Category: Parenting

This weekend was a shitshow, y’all.

Saturday morning found me dropping off one kid (not my own) who had spent the night at our house and then picking up my daughter, who had spent the night at another friends’ house. We had a busy day planned; it was our last chance to find dresses, shoes, and anything else the girls would need for my cousin’s fancy wedding next weekend. My daughters are seven and nine, and delicate little flowers to boot (except then they’re digging their elbows into my boobs with the force of a WWF wrestler). This sensitivity can make clothes shopping particularly challenging, especially if said clothes might entail any sort of unfamiliar fabric, cut, or embellishment that could potentially brush against their skin at any point.

And don’t even get me started on the shoes.

I’ll spare you the goring (gory + boring) details of the day, but there was whining, snapping, bickering, door slamming, and multiple trips to Costco (don’t ask) for reasonably priced fancy dresses. We followed that up with forty-five minutes spent trying on and summarily rejecting approximately 387 pairs of size 2 dress shoes before settling on sneakers. SNEAKERS. Yes, they are fancy sneakers, but sneakers nonetheless. Sigh.

Oh, and not to bury the lede or anything, but I shut the car door on my daughter’s finger in the middle of a busy parking lot. She wailed, I found a band-aid, and ultimately she was fine, but I felt AWFUL. Really, really awful. Mindful parenting? Yeah. Right. I’d be lucky if I could make it through the day without physically injuring them.

We ended up having dinner at a terrible restaurant, but at least there were screens on every table so we could spend the meal continually rejecting the girls’ requests to pay $1.99 to play some stupid game. Bonus!

Sunday wasn’t a whole lot better. Nobody drowned or lost their sh*t at swim lessons, so that was good, and the Target Gods smiled upon us by having white camisoles and capri leggings in stock (thereby minimizing the amount of fancy dress fabric touching the girls’ skin). Even so, there was still a shocking amount of fighting, nagging, whining, and yelling, and by the end of the day, I was DONE. DONE DONE DONE. Truth be told, I was done before lunch, but we were out in public so I did some serious adulting and held it together.

Once the girls were finally in bed (which in itself was a fairly epic endeavor that did not showcase my finer parenting skills), I retreated to My Happy Place, also known as The Couch. I spent some time trying to understand why the weekend had been so rough, and what I could do differently in the future. Here’s what I realized:

I forgot to look at the big picture.

I got so caught up in the moment-to-moment frustrations and power struggles that I forgot to step back and consider what might else might be going on. I was so busy being annoyed at the girls for not eating their chicken or giving me attitude about cleaning their rooms that I didn’t even think about everything our family had done the past couple of weeks.

We had spent our February vacation visiting family out west, flying back the night before Crazy Hair Day at school, which was followed by Pajama Day, Insight Out and Backwards Day, Costume Day, Spirit Day, and Can Somebody Please Get Mommy a Xanax Day. It was all good stuff, but two straight weeks of unpredictable schedules, new experiences, and overly fun activities had completely depleted our entire family. I then thoughtlessly allowed them to end the week with spontaneous sleepovers, thereby essentially guaranteeing they wouldn’t get the sleep they needed.

Whoops.

Once I figured out the likely source of the weekend chaos, I thought about what I could do better the next time this happens (make no mistake about it, there will always be a next time). It all boils down to two simple, but not always easy, steps.

Step 1: Slow everything down. Waaaaay down. When I move slowly, I make it less likely that I will forget, lose, drop, or break things. I also feel less stressed, which means I’m less likely to snap at the girls. Besides, it’s not like I’m Jack Bauer in 24, racing to save the world. There’s just no reason for me to rush as often as I do, and each time I do, I risk missing the the big picture, or worse, such as slamming my daughter’s finger in the car door. Doh. Now, slowing down isn’t easy, especially when I’ve gotten in the habit of rushing even we’re not running late. I have a little mantra that helps me remember to slow down, courtesy of my favorite Zen Master (and in all honesty, the only one I’ve ever heard of), Thich Nhat Hanh. Smile, breathe, and go slowly. I remind myself to smile, breathe, and go slowly several times each day, so if you see me wandering around with a ridiculous grin on my face, now you know why.

Step 2: Calm everything down. Yes, I need to calm down in the moment, but it’s more than that. I’m talking about calming the entire family down in the aftermath of a Big Adventure or Major Change. Had I remembered this, I wouldn’t have let the girls go on those sleepovers, and I would have made sure we had extra home time this weekend, time for reading, snuggling, playing, or even watching a movie together. Truth be told, even quiet afternoons aren’t enough to avoid the meltdowns, but they’re easier to handle when we’re not trying to get somewhere or get something done.

