Tag: children

Thinking about homeschooling your child? These 20 insights from Hand in Hand Parenting Instructor Lara Zane shed light on making the decision and what it takes to get a good start.

When my son was nearly six, we pulled him out of the small, friendly local school where he’d been for the past two years, to homeschool him. It was, and remains, one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in my decade of parenting so far. 

And it was, and remains, one of the very best decisions I have made, both for him and for our family. This does NOT, however, mean that it has been an easy ride.

Taking that initial leap was pretty terrifying, triggered by a growing awareness that school was a poor fit for our son. But as I did my research, I became increasingly excited by the prospect that education could mean so much more than school. As my daughter approached school age a few years later we then felt that rather than a ‘last-ditch escape route’, home educating was now a proactive ‘best fit’ for our family, and we opted not to send her at all.

Four years into this journey we have all learnt a huge amount and the children are thriving. But it has gone nothing like I expected!

Here are some surprising things I’ve discovered on the way…

1. Homeschooling is all about relationship. If you have a good, deeply connected relationship with your child then you will be able to navigate the ups and downs of the journey together a LOT more easily. Investing time and effort in building that relationship will do more to improve your chances of a good homeschooling experience than anything else you can possibly do.  For us, discovering  Hand in Hand a year or so into our homeschool journey quite literally made it possible to survive and then thrive. There will be days where educating your children yourself will drive you insane and you’ll want to march them straight to the nearest school and pitch them over the wall, and other days when it will be utterly magical and you be so so glad you chose this path.  Putting relationship first leads to a lot more of the magic!

2. Support is critical. The more support you can build into your life, the easier things become. Getting out there and making friends with fellow homeschool parents who ‘get it’ is incredibly valuable – and if in-person is not possible right now then there are many super supportive groups online. Having people around you who can listen when things are hard makes a world of difference so if your existing friends and family welcome the idea then that is wonderful. Don’t despair if not – often people start out dubious and come round to it in time after seeing the children thrive. Some even become stalwart supporters of the whole idea and enjoy being able to spend time with the kids and share their own passions with eager learners. And don’t forget Listening Partnerships. They are a vital part of my support network – being able to offload it all to someone who will just listen, and remember that I am still a good parent, and my kid is still a good kid is like gold dust. If you don’t have one already, then set this up – you’ll be so glad you did.

3. You matter too! This point underscores everything else – it’s very easy, and very common at times as a homeschooling parent, to become overwhelmed by trying to be all things to your children and losing your sense of self in the process but it doesn’t have to be like this. In fact, hard as it is sometimes, it’s really important to look out for yourself too, the same way you do for them.  You are modelling to your children how to ‘live life’ so building in support to keep you going and projects that light you up shows your kids that adults can enjoy living and learning too. Who knows where absorbing that idea might take them? 

4. Deschooling really matters. Taking some time to step back from formal learning and focus on connection allows you all the opportunity to learn to trust yourselves and live together as a family in a way that you might never have done before. It really is different to experiences over brief holiday periods and takes time to adjust. Focus on building in regular predictable Special Time to deepen the connection with your child – it’s the foundation for everything. Big feelings may well bubble up to be heard as children realise that they are not returning to school, whether their experience there was positive or negative. By Staylistening through these feelings, and building in opportunities to Playlisten around them you help clear the way for more relaxed flexible learning later.

Get a free guide to Special Time here

5. Learning comes in many shapes and sizes. One of the many wonderful things about stepping out of the classroom is that you can truly personalise learning to your child. Want to take a deep dive into ancient history, outer space, or creating art or music? Whatever your child’s age or stage you can use their interests to cover all the key basics and so much more. Being flexible about what and how your children learn means that it’s possible to accommodate different aged siblings without having to work entirely separately with each though of course, they will all need individual attention that is relevant to their needs. 

