Tag: children

What parents need to know about children’s make-believe pals and the many roles they play.

The post Raising Anti-Racist Children – A Holistic Approach (with Kristen Coggins) appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

The difference in mothers’ and fathers’ well-being and happiness exists from babyhood into adolescence. Here’s why and in what ways.

A stressed parent’s email prompted Janet to offer a phone consultation to address some of the common issues facing many parents who are now working at home. This mom says in her email that she has tried (and failed) to provide structure to the day to include uninterrupted one-on-one time with each child, periods where both she and her husband can concentrate on their work, and attempts at self-care. But it hasn’t worked. She also feels envious of parents who say that they are enjoying or even savoring this time at home with their kids, because “between working, caring for the kids, feeding my family, keeping the house, and managing our anxiety… my husband and I have never felt busier.”

Transcript of “How Self-Care and Boundaries Work Together”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I’m responding to an email from a very stressed parent. Like so many parents, both she and her husband have been working at home for the past few months in very tight quarters, while caring for their two children. They have a 20-month-old and a four-year-old. And she’s desperate to establish some comfortable rhythm in her day for focused one-on-one time with her children for work and for self-care. But she’s finding that impossible. And she’s envious of parents who say they have lots of time on their hands these days to be present for their kids.

There was a lot of frustration and emotion in this parent’s email. So I thought we should speak. And the interesting thing is, and this is very common with countless parents I’ve consulted with, by verbalizing her situation and airing out some of her fears and her frustrations, she actually answered a lot of her own questions.

We’re all doing our best. And of course we want to feel confident in the decisions we make for our children so we can feel good about ourselves. We deserve that. So I hope you’ll find our conversation relatable and hopefully useful in your own life.

Janet Lansbury: Hi, how are you?

Parent:  Hi, Janet. I’m good. How are you?

Janet Lansbury:  I’m doing well. So I received your note, and it sounds like you have some questions. Usually when I do consultations, I can look and I feel that I’ll have an answer to everything that’s asked. But in your case, and in the case with a lot of notes I’ve received recently where they’re asking about how to make work happen, and taking care of children happen, and play happen, and all these elements in this difficult time that we’re in, I don’t have all the answers. So I’m starting off realizing that there will be things I probably won’t be able to help you with, but I’m going to do my best. And I want to find out where I may be able to make things easier for you or make things work better.

Parent:  I’m trying to think of where to begin. The stresses and challenges are what a lot of people are doing right now, working at home. Suddenly working at home, if we haven’t been before. If we’re lucky, right? To be able to work at home. And then having small children. Mine are one, I guess she’s 20, almost 21 months. And four, he turned four in February.

I think it’s a ridiculous demand, actually, that’s being made on us in the time of COVID to have to work at home with small children. I’m trying not to have outsized expectations for myself, but it is really challenging. And I guess I’m trying to think of what the main challenge is because it’s a lot.

Janet Lansbury:  Good. I was going to ask you to start with what feels the most important right now, or what feels the hardest.

Parent:  I think what feels hardest is trying to prioritize time for myself. Being able to figure out when in the day I might be able to exercise, do something for myself. Something that isn’t related to the children or household tasks. I think I get frustrated when I can’t find that time or when I can’t prioritize that. And that leads to me maybe struggling with my kids more than I would otherwise.

Janet Lansbury:  Yeah. So it’s really, really important — that oxygen mask that we have to put on ourselves first. I know you’ve heard that expression. It’s got to be a priority. Maybe not every single day, but a few times a week. Let’s see if we can figure out a way for you to fit that in.

Parent:  That would be great to figure out how to fit that in.

Janet Lansbury:  So you had a lot of questions about developing a routine that works for everybody. And it sounds like you have a partner or a husband, right?

Parent:  Yeah. Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Janet Lansbury:  So that’s good, at least, that you have someone to share these duties with. Is it possible for you to stagger your work commitments during the day? Or how do you do it with caring for the children? Do you have help?

Parent:  No, we don’t have help. I don’t know that we will for the foreseeable future because we live in a place with a high infection rate. So I’m reluctant to bring anyone into the home as things are.

So my older child who’s four was in preschool. He was in a lot of full time care. Since he was about seven and a half months, he was always in a program where he was in care from 9:00 to 6:00 even, or 5:00. And my younger child also has been in that kind of daycare from around the same time, around seven months.

So my children are used to leaving the house in the morning, and have done well in those environments. That’s allowed us to work all this time. We both have pretty demanding jobs. With flexibility, even with flexibility, it’s still just feels like tremendous pressure to keep my kids healthy and occupied during the day, and attend meetings.

Also I think really what one of the hardest things I’m finding in my work life, as it relates to my kids, is to find a chunk or chunks of time that I can really write, which is part of my work. So being able to do sustained work beyond phone calls also is really hard.

So I’m finding that I do put my older son in front of the television while my daughter’s napping. By 1:30 or 2:00, that’s what’s going on. So that does feel like something I wouldn’t have done in the past. I didn’t use the television or screens in that way, but I am now because we just need some chunk of time where we can peel off in that way.

Sorry, you asked if my husband and I switched off. And we’re trying to do that now, but it’s quite hard because our schedules aren’t regular and we don’t know what our days are always going to be like. So having a rhythm to the day is hard when every day is different with work.

Janet Lansbury:  So both of your schedules are just up in the air like that? You can’t count on certain times that you will need to be on, and when you could take a break?

Parent:  We do have certain times of the week when we can do that. So there are certain sort of beats in the week that we can structure the week around. But it’s hard to feel like there’s a rhythm. I want something that feels like nurturing to my kids and nurturing to me in some way. And doesn’t just feel like we’re paddling upstream, I guess.

Janet Lansbury:  Well, the main way to know that you’re getting those nurturing moments in is to use caregiving times. I’m sure you’ve maybe heard me talk about this. As connection points, where you are 100% available. What we can get caught up in sometimes is we’re always sort of half there when we’re there with our children. During breakfast, we’re doing something while they’re eating. Or we have our phone there. Always able to be interrupted at any moment. I would absolutely recommend that breakfast time is clear. Your phone is nowhere in sight, nothing can interrupt you for those few minutes. And you’re just there, available to one or both of your children, if they’re both up and eating at the same time.