It’s helpful to remember that just because we’re free to do something that doesn’t mean we should do that thing. I need to look not just at each particular block of time, but the days and weeks on either side. Have we just come through a particularly busy time, or are we heading into one? Do we already have a few late nights scheduled, or even just one? When that’s happening, it’s especially important to leave some downtime in the schedule.

And finally, no matter what, I have to remember to go easy on myself when I forget what I should remember, when I rush instead of slowing down, when I snap instead of breathing. Remembering to smile, breathe, and go slowly in the middle of a difficult parenting moment isn’t easy, but fortunately my kids will give me lots of opportunities to practice.

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In my last post, I wrote about why I started teaching my kids to meditate. In this post, I’ll share how I taught them, and what I did when they lost interest.

I want to start out by saying that I don’t think formal meditation is the best way to teach mindfulness to young children. Kids often do better with concrete, fun activities, especially when they can move their bodies. (I’ve shared over 100 different ways to teach mindfulness to children in my book, Ready, Set, Breathe: Practicing Mindfulness with Your Children for Fewer Meltdowns and a More Peaceful Family.)

Having said that, my girls (ages 7 & 9) wanted to meditate with me, so I decided to give it a shot. I meditate sitting on a cushion on the floor, and the girls each have a cushion as well. They brought their cushions in, and I taught them how to sit comfortably. I reminded them how to do a basic breathing meditation, and then we pulled out my smartphone and launched the Insight Timer app. I let them each choose a bell tone they preferred, one to start the meditation, and one to end it.

(I’ve shared the instructions I used with my daughters at the end of this post. Feel free to modify them and use them with your own kids!)

We set the timer for three minutes (start small, people!), got comfortable, and started the meditation. The girls sat perfectly still and breathed slowly and carefully the entire time.

HA! Just kidding! You didn’t really believe that, did you?

They fidgeted and whispered and huffed and rolled around. Each time I found myself distracted by their noise or movement, I noticed that distraction and then brought my attention back to my breath. When the final bell rang, we sat and listened to the fading sound until we could no longer hear it. I asked them if they had any questions or thoughts, and while they didn’t have any brilliant insights, they did note that they might want to meditate lying down next time. I didn’t reprimand them for being so fidgety, and I didn’t tell them they should do it better. I just thanked them for meditating with me, and that was it.

This little routine lasted for about three days, and then they both lost interest. I invited them to join me for a few more days, they refused, so I let it go. They know I still meditate, and they know they can join me any time, but I’m not pushing it.

Yes, of course I want them to meditate, but I also know from my experience as both a mother and a child that pushing your kids to do something can backfire. Bigtime. So I’m going to keep doing what I have been doing all along: practicing mindfulness, meditating, and sharing it with the girls through books, stories, and a variety of other games and activities.

When they’re ready to rejoin me, they will.

How to Sit in Meditation:

There are four basic body positions for practicing mindfulness meditation: sitting down, lying down, standing up, or walking. For beginning meditators, I generally suggest sitting down or lying down. If you want to sit, you can sit on a cushion or on a chair.

Whatever position you choose, you want to be comfortable and stable, otherwise it will be hard for you to get calm and focused. If you’re sitting on a cushion, make sure you have 3 body parts touching the floor: your tushy and both knees. If you can sit cross-legged on the cushion and you are flexible enough to have your knees on the ground (I can’t!), that’s great. If not, you can put another cushion or a folded blanket under each knee for support, or you can try the modified kneeling position described in #5 in this article. (That’s how I sit.)

From there, you want to sit up straight. You don’t have to sit up so hard that your back and neck hurt, but you don’t want to slouch either. When you keep your back straight, it sends a message to your mind and body that what you’re doing is important. 

You can keep your eyes open or closed. If you keep them open, find a spot on the floor in front of you and try to rest your eyes on it. That means you don’t have to stare hard at it, just let your eyes rest on it. You can rest your hands on your legs, or in your lap.

Basic Breathing Meditation (for Grownups and Kids):

Start by taking a couple of deep breaths. When you take those breaths, notice where you feel them most easily. Do you notice the air moving in and out of your nose? Do you feel it in your chest? Or do you notice your belly getting bigger and smaller? There’s no right or wrong answer here; what matters is that you find the place in your body where it’s easiest to feel your breath.