6. However your child learns, whatever their challenges, home education can be awesome. Got a kid who needs to move constantly? One who excels in one area and/or struggles in another? Working with additional educational or sensory needs? These can all be accommodated at home in a way that is challenging for a single teacher in a full classroom to manage. Once you start observing how your children learn best you may be surprised by what you discover, not least that every child really is unique – even within a family, every child will probably have different preferred ways of learning. Being able to recognise and allow for that is such a gift to our kids.

7. Learning can be chaotic. School learning generally involves building small bits of knowledge into a cohesive whole. Real-life learning can be very different and might look utterly random and riddled with holes. And yet, children can learn really well that way, as anyone with a toddler who can name a dozen dinosaurs accurately but can’t yet talk in full sentences will know!

8. You do not need to ‘teach’ your child. Facilitating their learning is enough. Being there, delighting in them as much as you can and Staylistening to their struggles is a powerful part of their learning journey. And sometimes getting out of their way and letting them explore their interests is the most valuable thing you can do. Every home educator I know has at least one story that goes ‘I have no idea how they know so much about the Russian Revolution/Coding/classifying insects – they just seemed to pick it up’. You also don’t need to be the only person your children look to for support – other adults and children (and Google) will help them along, either formally if you set this up or informally in ways you never predicted. Remember, you helped them learn to walk and talk. You can help them learn algebra and grammar when the need arises.

9. You will panic! Many times over! And then along will come a magical moment that makes it all worthwhile. Take that panic to your Listening Partner and offload your own fears. You’ll then be able to decide how to move forward with more clarity and be more able to notice the learning that IS happening every day. Often you’ll despair that your children will ever learn something and then, when they are ready, they will learn faster and better than you thought possible – even the tricky stuff like reading or long division.

In a spin about your child’s learning and education? When you donate to Hand in Hand Parenting now, you’ll receive Raising Kids Who Love to Learn. The series is full of ideas about how to solve struggles around learning – no matter where that takes place for your child this year. Click here to learn more.

10. You can’t always predict what will grab them. You’ll come up with the best possible idea ever and your children will be utterly uninterested. And then the next day you’ll leave something random lying around and it will become a focus for some amazing unexpected learning. Giving your kids time and space to discover their own interests, and HOW to learn is a great way to set them up for lifelong learning.

11. You will try, try and try again. Most home educators try out multiple curricula/styles of learning/groups and activities etc before they find what works for them. You’ll overschedule and then under schedule as you find your feet. While it can be frustrating, this is an important part of figuring out this lifestyle and what works for your unique family and it takes time. And just when you find what does work for you, your kids will grow and it’ll all change again. I love the concept of tidal or seasonal learning – that it’s ok for different ‘seasons’ to look very different. Maybe a few weeks or months are filled with obviously academic learning followed by a period of lots of time in nature and sports activities and then another where it seems like ‘nothing is happening’. You can be sure that every season contains valuable learning and allows you to feel refreshed and renewed, ready for the next shift when it comes. Consistency is less important than we’re led to believe! 

12. Not all knowledge on the curriculum actually matters. Maybe your child becomes an expert on the Azteks but doesn’t know much about Ancient Rome. That’s just fine – there is more to life than can be found in a curriculum, and much in the curriculum that is not actually essential to successful adult life. It’s good to be flexible about what ‘counts’.

13. You do not need to keep ‘school hours’. Outside the constraints of the classroom, academic learning can happen much more quickly than in school – there’s no need to wait for 30 kids to sit down, line up, be quiet, etc. This means that even if you choose (or are required by your country or state) to do a certain amount of ‘desk work’ each day it won’t take a whole day to accomplish. This allows so much more free time for free play, being creative and even getting bored – all incredibly important and often squeezed out of busy schedules when so much of the day is taken up by school.

14. Learning happens everywhere and ‘everywhen’. From discussions in the supermarket about the nutritional breakdowns of different cereal brands (and from there to how the digestive system works and how to eat healthily), to the just-before-bedtime plea to do some maths questions it’s hard to stop children learning if they are allowed to discover their own interests. It’s hard to imagine if you have children who have been put off learning but kids really can love it if they are allowed space and time to re-engage their innate curiosity.