And then there will be times that maybe you’re just with your son, or you’re just with your toddler — helping her get up from her nap or helping him get ready for bed at night. Maybe there are other things that he does, part of a bedtime routine. So really protecting those times. They don’t have to be long periods. It could be 10 minutes here and 20 minutes there, but that there’s at least one or two of those throughout the day where you know and your child knows that you’re all in. You’re all there. Nothing can interrupt. They are the most important thing right then. Do you do that?

Parent:  Yeah, I mean I do think you’ve helped me do that. That’s important to me and my partner. My husband is actually the one that does breakfast more than me, because I’m actually still nursing my little one. Which is the source of some ambivalence at this point. So I ended up kind of nursing her in the morning and getting tired from that. And then he usually gives them breakfast while I kind of am in bed a little bit longer.

And I think that’s some of where he and I are both struggling is our schedule as adults is not great. We’re not going to bed early enough. And I think that’s in part because we so want that alone time or together time, or more work time, or zoning out time that we don’t get at any other point.

So I feel like we’re going to bed too late. And then we’re very tired in the morning. I’m kind of a zombie after I nurse. So I think some of that quality time, or even time that maybe I could take for myself, if I could go for a run in the morning. That’s very ambitious perhaps. But I think our bad scheduling, kind of not being adult about going to bed early, is kind of setting a whole cascade of problems in a way. But it’s hard. I find it really hard to just go to sleep right after my kids go to sleep, and they’re going to bed too late too.

Janet Lansbury:  Oh.

Parent:  Yeah.

Janet Lansbury:  Well that you can change. And you can also change… I mean, running in the morning is ambitious, but it’s doable. You have to prioritize that and then have your husband cover and take that time. Maybe not every day, but certain days. But yeah, them getting to bed earlier. Okay, there’s something that maybe I can help with. What’s keeping them up so late?

Parent:  I think it’s a routine that we got in when we were working. When we were picking them up at daycare and then getting home at, we wouldn’t get home until, sometimes I would get home after six. And then we want time with them and they want time with us. So I think we got in the habit because of that. And my son tends to try to push bedtime. They will often both go to sleep only at 9:00. They’re asleep at 9:00.

Janet Lansbury:  Wow.

Parent:  Yeah. And that’s really, really late for me.

Janet Lansbury:  That’s really late. Especially for the baby. That’s really, really late.

Parent:  Yeah. She kind of wants to go to bed with her brother. They sleep in the same room at home. So I feel like we’re stuck.

Janet Lansbury:  Well you can look at studies and see that all sleep experts recommend a much earlier bedtime for the health of your children. And it seems like now that you’re not going to work and picking them up so late and getting home, that this is the perfect time for you to change that. Just having dinner earlier, doing it all earlier, and pushing it all earlier.

Parent:  Yeah. Any other directives on that? I mean, that’s what I’ve been trying to do.

Janet Lansbury:  Well… conviction. That’s what we have to do. Deciding, between the two of you, that this matters. And it’s going to help a lot of other things fall into place that you both want, which is a little bit of time to yourselves at the end of the day. You maybe getting up earlier and getting to go jog. Really important things can happen if you make this change. So whatever it takes for the two of you, what your children need is for you to have conviction. That’s ground zero for them to be able to make any kind of change. If you’re just going to do it if it works for them and if they complain, you’re going to back off, then it’s not going to work for them. And it’s almost not fair to them.

But if you two decide, “We’ve got this opportunity right now, we’re going to do this. We can do this, and it’s important for everybody’s health and wellbeing,” then you’re there. And the next part is deciding the steps and how to do everything a little earlier. Then allowing the complaints and the: “No! I want to do it this way!” And “I want to do it that way.”

I would decide what your tasks are each going to be at bedtime, and be clear about that and let your children know: “This is what we’re doing. And after we do this, we’re going to do that.” And give them that ease-in where you’re letting them know, not in a warning tone. “Okayyy. After we do this, we got to go to bed now.” But, “After we do this, then we’re going to do that — get your PJs on — and then I’m going to be with your sister, and dad’s going to be with you,” or whatever it is.

So you’re laying it out. Just the facts, not like come on or any kind of warning or emotional overtones in this. Just the facts. “This is what we’re doing. And we want you to know.” And I believe in adding into the routine. “And then if you want to yell that you don’t want to go to bed now, that’s okay. You can do that too. We’re still going to be done though.”

Parent:  Yeah.

Janet Lansbury:  “And then daddy and I are going to go do this.” And then closing the door and saying, “Goodnight, I love you. Can’t wait to see you in the morning.”

And then they say, “Now I need this and now I need that.”

“Oh shoot, you need that. I can’t wait to do that with you in the morning. We’ll go get lots of water and lots of hugs, and I’ll lie with you and snuggle. But we’re not doing it now.” Everything has a period at the end of it. And that’s the conviction.

With your 20-month-old, you could still really set the limit. But with your four-year-old, he can pop out or do whatever. But you two have to be still clocked out. So it’s not going to get a rise out of you or anything. You’re just going to be, “All right, go back in. Because we’re doing this.”

Having that conviction that you’re done and you don’t have to make this happen for them. Sleep is something they have to do. You have to decide what you’re going to do and when you’re done.

So really that’s what it takes. These other things are just details, but it takes you deciding that this is the best thing you could do for your children. The most loving thing you could do. So you don’t have to take that advice, but-

Parent:  No, it’s exactly what I want. For me as a mom, I think it’s one of the things that I’m struggling with the most is how to set these clear boundaries. How to be this strong leader, how to have that confidence. And I think when you’re in this crazy environment where you’re in each other’s space all the time, there’s no break from this. It really leaves a lot of this stuff bare. So I think the boundary issues are really coming up.

And I notice that with my kids, I’ll be like, “You can’t do that now. Sorry.” I’m apologizing to them all the time. And it’s so undermining. It’s a lack of confidence and a lack of conviction. As you talked about that, I need to explore in a deeper way perhaps. And also just work on, I guess, talking the talk. Like I’m trying not to say sorry as much.

Janet Lansbury:  That’s wonderful awareness. And yes, absolutely going into that with yourself. What am I afraid of? Do I really feel I’m doing something wrong? If my children are upset, is that something wrong? Or is that something right that’s a great opportunity for them to get a lot of stress out of their bodies or share what’s inside them. Am I afraid of that? Do I need their permission?