From there, let your breathing settle into your normal routine. You don’t need to force, hold, or lengthen your breath. Just breathe, and notice the feeling of your breath moving in and out of your body. When your mind wanders (as it will!), notice the wandering and then return to your breathing. Don’t stress when you find yourself thinking; that’s just your mind doing what it was made to do. The goal is not to stay perfectly focused on your breath, the goal is to notice your mind’s wanderings over and over again, and then choose to come back to your breath, over and over again.

You may want to start with shorter sessions, perhaps five minutes long. As I mentioned above, I use the Insight Timer app; it’s got several lovely bell tones to choose from and you can keep track of your meditation sessions with it. As you get more comfortable with the experience, you can lengthen the sessions.

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Teaching my girls to meditate wasn’t one of my resolutions for the new year. I’ve got a ton of tricks up my sleeve for practicing mindfulness with them; so many, in fact, that I wrote a book about it. But formal seated meditation can be hard for little ones, especially kiddos who are super twitchy after being stuck inside for a week because the temperature outside is approximately one bajillion degrees below zero.

But I’m still meditating, and I’m always looking for more support for my practice. (You can’t do this alone folks, none of us can.) So I signed up for Susan Piver’s 21 Day Meditation Challenge.* The first guided meditation landed in my email yesterday morning, and my kids wanted to try it with me. So, we tried it.

My older daughter (age 9) was interested in watching the introductory video, which she totally didn’t understand and so I explained to her as well as I could. By the time we actually sat down to meditate, she had ants in her pants, so she got up and walked away. My younger one (age 7) skipped the video, but she was able to sit with me for five minutes of breathing meditation. They both wanted to try again tomorrow, so I’m calling it a win.

In my next post, I’ll walk you through exactly how we meditated together (spoiler alert: it’s not hard at all, but there are a few tools and strategies that will make it easier). Right now I want to focus on why I’m teaching them to meditate.

• Meditation will help shape their brain (in a good way!). Researchers have found that meditation can strengthen the areas of our brains that help us solve problems, think creatively, manage our emotions, and connect with other people. In addition, when we sit and breathe in an intentional way, the part of our brain that makes us fight, flight, freeze, or freak out gets a little smaller and less reactive. Basically, a consistent meditation practice can lead to fewer meltdowns, which is pretty much the greatest thing ever.
• Meditation can teach my girls how to notice their thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. There are tons of different ways to meditate, but many of them involve noticing something about our internal experience (rather than getting caught up in it). The more we practice noticing, the more likely we will be to clue into what’s going on in our minds and bodies before the freak out happens. It’s the difference between your kiddo realizing she’s hungry and asking for a snack and flipping out all over the place because she didn’t realize how hangry she was until it was too late. I’ll take Option A, please.
• It teaches them that they don’t have to take their thoughts seriously. Just last night my daughter had a terrible nightmare, and she was having a hard time settling down. Rather than asking her about the details of her dream, I just reminded her that they aren’t real, they’re just thoughts. And then we practiced counting her breaths as a way to bring her awareness back to the present moment. It took a few minutes, because the thoughts that come from an exhausted brain can be pretty sticky, but eventually we got her calmed down and back to sleep. The more my kids meditate, the better they’ll get at noticing their thoughts and letting them go.
• They will practice, and get better at, paying attention – even in situations that are boring or hard. The ability to pay attention is a fundamental life skill, one that is becoming increasingly challenging in an age of screens and smartphones and notifications and social media and internet browsers with 27 open tabs. Fortunately, it’s also a skill that we can get better at through intentional practice. Meditating is like going to the gym for your brain, but without the risk of falling off the treadmill.
• Meditation teaches them how to calm themselves down in challenging moments. Most of us never even realize we’re breathing, which generally works out well for us. (Imagine if we had to remember to breathe all the time. YIKES!) But the ability to breathe intentionally is a powerful strategy for handling difficult moments; as I tell my daughters, it’s a quick, easy, and sneaky way to tell our bodies that everything is ok, and that they can calm down now.

I’m not sure how long our current meditation experiment will last, but I’m going to stick with my practice and share it with them as long as they’re interested. In my next post, I’ll walk you through every step of how we’re meditating together.

* Full disclosure: I’m not getting any kick-back or bonus from Susan Piver for this shout-out. I’m just a big fan of her teaching, and I want to share the good stuff with you all.

Want more mindful parenting and updates on my forthcoming book, How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids? Sign up for my free, not-at-all annoying newsletter. 