15. If in doubt, curl up and read a book together. Or let them draw, or play lego or do handstands while you read (or stick an audiobook or podcast on – it counts too and might just give you 10 mins to pee in peace!). SO much learning can happen this way, even on a duvet day when no-one changes out of pyjamas!

16. Home education does not happen just in a perfect ‘homeschool room’ or even at a messy kitchen table. The world is your classroom and free or low cost resources are so plentiful from the internet and libraries to museums and natural spaces that it can be hard to choose which to use.

17. Rhythm helps. Having at least a basic idea of when you build in key activities during your day and week is really useful, and you get to choose what that means. For us, Special Time, reading together and opportunities to play and do activities with other children form a structure for our days and weeks on which to hang everything else. Being willing to mix it up and change that rhythm for a spontaneous outing / learning opportunity / snow day is important too. 

18. You will be endlessly interrupted and have to adapt to living all of life with small people in tow. And you will realise that accompanying you through all of life, is actually a great way for your children to learn ‘how to do life’. From cooking and cleaning to filling the water tank in the car, fixing things or choosing insurance, having kids in tow will both slow you down, and speed up their ‘life learning’. Embracing the inconvenience as an opportunity can help you stay sane!

19. Kids seem to need endless meals and snacks!!! This shouldn’t be a surprise but whenever I ask other veteran homeschoolers what their experience is like it always comes up! And of course, if you want to use it, this gives great opportunities for learning about cooking, budgeting, planning, research, reading (recipes), maths (cooking together and shopping), healthy eating and so much more. You could even research food from different countries and cultures, or historical periods to make the constant food requests into a whole learning project. Or… you know… just point them at the apples or crackers! That’s ok too.

20. Socialisation (in a non-pandemic world) is not an issue. In normal times there are so many opportunities to socialise with people of all ages, and while that’s trickier with Covid restrictions there are still ways to keep up the social contact. We often think of schools as great places to socialise because children are surrounded by others of the same age but it’s helpful to consider that the eventual aim is to be able to relate well to others in adulthood. Being supported to build relationships with other children AND adults is a great way to manage that, while also providing the ‘common interest’ friendships that enhance our lives at every age. And if you have more than one child, the extra time spent together often results in siblings who are really close. All the homeschooled kids I know are comfortable holding conversations with kids and adults alike and adapt well to different situations. Particularly as they hit their tweens and teens homeschooled children often seem to have a robust sense of self that allows them to hold their own and be confident about making the decisions that are right for them rather than always bowing to peer pressure. Whatever the educational setting, your listening to them as they figure out who they really matters.

It’s good to remember that homeschooling is, essentially, just an extension of parenting. The same principles apply. Love your kids, delight in them, give them clear warm limits and plenty of opportunities to play and be listened to and you’ll find your way. Remember that no choice is final – you get to think consciously about what you want for your family and choose the path that works for you right now. Only you can make that decision and it does not have to be final. There are many ways to raise and educate kids well, the key, as always is your relationship and connectedness with them. All else flows from that.

Join us for a new video series and explore ways you can inspire and encourage your child’s curiosity and intelligence. Free when you donate $6 or more. Learn more.

Meet Hand in Hand Instructor Lara Zane

Lara Zane is a London-based, Certified Hand in Hand Instructor, mum to two children and a former teacher with a love of neuroscience. Lara’s areas of special interest and experience include working with children who are highly sensitive, spirited, intense, anxious or aggressive and those who show signs of giftedness/HLP, learning or sensory differences. Her next Starter Class begins in January 2021.

You can email Lara or find out more about her classes here: Email Lara. 

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Not using your parental leave is a “crying shame.” Here’s why dads don’t take full advantage of their paternal leaves—even though the benefits to mom, dad, and baby are so great.