I want to hear what the other boundaries are, because all of these things work together too. I mean, I can talk about sleep. But sleep boundaries don’t happen in a vacuum. It’s all about the whole day and the way that you relate to them and, again, how comfortable you are in your role as their loving leader that is able to look out for them.

You and your husband are able to see that getting to bed earlier is better for their health in the long run. They’re not able to see that. They’re stuck in: but I want to stay up a little longer, a little longer. Which of course we ourselves want to do too, right? We know it’s better for us to go to bed earlier, but we stay up. I do the same thing. I don’t have the same responsibilities you have, but I stay up too late. And every night I say: Tonight I’ll go to bed a little earlier, and I don’t.

But for your children, you can do that for them, you could give that to them. Because they need you to be the one to do it. And it can bring out these strengths in us that maybe we didn’t even know we had — Mother Bear or Father Bear, or whatever you want to call it. That conviction. And what’s best for our children isn’t, again, what makes them smile and say thank you in the moment a lot of the time. But they still know that it comes from love. They do know that. With the long view on it that I have, I’ll tell you. And even with all the children I’ve worked with, when I tend to do the hard thing sometimes that maybe their parents needed help with — doing with boundaries, having them be upset and melt down on me and all that stuff. I see the gratitude in them after. I see the relief.

Parent:  Yeah.

Janet Lansbury:  So when you say that you’re ambivalent about breastfeeding, I’m putting myself in your daughter’s shoes going: okay, this is a mixed experience for me doing this breastfeeding, which is very intimate on one hand. But I’m feeling this vibe of she’s really not all into this.

Parent:  Yeah.

Janet Lansbury:  And that could be when we’re playing with our child and we don’t want to be there, and we feel like we have to. All of those things. But children deserve that clarity. It’s better for them to not get a mixed message. Just like you would rather your partner not give you a mixed message or your friends not give you a mixed message, right?

Parent:  Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Janet Lansbury:  So what are you afraid of about? And I’m not saying the answer is to end that experience. But if you’re ambivalent, why are you doing it?

Parent:  Well, I was in the middle of weaning or trying to sort of push to wean, at least make it more minimal, around the time that the COVID crisis started. And I actually went on a work trip one week before things really got bad in New York. So I’d been away from her and she did fine, and I was fine. So we were at a point of really kind of tapering off a bit. But then, because there’s a pandemic, we were in a small apartment in New York where we barely ever went outside, so it’s hard to set physical boundaries. I found it hard to set more physical boundaries with my children in a very small space.

Janet Lansbury:  But that’s when you need to. That’s when they need you to most. That’s when you need to for yourself. Suddenly, you’re just a victim in your own home? Everybody could do whatever they want? What does that even mean?

Parent:  I think that’s right. I think there are two ways that this has come up for me. So certainly with the breastfeeding, my daughter started to just ramp up asking, sort of all the time, almost like she was an infant, a very small baby. And I did put the brakes on that. I mean, I did. I have. I’m comfortable with mornings and evenings, but I don’t want to be doing it during the day. And it wasn’t interfering with my work and making me really tired. So I have been able to set those boundaries, but it still feels like there’s before her nap, and she’ll ask after her nap. And I kind of don’t really want to do much of that anymore.

So it’s the frequency, I’m not committed to weaning clearly. And I enjoy the connection still. But as you said, I really want to be clear and I want to set the boundaries and be clear on what I want and can tolerate at this point.

Janet Lansbury:  It’s so much better for her. She doesn’t have to be stuck asking all the time if you’re really clear. And when she asks before the nap and after the nap, if you say, “You’re asking, we’re going to do it later. That’s when we do it, at nighttime.” Or whatever those times are that you decide that you can be totally great with it. But if there’s even the I feel guilty saying no, and she’s asking me, and your heart sinks a little, children pick that up. She sounds like a very tuned in girl. And you’re not going to get away with trying to pretend. You really have to see it as you’re keeping her stuck in asking if you’re not clear.

Again that conviction, it frees children. They don’t have to get stuck. And that’s going to be the same with TV. I don’t know if your son is fine with the hour that you give him or whatever it is.

Parent:  It’s more than an hour now, Janet. I mean the challenge of working at home of creating real chunks of time. I am using it for sure, in a way that I never have before. And I want to give my husband that stretch too. It’s like this chunk. So I don’t know. I’m not really sure. I think I either need to own that, or say it’s just going to be an hour. But then I don’t know what he’s going to do. Because that’s also what I wanted to ask you in terms of the day. We do try to create blocks of time when they can just be really playing in a yes space, in a place that’s safe for them. But if we’re there, then they’re going to try to engage us. So I guess I’m wondering how to create these bigger blocks of time when we can work. It’s really hard without the television.

Janet Lansbury:  Yes, I understand. So what matters is clear on it for yourself. Making peace with your decisions, whatever they are, so you’re not ambivalent. Because when you talk about self-care, that’s one of the meanest things we can do to ourselves. To go around our whole day feeling: I feel bad that I’m letting him watch TV, but I need to do this. It’s like, you’re never happy with what’s going on. You’re never able to feel that groove of this is right. This is good. I mean, maybe you are sometimes. But with the nursing or whatever it is, all of it. This is the ultimate self-care that’s so good for your children, it’s crucial for your children to know that you have boundaries and that you feel clear and good about the choices that you make.

So looking at all those things that you’re kind of on the fence about, and really getting on one side or the other and making piece with it for yourself. Even if it disappoints everyone else in your house. Being more decisive and knowing that it’s not your job to please everyone. And with two children, you will rarely have two pleased children in the house. Somebody will be whining. Somebody will be crying.

I was also going to say, have you tried books on tape? Or, there’s all these great podcasts for children.

Parent:  Yes. He loves them. He loves stories. That’s what we’ve been thinking about is just shifting a little bit more of it to that. And he adores it. So yeah.

Janet Lansbury:  That’s wonderful because it’s so good for children. It’s so good for their brains. It helps them practice listening. It’s much more creative for them.

So there are going to obviously be those chunks of time, it sounds like, where you really do need them to be occupied. And I don’t know how that works for your 20-month-old. Maybe when she’s asleep?

Parent:  It’s when she’s asleep. Yeah.

Janet Lansbury:  But then there’ll be other times when they’re: Ugh, we’re not happy. Or, we’re in between ideas of what we want to do. Or, we’re just trying to see if my mother has conviction about her work today or whatever this call is that she’s on.