Today is Giving Tuesday, hot on the heels of Cyber Monday, Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, and Melt on The Couch Because You’re So Damn Tired Sunday.

Folks, we are officially in the holiday season. Yikes.

By now you’ve probably already read various posts about how to survive the holidays and make them more meaningful without getting sucked into the chaos. You also probably came across ideas such as gifting experiences rather than objects, remembering the reason for the season (which, despite what my kids will tell you, is not acquiring every Lego Friends set ever made)  and adopting an attitude of gratitude. Cheesy rhymes aside, this is all solid advice.

There’s just one problem with all of it: It’s hard to do.

It’s hard to be intentional and chill and super mindful during the holidays for a few different reasons:

• Very little about our popular culture supports you in doing anything other than buying all the crap all the time.
• You may have a history of getting sucked into the busyness of decorating and cooking and shopping and trying to make everyone else happy, all of which may have been exacerbated once you became a parent and wanted to make the holiday “perfect” for your kids.
• The holidays can be triggering because of loss, divorce, family tension, mental health concerns, financial stressors, or any number of other issues.
• You feel compelled to continue with old holiday traditions or rituals, even when they don’t work for you anymore.
• Your schedules and routines get disrupted by travel plans, guests, holiday events, and days off school.
• Things get so busy that you forget to take care of your basic needs (sleep, exercise, quiet time, etc), while holding yourself to even higher standards than you usually do.

This isn’t going to be another post reminding you to be breathe and go slowly (although that is excellent advice). Rather, I want to explore what you can to make easier to be intentional in how you spend your time, money, and energy during the holidays, rather than getting caught up in old habits or reactive behaviors.

• Take just a little time to figure out what really matters to you. There is no right answer here, other than what’s right for your family. Journaling can help, and if you have a parenting partner, discuss it with them. This is important because it’s hard to be mindful when you don’t know what you’re supposed to be mindful of.
• Check social media less often. This is important during this time of year for a very specific reason: the more time you spend staring at carefully curated and filtered images of beautifully decorated homes and perfectly iced gingerbread cookies and super meaningful religious experience and warm, loving family time, the more inadequate you will feel. I can remind you twenty-seven ways to Christmas that those images either aren’t real or aren’t the whole story, but your brain won’t remember that when you’re actually staring at them. So give yourself a break.
• Be flexible with your schedule, but honor the showstoppers. It’s ok for your daily routines to get a little wonky during the holidays because of your daughter’s Hanukkah performance at school or the annual family viewing of Elf. Your kids will likely eat more crap than they usually do, and that’s ok too. It’s part of what makes this time of year fun, so try not to stress about it. However, you would do well to honor the showstoppers in your family. I’m talking about the basic self-care that the each person in your family needs to keep functioning. I have one kid who has to get 11-12 hours of sleep each night or she gets sick. I have another one who gets super cranky if she doesn’t move her body. I get tired and irritable if I eat too much sugar. It’s different for everyone, and some folks are more flexible than others, but if you can figure out the showstoppers for each member of your family and do your best to honor them, the holiday will go more smoothly.
• Give yourself permission to change course. It’s ok to switch it up, to let go of old traditions and start new ones. It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to set limits. No, really, it is, and not just because some random lady on the internet says so. This is your life, and these are your holidays. How do you want to live them? If you’re not sure, go back to that conversation about your values. It will help.
• Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Whether you like it or not, sleep is a showstopper for everyone. Even if you think you can get by with six hours a night, you can’t. You just can’t. Everything about the holidays will be easier and more fun when you’re not sleep deprived, so do whatever it takes to get more sleep. Keep in mind that both alcohol and caffeine can screw up your sleep, so take it easy on the booze and coffee if sleep is a challenge for you.
• Connect with your peeps. Many of us spend time over the holidays with folks who we may love, but they aren’t our peeps. Our peeps are the friends we can be real and honest and hilarious with, and we know they’ll laugh at our crazy shit and share their insanities. You know you’re with your peeps because after you hang out with them, you feel better: more relaxed, less stressed, more empowered, less ashamed.
• Go easy on yourself. This can be a hard time of year for so many reasons. It’s ok to feel sad or disappointed or angry or confused. Do the best you can with what you have, take care of yourself, and remember that whatever you’re dealing with, you’re not alone.

Want more mindful parenting and updates on my forthcoming book, How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids? Sign up for my free, not-at-all annoying newsletter.