Read on to learn why connection is key for keeping your family secure through Covid-19

Covid-19 has left most of us parents feeling emotionally taxed, mentally exhausted and depleted of physical energy, all for obvious reasons. 

With children out of school for the summer break, we may feel relieved that “homeschooling” is no longer the word of the day, now, however, we face a greater challenge: How to occupy our children’s time with so many social distancing restrictions around us.

Hurdle number one? We’re guessing it’s screens.

Yes, kids LOVE video games and screens of all kinds and each family will decide how much screen time is acceptable in their household. Also, we know that older children prefer to play with their friends and peers, online and offline.

Co-authors Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., and Gabor Mate, M.D., cite the Pediatrics journal ( 2011) in their book, Hold On to Your Kids, that states: “According to a recent poll, 22% of teenagers log on to their favorite social media site more than 10 times a day(…). 75% of teenagers now own cell phones (…), thus, a large part of this generation’s social and emotional development is occurring while on the internet and on cell phones.” 

The authors also draw attention to concerning statistics regarding internet pornography, cyber-bullying, and increasing dependency to video-gaming at an early age.

Of course, we know from scientific research that screens will never replace the parent-child connection that is fundamental to a child’s optimal brain development and life-long emotional wellbeing. 

The Education Training Research Associates (ETR), with funding from the Annie E. Casey Foundation, conducted a literature review on the effects of parents developing a secure connection with their children early in life. The final publication, Parent-Child Connectedness: Implications for Research, Interventions, and Positive Impacts on Adolescent Health (2004),  brings together findings from 600 research studies on the parent-child connection. ETR’s meta-study concludes that the parent-child connection is the “super-protective factor” against adverse outcomes in adolescence, such as drug abuse, teen pregnancy or violence, or dropping out of high-school.

These findings reinforce what humans always have known but seem to have forgotten: that the most vital need of any child’s development is the need for attachment and connection.

There is no greater gift a child can receive than the connection he or she feels with parents and primary caregivers. So, this summer, decide on your screentime, get those guidelines in place early, and then devote as much time connecting with your child.  

Seven Ways To Keep Connected Everyday

These seven tips and easy ideas will help you foster connection with your child every day, even in these most difficult moments of parenting:

Laugh with your child every day; don’t take yourself too seriously; find ways to solve problems through laughter. Joke, play rough and tumble games, be silly. If you find play hard, check out this list of 25 Ideas To Get To More Playful Parenting

Do whatever your child wants for at least 10 minutes a day totally uninterrupted and undistracted. Promise not to check your phone, not to worry about cooking, cleaning or work. Give this time a name, such as Special Time, Mommy or Daddy and Me Time, or Boss Time. Follow your child’s lead in whatever activity they choose.  

Listen to your child’s feelings with patience. If they express anger or have a need to throw a tantrum, cry or yell, say things like: “I’m sorry it’s hard,” “I’m right here.” I’ll be here for you for as long as you need to feel your feelings.” You can read the science behind this approach and how crying is emotionally healthy for children’s development.

Set limits and say “no” with warmth and love. Children need limits to grow strong and to feel safe in the world.  Be firm but kind. Do not use shame, guilt or humiliation to “make them listen to you”. You can use this approach to set kind, firm limits in five words or less. 

Help your child more with summer school if you are doing it, and chores. Say things like: “I will not do the work for you, but I will partner up with you.” Here are four ideas to try if your child resists doing chores. 

Be vulnerable and authentic with your child. Don’t be afraid to open up to your child and say things like, “I don’t know/ I need help/ I am not in a good place right now/ I need some time alone /I messed up/ I will come back to you in few minutes.“ Your child will see that in your house all feelings and emotions are valid and seen. 

Find ways to take care of yourself and keep your own emotional “tank” filled. Exchange listening time with other parents, take walks alone in nature, meditate, journal, dance, or talk to someone you trust if things feel too hard to handle. Parenting is hard and no one can do it alone. All parents need and deserve support.