Sometimes, it can be… she comes in and you say, “Oh yeah, I’m talking to this person.” Obviously that’s not going to work with everyone.

Or, “this is what I’m working on, on the computer and you can look.” And I’m totally unintimidated by that.

And then she says, “Play with me,” or something. Or he says, “I need something to do.”

You’re still going to hold onto what you’re doing. And you’re not going to feel uh oh when they whine or complain about something. You’re going to welcome that and say, “Yeah, it is hard sometimes. I know it’s hard. And I’ve got to do this.”

And then after you’ve acknowledged, you’ll focus back on what you’re doing — I know, obviously not brilliantly when there’s children there. But you can practice showing them that you mean what you say. That when you’re not available, you’re going to go back to what you’re doing. No matter what they throw at you. You’re not getting pulled by every request they make.

But again, that takes a convicted parent that’s not ambivalent and not going around with guilt. You’re clear. And you feel like you’re doing a really, really good job.

And that’s why I brought up the thing about caregiving too. Because even if you just had that breakfast. Or maybe, for you, it’s not breakfast, but it’s lunch. Or there’s something that you own with your children as a time where you will not be distracted by anything for those few minutes. And that can be enough. That can be all you need to give them for that day, if it’s a busy day. In your mind and your heart, you can know that you fulfilled your duties as a mom. It really is enough to have a moment here and there on a busier day. There’ll be some days when you want to have a little longer, and weekends when you’re more available. But it’s really okay.

So the way that your rhythm will start to work is most of the day for them is going to be play. You’re going to have this period in the afternoon where I would try audio stuff first. Because it’s going to make you feel so much better about it, and so much better for him. But maybe you’re going to have a screen then. He’s four years old, it’s not the worst thing at all.

So you have that, but the rest of the time should be free play punctuated by these rhythms where you or their dad is fully attentive. You nursing her in the morning, breakfast with dad and your son. If one of you is in between meetings or whatever, somebody sits down with them for snack time, lunch, nap time. Does she have a nap after lunch? Or in the middle of the day probably at her age.

Parent:  Yeah. I basically am there with them usually between 11 and 1. I try to be there and do that whole — kind of what you’re talking about — and I find it really grounds the day for me.

It’s a lot though. I’m sort of trying to just do all my meetings around that. And I let people know that I’m available once she’s down for the nap and he’s occupied. So yeah. I freed myself up for that. And that’s my time with them.

Janet Lansbury:  You’re saying it’s two hours?

Parent:  Yeah. It’s about two hours. Yeah.

Janet Lansbury:  Okay. Well, that’s a whole lot if you’re giving them that. It’s okay if they want to whine at you the rest of the day, and they have nothing to do.

Parent:  They’re doing pretty well. I think it’s just about… It’s like… This feels impossible, honestly, Janet. It feels so crazy to be trying to do this. Yeah. And it looks like, for me at least, that I might not send my kids to school. He was going to go to pre-K and I probably won’t send him to school at all. And we’ll be trying to do this for about a year maybe even. So that’s a lot. That’s a lot. It feels scary. It feels impossible sometimes. But I do see that we’re getting a little better at it, I guess.

Janet Lansbury:  Yeah. I think you’re handling it really well. And you’re giving a lot of time it sounds like. If it seems too much, maybe you can do less. And again, getting them to bed early I feel should be a priority. I want to see you getting up and getting your exercise in first thing in the morning. That’s going to just make your whole day feel so much better. That’s a huge priority.

Parent:  I think putting the kids to bed early is really not just about that. It’s about my health and my husband’s health. It’s about our mental health and our physical health even. I think just creating that space would do a lot for the whole family. So we’ve got to do that.

Janet Lansbury:  Yes. Even if you two end up staying up all night, at least get them to bed and have that time for yourselves. Yeah. You absolutely need that.

Parent:  Yeah.

Janet Lansbury:  That’s self-care right there.

So I think it’ll help if you really reimagine self-care. And first of all, with your children, it’s not about the amount of time. It’s about having 100% time a couple of times a day. Again, it could all add up to an hour if that’s all that you have.

So having that, and then listening to yourself a little more about what you need. And feeling good about saying no to this, no to that. Taking on this role. You have this job — you and your husband being the leaders. You’re not trying out for it. You can do this. And you’ve got to do it with clarity. It’s going to help you and help them. Not doubting your choices or feeling like I need to do this, but I don’t really want to. Listen to that. Listen to that.

And make your boundaries for work. It’s okay to close the door on your kids if you know that they’re in a safe place. It’s really okay to be protective of your needs and yourself, and feel good about what you’re doing.

Parent:  Thanks.

Janet Lansbury:  You’re doing a great job. You’re doing heroic work. Every parent is right now, especially those that have to work full time still.

Parent:  Yeah.

Janet Lansbury:  It’s amazing what you’re doing.

Parent:  Thank you.

Janet Lansbury:  So don’t expect incredible things of yourself. Have a lot of self-compassion.

Parent:  Yeah.

Janet Lansbury:

And that will project down to your children as well anytime you do that. So do it for them, if not for you.

Parent:  Yeah. Thank you.

Janet Lansbury:  I hope some of that helps.

Parent:  Super helpful.

Janet Lansbury:  Oh, good. All right. Well thank you so much and you take care.

Parent:  Thanks Janet.

***

 Both of my books are available in paperback at Amazon, No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting.  You can get them in ebook at Amazon, Apple, Google Play, or barnesandnoble.com, and in audio, where they’re particularly popular, at Audible.com.

If you liked the format of these recorded consultations there are 6 more at sessionsaudio.com. There’s a description of each recording and you can download them individually or as a set for under $20. That’s sessionsaudio.com.

Thanks so much for listening. We can do this.

 

The post How Self-Care and Boundaries Work Together appeared first on Janet Lansbury.

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Read on and discover how three Hand in Hand families have used the tools these past few months in the mix of learning that’s happening in their own families.

Why We Worked through Emotional Baggage Before English and Math

Katy Linsley is a Hand in Hand Instructor, living with her two boys in Lancaster, England. As a child-led, play-based childminder and ex-Primary teacher, she initially felt confident in providing her sons with a daily mix of play and learning opportunities—until she realised the stressful events leading up to lockdown left her without any energy or creativity. “The best I could do some days was to pull out a box of toys they hadn’t played with for a while,” she says.

