beloved couch. You don’t want that. Nobody wants that. So get them in bed before they get too damn tired.

Bring on the lovies. The fancy pants phrase for lovies is “transitional object,” and the whole point is to help kids feel connected to their parents when we have the nerve to leave them alone in the dark. If your kiddo is connected to a special stuffed animal, you can include it in the bedroom routine. And remember, loveys are special and important, so please don’t threaten to take them away for any reason. That’s what screen time is for. (HA!)

Don’t tell them they need to fall asleep. Honestly, folks, when was the last time that advice worked for you? Never. It never worked, so don’t dump it on your kids. Don’t remind them that they’re going to be too tired the next day if they don’t fall asleep; that’s going to make them even more stressed out. When your kids say they can’t fall asleep, tell them they don’t need to worry about it. Tell them that resting quietly in bed is almost as good as sleep, and all they need to do is relax and notice how good it feels to be cozy warm in bed.

Teach someone else to put them to sleep. I know, I know, I just got all up in your face about routine and being your kid’s rock at bedtime and here I am telling you to mix up that routine. Well, in case you hadn’t noticed, one of the super “fun” parts of parenting is that the opposite of most truths are also true, which makes it even harder to know what to do at any given point. YAY! The truth here is that every parent needs a break from bedtime, and if you’re not already getting one from a grandparent, au pair, or occasional babysitter, well, get on it if you can. (And it’s not just good for you; the more practice kids get at being flexible, well, the more flexible they’ll be. And that’s not nothing.)

Remember it will get better. Even if your kids never become great sleepers , eventually they’ll be able to get through the night without waking you up every 5 minutes. I promise. Hang in there.

What would you add to this list? What has made bedtime easier for you and your family?

Want more mindful parenting and updates on my forthcoming book, How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids? Sign up for my free newsletter here.