Following these seven steps—or at least some of them—daily, will keep your family strong and secure through a summer with Covid-19 and beyond. We’d love to hear how they work for you. 

Hand in Hand Instructor Mihaela Plugarasu is the lucky mother of an 8-year old boy, a co-parent and a college professor in Miami, Florida and loves teaching about children’s emotions and how to parent them well. For more practical tools and ideas, catch up with Mihaela on her Parenting Made Conscious Facebook Page 

Download your free workbook today and get a breakdown on how to bust boredom, when to expect tears and upsets, and 16 ideas for rough and tumble play.

Does your tween or teen complain about school? Read on for advice about talking to the school and supporting your child from home.

“My teacher is so mean!!!”

One mother in our group Hand in Hand for Parents of Preteens and Older Kids had been hearing that a lot since her child returned to school.

“I have a 9-year-old daughter whose first day of 3rd grade was today and it appears we have “the mean teacher,” she said. “I’m thinking of going to see the principal, the teacher, and maybe trying to get her moved into another class. But what can I do if that doesn’t work? Only 179 more days to go. Ugh.”

Sound familiar?

It can be agonising trying to work out how to help our child through tough times with their teachers. In situations like this, we do need to be our children’s advocate. And we also need to keep our focus on building and repairing relationships – with the school and the teacher, and with our children.

Around issues to do with school, there are things we can, and things we cannot control.

However, the place we have real power and influence is in our relationship with our children.

Being your child’s advocate.

Schools do their best, but in general, they aren’t places that are organised to meet our children’s individual needs. They are understaffed—in some cases, the adult-child ratios leave a lot to be desired.

Teachers are stretched with emotionally demanding work and it is not work that is well-valued by society, at least if pay scales are anything to go by.

As a culture, we also expect an enormous amount of schools—adjusting with the times, preparing our children for the future, teaching basic curriculum, but also imparting values and reinforcing behaviours.

The popular media is quick to find fault with teachers when things go wrong, without looking to deeper explanations about resources and support.

In the midst of this, your child’s particular needs may well be overlooked. You are the expert on how school affects them, and what they need to feel safe and confident, and sometimes you do need to stand up for them or help teachers understand some of the extra challenges your child might be facing.

Brings up lots of feelings…

I’ve never regretted going to see my child’s teachers about issues of concern.

And I ALWAYS needed to take Listening Time beforehand.

Firstly, I used the time to work “off” my feelings of panic, irritation and anger so that these didn’t overtake my conversation with teachers. I would be able to connect with them and see things from their perspective.

Secondly, I  worked off my feelings of being overwhelmed, inadequate and over-protective of my child.

I’ve never been to see a teacher without feelings of dread and anxiety the night before, and generally feeling I’m making an unnecessary fuss.

That’s despite the fact that those feelings have never proven to have any basis in reality: It’s always been a good thing to go see the teacher.

I’ve not got to the bottom of where these awful feelings come from. My best guess is that it is from years of being disrespected, humiliated and treated harshly at school.

Most of us spent many many years at school. Some may have been OK, but much of it was likely hard. Many of us couldn’t get out of school fast enough and until we had children, we didn’t go back. Having children at school forces us into an environment where we will be reminded of those long years.

You can read about what happened when my daughter started school, but I’ve found regular Listening Partnerships have been essential to keeping a good perspective on my own and my child’s “school challenges.”

What can you really influence?

• We can do our best to find the right school,
• We can build relationships with the teachers,
• We can advocate for our children when necessary.
• Sometimes we can change the situation – perhaps have our children moved into a different class.  But it’s unpredictable whether these things will be possible, or make a difference. 

The thing we do have control over is the strength of our relationship with our children.

As a parent, you can be confident that the caring you show, the connection you build, and the listening you do will give your child the support and build the resilience they need in order to survive whatever school, or anything else, serves up.  Because parenting is so undervalued and under-resourced, it is easy to forget that we are the most important thing to our children. We are the one they leave in the morning to go out into the world, and we are the one they come home to.