Read on to learn how she unpacked that emotional baggage to get to more playful learning and fun for the whole family: Why We Worked through Emotional Baggage Before English and Math

Flexible Schedules with a Focus on Energy Supports My Child’s Learning

Sonali Vongchusiri is a Hand in Hand Certification candidate and a homeschooling mama of three children (ages 9,6, and 3). She and her children live in Bangkok, Thailand, and Sonali uses an unschooling approach with her high needs older son, and a more traditional homeschool approach with her two younger children.

Here’s a glimpse into how their flexible schedule plays out and why no two days look the same: Flexible Schedules with a Focus on Energy Supports My Child’s Learning

Balancing Work and Play Took Practice

Elle Kwan is Hand in Hand’s content creator, host of the Hand in Hand Parenting Podcast, and a work-at-home mum to two kids who have been distance learning in Hong Kong since February when schools closed to quarantine.

She shares how the family have worked through initial resistance they all felt to learning at home, into days that combine online learning and working from home with Special Time and physical play: Balancing Work and Play Took Practice

Are Your Kids Learning Remotely? Or Feeling Anxious About Returning to School?

These posts are part of our Fall Fundraiser, Raising Kids Who Love to Learn. As a thank you for donations of $6 or more, you will receive the whole Raising Kids Who Love To Learn series.

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Schooling at home hasn’t always been easy.

Changing schedules, changing school policies, changing wifi connectivity and changing moods have all contributed to daily ups and downs in the Kwan family. That has given us all a good chance to work out where our values lie, and we’ve done many experiments trying to figure out what works best for us as a family.

In February, when all this started for us in Hong Kong, the mood was fairly flippant. At that point, we thought that any quarantine would be weeks rather than months long, and my kids’ schools advised letting pupils pick and choose what work they did.

So it came as a jolt in month two, March, when we began to see Covid’s impact spreading from Asia, across the globe, and the realisation sunk in that this home learning could be for the long haul. Since then, my kids have been in physical school for a total of 11 days.

Our schedule has changed a lot, and our feelings about home learning have changed a lot too. My older daughter’s secondary school put the whole timetable online, so she’s engaged for most of what would be her normal schoolday. At first, she hated being away from her friends. Now, she’s happy she has less travel time, and meets friends one-on-one if it’s permitted, or online if it’s not.

My son, who is 8, gets set a daily amount, mostly focused on maths, English and a focus topic, and check-ins.

At our busiest, my husband is fielding meetings online, I’m interviewing, and the kids have their two besties over (our edu-bubble) to do school. On bad Internet-days, we’re often all found devices in hand, scuttling from hotspot to hotspot, and I’m left wondering if “usual” will ever return.

Here’s How Our Schedule Shaped Up

On an average day, here’s how our days look right now.

6 am

After 13 years of sleeping in until I got up, my dog gave me nudge in a new direction when she began to wake me at dawn. As a committed night owl, I hated stumbling out of bed early at first, but after some railing about this with Listening Partners, I began to appreciate the quiet house and now use that hour to get creative writing tasks started. By 7 am, when the rest of the brood begin tumbling into the living room, it feels like I’ve already “done something for me,” that gives me more positive energy.

7-8 am

During this time the kids read and eat breakfast, scan some Tiktok or play Animal Crossing, while I scan some news, and get ready to start learning. This a totally more relaxed affair than the schooldays of old where we were all rushing not to miss buses. I’m a complete housework procrastinator unless I have a routine. So I use this hour to wash dishes, load one load of laundry, and sweep the floors—luckily our apartment in Hong Kong is small—and then I count the majority of the housework “done.”

8-9 am

Both kids begin learning online. We bubble with a neighbour and usually there is just under an hour while my son and his friend are online, so I try to get a block of work done. I have to be careful that the kids don’t just move from online lessons to just online randomness, so I tend to work pretty close by.

9-10 am

Play. Once we get our eyeballs away from the screen, it’s almost always beneficial to get my son involved in some play. This is most often Special Time, where he leads what happens. Lately, he’s been choosing hide ‘n’ seek, swordplay, Nerf gun assaults, and Lego battles, and is very physical. If he’s in a good place, we’ll tackle the first bit of (so-called) “independent learning.” Last term, there was always a fair amount of tussling even getting him interested. He said he “hated my teacher voice,’ and thought the work was “stupid.” (Some of the time, I agree, heh heh). One issue that came up for me is a pressing need to Get Things Done. I jump in with way too much enthusiasm, which he finds intimidating. I also battle feelings that he is not putting effort in where he should. Over the summer we worked on expectations we had around him getting his computer, knowing his schedule, and doing some of the work independently. I’d say it’s a work in progress, but we are inching towards some of these goals.

10-11 am

Snack time. Not the first time anyone has asked for a snack, mind you, but, actual designated snack time. My son (and his friend, if she’s here) often go off and lose themselves in some play for a bit, and then start an online class. My daughter pops by the kitchen, has a chat, and then departs to her room again. Again, I try and tackle some lighter work. Emails and quick bits of writing get done, but nothing that takes too much brainpower! If I’m feeling playful, I’ll challenge myself to see what I can get done in the 25 minutes or so that I have. (if I’m not, I choose the “focus” tab on Spotify and just try and buckle down).

11-12 pm

If there’s remaining schoolwork left at this time, it’ll go one of two ways: My son racing with a sense of victory to the finish line and whipping through the task, or him trying everything he has to avoid it: “I need water,” “I need music,” which leads to “I need headphones,” and then, “Did you know x,y or z? Look, I’ll show you.”

Since this is a pretty familiar pattern, we’ve been working on deciding which bits of work are hardest and doing those first, earlier, when there’s less tiredness, boredom and resistance. But it’s taken many, many months of tears and frustration to get to that. What it does mean though, is that I’m less urgent about a final task needing to be done, and less stressed if it doesn’t, which means it’s easier now to just listen about why he doesn’t want to do it.

12-2 pm

Since the kids are in school, they have stunted lunch breaks, which is a bit of a pain, to be honest. Mostly the small kids are done by 12.30, and play for an hour, while I prep. Sometimes they help, but not often. If there’s time we’ll play some cards or dominoes, or they’ll start chasing me about. The older kids are usually ravenous by 1.30 pm when they have a designated lunch break, while the littles race to finish lunch to get to their afternoon “check-out,” with teachers. It’s good to chat and laugh with the older ones about their day as the littles go off. My son can now articulate that he finds everyone at the table at one time quite difficult, and often he’ll move to the sofa and eat with a book.

2-4 pm

We’ve experimented quite a lot with the afternoon schedule, as their school day ends. I noticed a definite dip in energy, so start my afternoon chunk of work while they start their afternoon slump, which is usually a combo of TV slobbery, crafts, reading, a cup of tea and a biscuit, drawing and looking things up. I try to leave them to their own leanings.

4-6 pm

By 4 pm, energy levels are usually picking up again, and the kids get creative. This is where my daughter will start to bake, make DIY beauty treatments, or decorate her room, and my son starts big comic projects, a fort appears, or I’ll see him creeping around on some ninja mission. Sometimes they’ll draw or play around me, but It’s also my cue to start wrapping up work.

My kids are introverts, and not big into playing outside at the best of times, let alone in Hong Kong’s humid summer with a (required) face mask, and so they could probably go for weeks without leaving the apartment without some encouragement. There’s we have an expectation that if they haven’t been out the day before they will come and walk the dog with me. Sometimes they walk, sometimes they scoot or skate, sometimes it’s like I’m a pirate forcing them to walk the gangplank, but by the time we return things are usually much lighter!

6-8 pm

We all gather, grab a dinner plate, and watch a few TV shows together. It’s taken me a lot of years getting comfortable with this—the very opposite of the strict sit at the table rule I grew up with—but when my doubts set in, I remember how carefree this feels in comparison. And yes, a bit of me likes indulging that inner rebel.

8-10 pm

We shower and do a chapter or two in bed together before lights out. I’ll read, maybe watch a show, and try, try, try to get myself to bed by 11 pm and often fail. (I guess my kids aren’t the only ones working towards new habits and goals!)

What have I learned?

It’s not just my kids who are learning. Here’s what I’ve picked up during our distance-learning journey.

I started off so casual around school and then when it seemed to get serious I started vying for an imaginary “home teacher of the year award” only to watch all my prep and efforts go to waste, while I headed in tears for the photocopier (again). Now, I’ve learned a thing or two that works for us:

• I am rather unorganised, and so this term I have an online calendar announcing all online classes, check-ins and appointments with teachers. My son much prefers this polite A.I voice casually informing him about classes, so it’s a win-win. I do not know why I went 5 months without, but there we are!
• I now factor in brain breaks. To begin with, I was committed to the kids’ getting tasks completed. The trouble is they were not. That meant sessions were endless. Now, we have a set amount of time to do the task (or not) and then we have a break. Guess what? Everyone is happier with the “have a go” ethic, and more is getting done.
• Special Time or rough and tumble play after the first chunk of online learning helps the rest go easier. And it’s more fun too! I schedule it in like any lesson, except if my son comes off the call fired up and racing to do things.
• When they are online, I focus on my stuff. I used to hover and then a lightning bolt of “what are you doing?” hit me. Now I leave it to the teacher and use that time to work (or sometimes dress, haha).

There’s been a lot of trial and experimentation. I have leaned into listening to my kids and myself more. And, ultimately, I’ve enjoyed having everyone closer together, despite the challenges. There’s talk of us coming out of lockdown and schools opening in October, but if we close again anytime, I feel like what we have built together works for us all. At least for now.

How To Get Prepared for Virtual, Hybrid, and In-Class Learning

As a thank you for donations to our fall fundraiser, you’ll receive our new video and resource series, Raising Kids Who Love to Learn. With instructor videos, guides to children’s emotions, 100 ideas for getting playful, and lots of inspiration and printables, there’s plenty to fire up your child’s love of learning and help you all overcome education challenges this year and beyond.

The series is free with all donations of $6 or more. Go here to learn more and give. 

Elle Kwan heads up Hand in Hand Parenting’s content and is the host of the Hand in Hand Podcast.

 

 

 

Read the other posts in this series:

Why We Worked through Emotional Baggage Before English and Math

Flexible Schedules with a Focus on Energy Supports My Child’s Learning

 

 

 

Home-schooling during lockdown felt like I had many hats on. As an ex-primary school teacher and a play-based, child-led childminder I felt strongly that my two boys, 9 and 7 years old, would educationally thrive without completing every single piece of academic school work given to us by the children’s school.

Our school provided suggested activities for the children to complete but didn’t put pressure on us to complete any or all of it.

I was confident I could provide opportunities to learn as they played and by following their interests, and weave in learning both knowledge and transferable skills.

Except, initially, after the stress and anxiety leading up to lockdown, I had no energy or creativity to provide stimulating activities.  I found the thought of it exhausting unless the children drove it completely and I felt overwhelmed by the thought of being forced to have the children all day, every day.

The best I could do some days was pull out a box of toys they hadn’t played with for a while.

With my Hand in Hand instructor hat on, I knew my bigger focus was on the emotional baggage that we had all packed away during the month leading up to the lockdown.

Both boys had shown us that they were aware and struggling with the uncertainty and fear that seemed to be flying around Lancaster, the city we live in.  It seemed to be all everyone was talking about. From friends and friends parents to teachers and grandparents, all were serious and concerned. The boys picked up on that energy and information and asked questions around it, but their off-track behaviour showed us that they needed extra help at the beginning of lockdown.

“I wanted our day to allow for the emotional work to be done.”

I wanted to process that baggage, and to be safe and considerate of others’ safety, whilst manoeuvring through the pandemic and dealing with the lack of normal connections, the anxieties and fears, and the resentments and frustrations lockdown created. 

I wanted our day to allow for the emotional work to be done, which I knew would then leave our brains free to engage more naturally with learning.

So, for the first few weeks, we did 20-30 minutes of Special Time first thing in the morning and lots of Playlistening games all together. Using these two tools allowed plenty of opportunity for Staylistening when feelings came up.

At that time, I didn’t try to achieve anything other than keeping the family fed and vaguely clean!

I knew that getting plenty of Listening Time for me was also going to be crucial because my own anxieties had been evident. Caring for other families’ young children can be a big responsibility, and one I feel under normal circumstances. In such uncertain times, it began to affect my health, unfortunately giving me the very symptoms of COVID, with a tightness in my chest and shortness of breath. During my Listening Time, I worked on my anxieties around responsibilities, about my fear for my family’s health, and around my resentments for being put in a position I’d never wanted and never planned for. I was working through feelings around my helplessness and powerlessness.