It’s also true that most of us did not grow up surrounded by the support we needed when we were young. 

Our parents did their best, but they often lacked good information, resources and support.  So when our “parent brain” goes back to find out what we know about getting enough support, it comes up with not-very-much. 

We have no personal experience, from when we were young, to draw on which would help us understand what a difference we make to our children.  Even when we don’t do it perfectly! 

We chronically underestimate and underrate the hard work we do as we offer our children emotional support, day in and day out and we have no picture of what a difference we make because no-one did it for us.

Connecting with Teens

What does this support look like as our children grow older?  What does a focus on connection and listening look like with pre-teens and teens? With younger kids, we may be able to do Special Time before school, or when they get home. This will help to fill their “emotional backpack” with connection before they launch into the day.

For various reasons, this doesn’t always seem to work so well with older kids. Instead (or as well) we need to notice points of connection and be prepared to put down our own agenda and go with their initiative. My friend says, “I pack her lunch. I didn’t realise how important this was between us until recently. I mean, she’s 14 now – she should be making her own lunch, shouldn’t she? I get up early, though, and pack it for her. One day it came home practically uneaten. I was cranky and grumped at her and told her she could just buy it at the canteen from now on. And she got really, surprisingly upset. “You’re my mum. Your job is to make my lunch. I want you to make my lunch,” she said, and I realised that lunch was a little point of connection between us through the day. When she opened her lunch she was reminded I loved her.”

Another father told me that the drive to school is something he has kept in their routine, even though his son could catch the bus to school.

He says that sometimes they just ‘be together’ in the drive, in companionable silence.

In general, he lets his son choose the music, and they’ll share that together. Often, his son will tell him all sorts of details about what musicians he likes, and why. In between, he’ll ask a question or ask his dad what he thinks about various things. The father says, too, that, “this is also a time when, very occasionally…I don’t want to “take over” that time with my own agendas…I can raise an issue we need to talk about. It seems to be a good, neutral time for us to raise things with one another.”

Another mum told me, “With my teen, I sit around in his room at bedtime, even though I’d dearly love to retreat into my book at the end of the day. We communicate a lot, but this time of day he seems particularly open. Maybe it’s because things have had a chance to settle, the busy early evening of dinner and homework is over, and we have already reconnected a little through the evening, and things between us are “warmed up”. He chats, tells me about his day, asks what I think about things. When relatives regularly come to stay, I will even engineer that it is “necessary” for me to sleep on the camp bed in his room, and that allows some extra together-time. I wrestle when he invites me—again usually at bedtime…grr.”

What points of connection do you share? When does your teen seem most open? Make use of it whenever you can. 

Listening to upsets

As well as packing their bag with connection, we can unpack their backpack at the end of the day. We can listen to them, their stories, their interests, and their wonderings.

And listen, also, to their righteous indignation, their stomping and slamming-door tantrums!

It can be easy to take offence at the loudness, the heatedness of it all.  Often they will make it all into our fault. Whatever we offer, it is “wrong.”

It’s important not to take all this personally.  They’ve been hanging on to a lot through the day.  Our un-troubled listening will make a difference to them (even if it needs to be from the other side of the door, and, as one of my friends says, “If at all humanly possible, saying nothing.”).

We can do this knowing that they are recovering their resources, repairing hurt feelings, and building their reserves so that they can go back to school tomorrow to “fight another day.”

I forget this so easily. My daughter will get in the car after school, talking indignantly about something that has happened in the day, some unfairness, injustice, or social trouble. So often, I feel pulled to start exploring how we can fix the problem, with advice about who else she could sit with at lunchtime, or an offer to go see the teacher.

But if I hold my tongue, often by the time she gets home, she’s downloaded enough about the difficulty that she can cheerfully move on to the next thing.

Sometimes, their tantrums and upsets hold another opportunity.

Think about homework upsets, which are so common.