Over the first few weeks of lockdown, we tried many different routines, focuses, and structures. Some worked well, some left us at loggerheads, and some worked one day but could not be replicated again. Some days the resistance from the children felt neverending, only for the following day to result in co-operation and productivity!

What I did notice after a couple of weeks was that we were mucking along in a much lighter, more collaborative way. I think the Special Times, Staylistening, and Playlistening along with gentle Setting Limits had enabled us all to offload some of that baggage we came to lockdown with.

For more on setting limits read: 4 Types of Limits That Children Need

Our Schedule Looked Something Like This

After those initial weeks, our lockdown days grew to look something like this;

7-9 am

We’d start the day with some connection time. Some cuddles, silliness and laughter (and sometimes tears) in the big parents’ bed. We experimented with plenty to get a few giggles going; making a tent by sticking dad’s leg in the air under the covers; by squishing and squashing each other as we all changed places in the bed to have a cuddle with another member of the family; playing “he’s mine!” where both parents playfully have a tug of war over a child. (My boys giggle uncontrollably at this game.) 

As a family, we tend to get breakfast, dress and wash at our own pace, with the expectation that we will all be ready by a certain time, and as the usual time constraints disappeared, I was able to use this time to set limits around how much the children helped out with household chores; tidying breakfast things away; unloading and loading the dishwasher; putting a load of clothes washing on; straightening their bedrooms; putting food shopping away etc. 

There was often a mix of playfully Setting Limits and Staylistening as feelings came up around those expectations of joining in with family responsibilities and getting dressed and ready for the day.  We always try to do those chores together with an adult, in a playful and as light atmosphere as possible. 

9-10 am

Outdoor exercise. We tried to mix it up, but we found that once we got out of the house and had some physical exercise and fresh air, we all felt more able to be light and connected.

I tried to be as child-led as possible, without expectations for what we might “achieve,” and I aimed to load the children up with connection, giving them the same delighted attention I give in Special Time, and letting them lead, or saying “Yes” to what they wanted, wherever possible. (With both boys, this wasn’t Special Time exactly, but close). Scrambling up nearby woodland slopes was one of the boys’ favourites, as was playing hide and seek in the woods, and football training and circuit training on the local green spaces, where we all enjoyed making up games and exercises. We also scooted and biked to unexplored neighbourhoods nearby. 

10-12 pm

After being outdoors the boys were keener to sit down and do some maths or English that had been set for them by their teachers. We usually took a drink and snack break between maths and English. I’d use the break times to do more connection, give cuddles, and do some quick Playlistening games to get some giggling going. Although the boys needed me around during school time, it was more for moral support and encouragement, which allowed me to have a cup of coffee, un-load dishwashers, washing machines, and prepare lunch at the same time.

12-1 pm

We’d sit down for lunch with their dad and enjoy catching up with what we’d been doing in the morning. I usually needed some adult time by now, so the boys’ Dad and I would take a hot drink into our bedroom and give free time to the boys.

1-3 pm

Our afternoons were much more flexible. We would have some Special Time and do other activities together.  If school sent inspiring activities we might try them together, or otherwise we’d think up our own activities, cook or bake together, or try out a new hobby or project. How on-track we were all feeling would determine the order and structure of our afternoon. Sometimes we’d do doing Special Time first, and on other days we’d wait until later.

3.30-4.30 pm

If one of the children had a Zoom calls with friends, where they could chat, play games, and laugh together, I had time with the other child one-on-one. I used this time for Special Time or sometimes to do individual music or language practice.

4.30-5.30 pm

The children chose what they did for the hour before dinner, including screen time.  This gave me a much-needed hour to be by myself, either to quietly get dinner ready, finish chores, or just have a quiet brew and chat with a friend.

5.30-7.30 pm

We would all have dinner together and then begin bedtime which usually started off with some Playlistening games and silliness, before showers, and storytime. As with in the morning, this gave an opportunity for playful or gentle Setting Limits and Staylistening to help clear anything that had come up during the day and helped the children feel connected enough to fall asleep peacefully. I also scheduled my Listening Time on Monday and Wednesday evenings.

My boys are set to go back to school full-time sometime in September, and I will be childminding as usual three days a week during the school term. The boys have loved being at home, and I anticipate some rough patches as they move back into school life.

We’ll up the amount of Special Time before school restarts, and I’ll focus on Playlistening at school pick-up as well as some family play before bed. I’ll use my Listening Time to work on the probable anger that will explode from my youngest as he struggles with his anxieties around new teachers, new situations and his resentment around needing to sit at tables rather than climbing trees!

If we have to go back into lockdown again, I’ll try to remember what’s important to us, slowing down so that I can hold on to connection as the important thing, and clean clothes as less so!

Katy Linsley is a Certified Hand in Hand Instructor, from Lancaster, UK. You can follow her at www.heartsandmindparenting.com, and sign up for her talks and classes.

Inspire Your Child’s Curiosity and Love of Learning

Katy donated this post for our fall fundraiser, Raising Kids Who Love To Learn. Please consider a gift to help Hand in Hand Parenting keep support free and available to parents through 2021.

All donations of $6 or more receive 5 x videos and a full resource pack to help you and your children love learning. Get help with resistance, overwhelm, and grumpiness, and find out how to set good limits around learning, inspire creativity, and have more fun however your family’s learning looks this year.

Go here to see what’s included and donate. With gratitude.

Read the other posts in this series:

Flexible Schedules with a Focus on Energy Supports My Child’s Learning

Balancing Work and Play Took Practice

 

My homeschooling journey actually began six years ago.

While I loved the beautiful books and curriculum and carefully planned days of traditional homeschooling, my sensitive, strong-willed, unique needs son did not and when his dysregulation, aggression and anxiety were at it’s highest, I dropped everything, including home learning, so that I could focus on restoring connection, emotional regulation, and executive functioning. 

What I did during that time was to keep our home filled with books that I carefully selected to supplement his education indirectly. I now practice unschooling with him, and “eclectic homeschooling,” (unschooling with some traditional homeschooling), with my younger two children.   

Lessons I Learned About Homeschool

Did your heart THUD when you heard about more remote learning for another year for your child? Does your heart sink or tense up now just thinking about it? Or are your kids going back to school and you’re feeling a restricted wave of relief?  Restricted because you are keenly aware that you might be distance learning at any point during the school year.

I feel you, moms and dads.

And I want you to know you are doing good work. Seriously, you’re making magic each and every day you’re navigating schooling at home, work, meals, clean up, and whatnot.  No joke. Actual. Magic.

I started homeschooling my children before COVID times. 

My mission with my children’s learning experience is to foster internal curiosity and wonder and instil in them that learning and growth are part of a joyful lifelong experience. I focus on ensuring they learn the basics and trust that any gaps in their learning will get filled in as they come up. 

Here’s How Our Schedule Looks (Sometimes!)

No one day ever really looks the same, no day feels “typical,” but there are some definite rises and peaks in energy and go-to tools that I use.

Dawn Onwards:

Our mornings start off relaxed. After everyone has gotten ready and had breakfast, I notice that they—and I—all benefit from downtime.

They play. I work, focus on my self-development, clean or join them in play. If I am cleaning or cooking, I create gentle playful invitations for them to join. This looks like a game of “Whose shirt is this?” as we hang laundry, or talking to the dishes as we wash. I find that my younger children find it supportive if we try and tap into their senses doing this (for example, as they put each dish on the drying rack, we say “clink” together). 

When I want a moment to myself, I can directly share this with my kids and take a moment for me to reset.

Midday Onwards:

After lunch, our family naturally rests. This is a time where I may do some direct learning for my younger children. This can be guiding my 6-year-old with reading, writing or math.  My 3-year-old NEEDS to be doing school, too, so I keep simple things for her nearby. This looks like drawing a squiggly line on a piece of paper and she puts dot stickers on it, pouring and dumping or some other simple, Montessori-style activity.

Afternoons are where we go outside, get social and get sweaty.  We may go swimming, play tag, ride bikes or an excursion out to the park, store or elsewhere.

Evening Onwards:

My eldest thrives in the evenings after the younger two have gone to bed. His interest peaks in the evenings when it’s quiet and still and he has my full attention.  When we do direct learning (through his request), it is supportive to keep the experience short. So we do four math problems versus an entire page. 

And we have flexibility. Not EVERY day looks like this.  Not EVERY day has direct learning.  What’s supportive is to stretch my kids. We do our best when we stay out of overwhelm by noticing when it’s time to pull back, and doing so. 

And on the days where we are not directly learning, my kids are still absorbing.  We may be baking together and they indirectly become aware of measurements, fractions and time.  What I’ve experienced with my kids is that ONE emotionally-engaged experience grounds concepts in much deeper than ten direct but emotionally bland experiences.

Following My Child’s Cues For Learning

What do I mean? 

My kids are all curious about business and money as they watch me grow in my business.  They actually see me love what I do. My eldest sees me writing on the computer when I work. He’s always loved drawing and handwriting stories. A few years ago, he was inspired to write a story and asked if he could use the computer. I said, “Yes…and…did you know there is a special way to position your fingers so that you can type quickly?” 

I waited for his “yes” and curious eyes.

“Will you show me, mama?” he asked.

Oh yes!  

In ten minutes, I showed him the basics of typing and he took off from there and wrote an entire story. 

How to Beat the Resistance

What my experience these past years has taught me is that what kid’s resist with schooling is when we become completion-focused. I mean when completing the “work” becomes more important to us than our connection. In those times, what they resist is the “have to” or “just get it done” energy.  You know…when there is a worksheet you want them to do and you know that if they actually sat down and focused on it, it’d take five minutes but instead you spend two hours on it.

How have I overcome this?

I focus back on that energy.

I mix connection in. 

So, right now, my eldest wants to learn multiplication tables and asked me to make worksheets for him. On the worksheet, I put a spot for his name at the top and underneath I put a second question. I put fun questions like, What’s your favorite movie?  Would you rather swim in a pool of ice or tomato sauce?  What do you think tastes worse – broccoli ice cream or fish popsicles?

When I ask for these small things below his name, I shift my energy from “just do the worksheet” to “I want to get to know something about you I didn’t know before.”

It’s building connection and trust right into the learning experience.

When my middle son was first learning to read and not very interested, he’d sound out words like this:  “hhhhhhh….aaaaaaa….tttttt….hhaaaaatt…CAR!”

I Playlistened with him by taking a turn for me to read and I’d say “cccc….aaaaa….ttttt…..ccaaaaatt……BANANA PANCAKES!” 

He’d laugh and laugh and say “No, mama…it says CAT”. 

He also LOVES food and became internally motivated to read when I put up a meal plan on the refrigerator because he wanted to know what we were going to eat that day.

We’ve now reached a point where continuing to learn to read is a value I want to uphold for my 6-year-old, so I hold a loving limit that we practice for at least five minutes a day. He gets to choose what activity we do and where we sit in the home, and I bring my enthusiasm and delight for this time. Often, I’ll build connection by telling him,  “BUT, you can’t read until you find the book I hid,” or getting some whole-body action in by taping cards up high that he gets to jump to pull down and read.

Listen to Yourself

What I’d love to leave you with is to listen to yourself. Homeschooling someone else’s way is not easy. Find what resonates with you and your family, the rhythms that support you and leave what doesn’t. 

Oh, and cut yourself a lot of slack on the days when you just don’t have it in you. Snuggling up and reading a book together counts as school. So does supporting your kids in navigating sibling squabbles—think debate class, negotiation skills, and empathy skills.

Now, that’s a full curriculum.

Fire Up Your Child’s Passon For Learning

Sonali is a Hand in Hand Certification candidate and the founder of Raising Your Strong-Willed Child online summit. She supports parents of highly sensitive, strong-willed kids in her Facebook community and on www.raisingyourstrongwilledchild.com

Sonali donated this post for our Raising Kids Who Love to Learn Fall Fundraiser, now on. Please consider a gift to fund the good work Hand in Hand Parenting does supporting parents and children through hard times.

As a thank you for donations of $6 or more, you’ll receive the whole Raising Kids Who Love to Learn resource series, with 5 x videos from Hand in Hand Instructors, plus printables, 100 Ways to Play guide and our ebook Understanding Children’s Emotions.

See the whole series here, and click to give and get your series now. Read the other posts in this series:

Why We Worked through Emotional Baggage Before English and Math

Balancing Work and Play Took Practice