For one parent I know, these often open the door to bigger issues. “Sometimes, my son, who is 13, will get down to homework easily. But sometimes, I need to nudge him a bit about it. If he’s been putting it off, more often than not, when I suggest he begin or encourage him to organise himself better, it’s an opportunity for him to have a big upset. He tells me I’m being mean and unreasonable. I tell him back that I’m sorry that there’s so much homework, and if I know he’s approaching it in an organised way, I’m happy to talk to the school about it. But I hold the limit that he needs to do it, or we won’t be able to tell. He’ll stomp around a bit, and then either get down to it or start a more serious “vent” about the day. Then, out come all the things he has been holding in—how someone was mean, how some teacher was unjust and not fair. It’s as if the requirement to get down to homework is a chance for him to have a general mental cleanup! Afterwards, he can usually get on with the assignment with reasonably good cheer.”

The mother who asked what she could do when her daughter complained the teacher was mean has been listening well. She told me recently, “She still doesn’t like the teacher but I am doing a lot of Staylistening when she feels the teacher has been mean or unfair, and that is helping.”

Get Support for Yourself – You Are That Important

To do this, we need our own Listeners. I’ve needed my Listening Partnerships to download how hard it is not to take things personally, or how tedious or boring I find all the details. I notice too that my capacity to pay attention to my child is directly proportional to how much of my own Listening Time I am getting.  And I do better when I’m in a Support Call or Hand in Hand group of other parents where we share our stories and get Listening Time. It’s easier to see that it is not “all my fault” or “all my child’s fault”, but part of the process of parenting.

Power to the Parents!

So, go wonderful parents! Power to you! Make friends with your children’s teachers, take up issues with them, but most important of all, understand the very special, vital role you play in building your child’s capacity to withstand the pressures school places on them.

Make the most of their upsets, knowing these provide the “emotional unpacking” they need, and you are just the right person for them to do it with.

Madeleine Winter is a Parent Coach and Hand in Hand Consultant based in Sydney, Australia.  She’s been working with parents using Hand in Hand for over 30 years. Find out more about her groups, talks and other offerings here.

In Japan and South Korea women openly reject marriage, broadcasting their pledge to a “live-alone life.” Would you have a wedding celebration without a groom?

I am writing this in the wake of the death of George Floyd and the heartening reaction globally of people taking a stand against these tragic losses of black lives.

It is an eye-opening time for many, a humbling time for many others and also a call to action.

This subject is dear to my heart as I was a child born in Apartheid South Africa. I was brought to Australia just 12 weeks later because my existence as a child born to an Australian father and Xhosa mother was not legally recognised there at the time.

My parents decided that Australia was a slightly better place to raise a child.

I am lucky enough to have mostly experienced covert rather than overt racism but it still kept me very small for a long time. I didn’t dare draw attention to myself and the colour of my skin for fear of making it worse.

Leaning into empathy as a parent, I became more vocal in speaking out against injustice towards children, parents and persecuted groups but I would still somewhat shy away from race where I could.

So while this time in history has made me slightly more vocal, it still feels hard to write about.

Race is an uncomfortable topic for a lot of people but it is an important one.

Most parents believe their children will just inherit their values. A lot of us believe children just don’t see differences because children are inherently good and prejudice is bad.

But children need good information too.

It is our job as parents to be intentional about breaking the bonds that oppress people.

This means we need to talk about differences early and often.

We need to make sure our bookshelves, television and media, and the outings we go on as families, represent the wide world.

If our children ask us about current events, we need to sit down and have open and age-appropriate conversations. And we need to acknowledge that having a choice about whether or not to have these conversations is a privilege.

Bringing Race to the Table: Getting Started

These topics can be hard and our biggest enemy in all this will be shame. Shame will turn our good, clear, thinking into defensive responses and behaviour. Or we might respond by shutting down, or deciding it’s too painful to do anything at all. So I think the first thing we need to do is to get lots of listening time through a good Listening Partnership.

Where to begin? For people of colour, Listening Time can be spent:

• Unpacking our earliest memories of racism

• We may need to rage about the people who uphold the system, and what it has done to us and those we love

• We may mourn the loss of a childhood we deserved but didn’t get

For people who identify as white or otherwise privileged::

• Unpacking your memories of your family’s positions and feelings about race

• Noticing and shedding feelings about the first time you knew racism was wrong

• Shedding feelings about racially charged things you regret having said or done in the past

If you feel resistant to discussing race and privilege with your children, a few listening exchanges on this topic will make a big difference.

Using Hand in Hand Tools as you Help Your Children with Issues of
Race and Privilege

For those with children of colour you might expect there to be a lot of Staylistening, especially as you have more intentional conversations about race. Those tears will be very fortifying.

As you listen to your hurt and crying child, your caring can heal the hurt.
Your caring clears away the emotional damage. You support them to grieve the hard moment, and they become free to feel confident again.

Because power imbalance is central when it comes to race, rights and injustice, it’s also good to add in some power-reversal Playlistening to the mix. We can use this type of play to restore some of that lost power.

Family pillow fights where the children always win are a good place to start. Follow the giggles whenever you hear them.

For families identifying as white or otherwise privileged, play can also be a great tool to demonstrate and explore racial inequality.

This Is How I Used Play With Kids To Highlight Race

There was an incident of exclusion at my child’s school. There are not many people of colour in this area so really it’s unsurprising that children are confused by what is different. (Hence why we need to be deliberate about filling their world with examples).

I went into the class of 7- and 8-year-old children and I started with a game where we had to find three other people with the same colour hair, then four other people around the same height, and two other people with the same colour eyes. The children darted towards those they identified.

Then I said “Find three other people who are as kind as you are!”

They were less quick to scurry then so I told them to sit down and close their eyes.

I said, “Put your hands up if you are fast at running!”

Hands shot up. I asked them various different questions.

“Hands up if you think you are funny,”

“Hands up if you thinking having green eyes makes you faster at running,”

“Hands up if having brown hair makes you funnier.”

Then I invited them to open their eyes as I animatedly started to admonish myself for having forgotten to ask them the most important question of all, which was “Can you see me?”

Of course, they said they could, although I checked a few times more!

I explained then why my skin colour was different from most of theirs and then I told them how, because of that, when I was born, my parents were told I didn’t exist. I said, “They didn’t ask if I was fast or funny or kind, they just took one look at me and said I couldn’t exist!”

We all lamented that this seemed a very silly idea!

Then we read Sulwe by Lupita Nyong’o, which is an exploration of skin colour and learning to love it, and we talked about what we can’t see that makes people beautiful. We finished with a dance – a great way to shake off any heaviness.

This felt like a really wonderful and age-appropriate way to discuss these things and the children and I had a really great time with it.

We are lucky we live in a world with such great resources at our fingertips to help us have these essential conversations with our children. I encourage you to find resources that resonate with you.

When we bring these issues to our children, they are more able to have these conversations with their peers and hopefully also stand up and speak up as they become empowered.

The wonderful thing about Hand in Hand and Parenting By Connection is that it is rooted in empathy and when you have empathy you have a strong desire to fight for what is right and good. I believe that you, good parent, believe in equality and in passing on this value to your children.

This is important work that needs to be done and I thank you from my family to yours for doing it.

I also want to honour, acknowledge and hold in deep tenderness those who do not have any of these choices. I recognise the privilege that comes in seeking out how to do this work instead of just having to live in the pain of these realities.

I hope this collective awakening continues and that it results in the changing of many hearts and minds.

Black Lives Matter and they always have.

By Chantal Harrison aka Aunty Ask, a Hand in Hand Parenting Instructor and parent educator based in Australia.

Read It’s Time to End Racism, Build Safer Communities and Help Each Other Heal to find out how Hand in Hand is working to increase diversity and support issues of race.

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